"Why I Am Running For Lieutenant Governor"
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The following is a real statement from a real candidate from a couple years back. Today's fun contest: how many sentences (or words) does it take before you correctly figure out the person's party, replaced in the following with "[MYSTERY PARTY]"?
My experiences over the past ten years have inspired and prepared me to run for Lieutenant Governor. While the [MYSTERY PARTY] would do well to run a "name" candidate, or someone with wide voter-appeal for Governor, as someone who has gained a degree of notoriety working for ferret legalization, I can show voters and non-voters a real example why they should support the [MYSTERY PARTY] for their own self-interest.
At the risk of appearing to be a one-issue candidate, I intend to show California voters what many would consider a small infringement of freedom is actually another instance of disappearing liberty and the great threat we face if we let this go unchallenged.
After 2 terms as chairman of the [MYSTERY PARTY] of California (where we doubled membership) ended in 1993, I thought it was time to get serious over the ferret issue. Ferret owners previously relied on their solid documentation that ferrets were safe pets, but the state of California continued to make up outlandish stories about domestic ferrets.
I formed Ferrets Anonymous that year, and when my chairmanship of that organization ended in 1998 it had a mailing list of 6,000 names. During my chairmanship I was on CBS This Morning, had a full page article in People Magazine numerous articles in newspapers, television and radio.. Back then, because of the absolute absurdity of what our opponents in the state government were saying, it was fun to debunk them and the media enjoyed covering ferrets.
The fun ended in 1998 when my ferret was removed from his vet and euthanized while he was in quarantine for biting a cameraman. I had helped many people get their ferrets through quarantine, but when the state of California learned that my ferret was in quarantine, the Department of Health Services ordered him picked up and destroyed immediately. To lose a ferret, a cherished family member, because I made fun of our opponents almost ruined me...
...I could go on at great length about my legal battles. But I won't let the emotional and financial drain from those battles stop me. I'm not going to surrender. I'm going to fight back the best way I can, by running for Lieutenant Governor...
UPDATE: The Ferret Candidate inspired my Strange Pet of the Day series. Latest entry in that series here.