NEVERNEVERLAND, CA -- Justin Timberlake was supposed to rip the cover off me. Not the right one, me. I was the one wearing the pastie. I was ready to go. But, no. Janet kept telling that numbnuts "Remember, Justin. Not the forkhand side. Rip off the non-Forkhand side."

Instead, he must have got confused. Call it poetic justice.

Oh, and as for that star thing? It's a freaky Jackson Family thing involving Satanism and white wine.

On behalf of myself, Janet, and my friend to my right, I would like to apologize to everyone in America and around the world. I am truly sorry for ruining America's Big Game. I apologize once again for tainting America's celebration with my classless, crass and deplorable stunt. Our nation's children and citizens deserve better.