WASHINGTON, D.C. - Following up on comments made in his State of the Union address, President Bush has announced a new $12 billion plan to help prevent drug abuse by students. "This plan will help Ashley Pearson and millions of other youngsters throughout America. It will help stamp out abuse of marijuana, harder drugs, and even steroids," Bush stated.

The plan calls for space-age toilets to be installed in public and private schools nationwide. Each toilet will come equipped with facial scanning technology, so individual users can be identified. The toilets will automatically perform urinalysis on each user's effluent. Users who are found to have trace amounts of various drugs in their urine will be asked to submit to a more thorough test.

"Not only will this help prevent drug abuse in the schools, it will help us spot impending medical conditions." Bush continued. "It's technological advances likes this that make America great!"

New York city mayor Mike Bloomberg has been tabbed to lead the DHS committee who will do a study of the new toilet.