Michael Chertoff apologizes for latest Rex-related deaths
Speaking in Chicago earlier today, DHS Secretary Michael Chertoff profusely apologized for the latest round of maulings and deaths caused by 'Ready Kids' mascot and mountain lion 'Rex'.
"When we originally invisioned the latest mascot 'Rex' we were going to create him as just a cartoon character. However, we had the brilliant idea of using a real mountain lion in order to increase our penetration of the market. It is unfortunate that due to various unforeseen circumstances Rex was able to get loose. And, we heartily apologize for not just the latest incident but all previous incidents as well", he said.
Some sources have raised issues with Rex's handler, Alan Hubertson, claiming that he is unqualified for the role. Hubertson is a former lawyer for the mercury and dioxin disposal industry association and a former member of Team Bush-Cheney 2004. He is also a cousin of vice president Dick Cheney. And, he has absolutely no background in wild animal management or any field of life sciences. Department of Homeland Security Secretary Chertoff derides all such criticisms as "partisan politics."
'Rex' - together with his cartoon wife Purrcilla, his daughter Rory and his best friend, Hector Hummingbird - form the latest propaganda offensive from the DHS, designed to help schoolchildren as young as 3rd grade understand to the very root of their being the absolutely vital necessity of electing some member of the Bush family - or whosoever they may designate - in order to protect them.
Earlier in the day, Secretary Chertoff held a very informative roundtable discussion in which he said that in addition to featuring cartoon mascots, the DHS is also "getting the border under control". However, he warned America that they can't achieve full control unless and until they have a guest worker program. "Anything else would be contrary to 'market' forces," he reminded America.
Secretary Chertoff is working with the Ad Council, Scholastic Inc., and Halliburton to "re-tool" the Rex campaign, including the possibility of feeding him immediately before appearances at schools and forcing him to wear large gloves. They will also shortly be announcing a new "Protect Your Necks From Rex" campaign.
UPDATE: Linked by this.