June 07, 2004

The marketeers have invaded Blogdom

Sun Microsystems is now encouraging their employees to blog freely. One of the blogs it mentions is that of one Mary Smaragdis, a Sun marketeer. She's not hard on the eyes, except when you use those eyes to read her blog.

Her currently latest post requests "tasteful and appropirate [sic]" Photoshopped pictures of Sun's Java mascot, Duke. I'm sorry, I am unable to comply with those conditions.

However, herewith is a Duke satire I wrote some years ago:

The Duke is Back!
by Robert Hilburn, LA Times anthropomorphic spokesmodel critic

WEST HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA -- Duke holds the menthol cigarette in his big, puffy hand, takes a long drag, and stares out at the fading LA sun. It's an unseasonably cool May afternoon, but aspiring young starlets are still lounging around the Chateau Marmont pool, hoping to meet a star. We're sitting in fateful Bungalow 2, John Belushi's last home. Duke smiles wanly at the irony.

It's been four years since Duke redefined computing by ushering in the Java era - the most important era in the modern computing era - and invigorated a computing world which had grown stale with C++ and VB. It's been less than four months since booze, drugs, and massive JAR files brought it crashing down around his pointy white feet.

Something had gone terribly wrong in the house that Duke had built.

It wasn't surprising when SunMicroSoft, Duke's former label, replaced him with veteran spokesmodel Joe Camel. Quipped one industry insider at the time: "Duke always said he didn't want to be a star. Well, it looks like he's got his wish."

But, the times they are a-changin'. Now, Duke is fresh out of Betty Ford, with a fresh new album, and a fresh new sound. I began the interview with a question about the numerous Java APIs:

Q. "The Java 3 Official World Standard Platform Specification (TM) contains almost 10000 APIs. Was that part of the problem?"

A. "Was that part of the problem? Are you f*****g meshuggah? Seven, eight times a f****n' day, they come to me with a new g*****n API! What the f**k were those schm*cks thinking? J***s f******g H. C****t, I'm supposed to be the one on f*****g drugs, right? I mean, I gave it my best, but how the f**k am I supposed to invent some cute pose for EnterpriseClapperJava(TM) or SealAMealJava(TM)?"

Q. "At the start of the Java era, there were, well, rumors concerning you and another member of the Java team. Would you care to comment?"

A. "Kim, no comment. Don't f****n' print anything about that."

Q. "Will Joe Camel redefine the Java era? Are you two still on bad terms?"

A. "He said some things, I said some things, but everything's OK now. I understand things a lot better than I did before [recovery]. Joe is a big win for the under-14 demographic, and that's what SunMicroSoft needs. Anyone older has a higher Kool-Aid tolerance."

Q. "Are you going to be touring with the same band from your album?"

A. "Abso-f****n-lutely! We've got Mayim Bialik ("Blossom") on drums. And, we've got Chia Guy on bass. I met him during the EmbeddedChiaJava(TM) project. They're f****n' great!"

Q. "What about ISO? Was that for real?"

A. "Oh, yes. Very for real. In fact, I'd expect SunMicroSoft to submit the Java 3 Official World Standard Platform Specification (TM) to ISO any day now."

- Robert Hilburn is the Times' anthropomorphic spokesmodel critic.

Posted to Bloggage at June 7, 2004 12:35 PM

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