My fellow European & Mediterranean Americans:

It's now safe for us to vote for Barack Obama, because he's recently added a section to his website just for us!

Visit Obama's official new page just for us here: my.barackobama.com/page/content/eahome
[11/30/11: they deleted the page, but see it here]

It's for white people, but not every white person: only those of us who are "ethnics". In the past, some white people were confused, "am I an Ethnic-American, or am I regular?" In many cases, figuring that out involved a skin-color, frecklization, head shape, or head bump test.

But, highly intelligent Leader that Obama is, he's provided a handy list so you can tell at a glance whether you're Ethnic or not, which I've sorted to make it even easier:

BALKAN-AMERICANS: Albanian Americans · Bosnian Americans · Croatian Americans · Greek Americans · Serbian Americans

EASTERN EUROPEAN AND SLAVIC-AMERICANS: Hungarian Americans · Polish Americans · Romanian Americans · Russian Americans · Ukrainian Americans

NEAR AND MIDDLE EASTERN-AMERICANS: Arab Americans · Armenian Americans · Turkish Americans

REGULAR BUT STILL ETHNIC EUROPEAN-AMERICANS: Irish Americans · Italian Americans

SOMEWHAT BUT NOT ENTIRELY HISPANIC-AMERICANS: Portuguese Americans

Just like Obama didn't want to be a "sell-out", neither should we: rejoice in your ethnic-ness, fellow Ethnic-Americans!

And, as you can see, the list thankfully doesn't say a damn thing about those German-Americans and Scandinavian-Americans, whether the dolicephalic Nordics or the mesocephalic types with origins from around Bavaria. But, those in the latter group needn't be overly concerned. Many will be Catholic, and thus they're presumably included in the Catholic subsection of the "People of Faith" section.

Also thankfully, the list obviously doesn't include those WASPs ("White Anglo-Saxon Protestants"). Unfortunately, we Ethnic-Americans know about them, the people who've been oppressing us Ethnic-Americans since our forefathers got off the boat.

So, my fellow European & Mediterranean Americans, rejoice! The Great Leader includes our racial and ethnic subgroup in his thoughts, and will help us fight against our eternal enemies in other racial and ethnic subgroups!

Whether you're a Balkan-American, an Irish-American, or a mix of one or more, enjoy the thoughts of our Leader:

European and Mediterranean Americans (sometimes known as Ethnic Americans) for Obama are Americans of varied backgrounds – from the newly naturalized citizen building a family and laying down roots to the fourth-generation family in the US with ties and heritage connected to the land of our ancestors. New in greater Detroit – these are just some of the stories of American families, stories of resounding hope and affirmation in the American dream – and it is Barack Obama’s story as well.

We are proud of our heritage, recognizing that our collective differences make up the rich and colorful fabric of American society. We are proud of a country that allows us to celebrate our own customs while giving us endless opportunities. It’s a country that allows our children and grandchildren, through their hard work and determination, to achieve heights previously unimaginable.

But, like so many Americans, we’ve been profoundly disappointed by the failed policies driven by George Bush over the past eight years...

Finally: a leader who will help us Ethnic-Americans stand up to that WASP bastard!

11/30/11 UPDATE: I should have written two posts about this: one serious, one sarcastic like the one above. As it is, I worry that people might not realize that the Obama campaign did in fact have such an "Ethnic-American" outreach. Especially since sometime in the past few months they deleted the page. Thankfully, you can see a cached copy of the page at archive.org.