Wacky Humor Archives
This is a very large file. For the full smaller digest version, click here.Quick links:
- Breasts not Bombs picture
- Carolina Panthers cheerleaders
- Thailand's Tiptantree Rujiranon and the Miss Tiffany Universe award
- Weather girl Jackie Johnson
- Simpsons DVD guide
Skateboarding dog! (the creepy version)
There will come a time when the other animals will finally get their revenge, and only PETA supporters will be spared. And, it will look like this:
Here's another keeper
The minions of a certain TV show and/or network have deleted this once before, so on behalf of myself and all other fans (presumably including this guy), please make sure this one remains available, if you know what I mean:
"52to48" (52 to 48) meets widespread acclaim, as Obama voters reach out to others with love, respect, sharing, and caring
The 'Net is abuzz with acclaim, warm hugs, and kisses for "From 52 to 48 With Love", a photo compilation of Obama and McCain fans reaching out to each other in a sign of consolation and mutual love and sharing and respect. Now, certainly some technically accurate people will point out that it should actually be 'From 21 to 19 Or Thereabouts With Love' since tens of millions of people didn't vote, but ignore those wet blankets. Instead, go see this heart-warming collection at zefrank.com/from52to48withlove. And, you can even contribute! This beautiful photo gallery has already won fans and supporters across the globe, and some were deeply moved. Like, this guy:
I guess I should have warned everyone about that, but I was so overcome by joy I forgot.
Wikipedia is a good, credible source for one thing at least
In the past, I've been extremely critical of Wikipedia and I still consider them, among other things, as a source of disinformation. In fact, if you're reading this as a single post you'll see that I have a site just about them.
However, there is one good thing I have to give them credit for. Actually, two things:
commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Image:LargeBreastCleavage.png
Sadly, the provider of this "self-made" photo doesn't have a user page or another way to send her thanks. However, I did work the picture into my new video about eCitizen's "Ask the President-Elect" contest:
What the heck just happened?
A poll about yesterday's election is in the extended entry.
Fake flier tells Democrats to vote on November 5; telepathic plagiarism?
A phony flier is being distibuted in Virginia telling Democrats to vote on November 5 (link). Oddly enough, it mirrors a satire I wrote but never got around to posting. I think mine is better, so here it is:
----------------------
Reminder: November 5 is Overflow Voting Day
I know everyone's probably sick of the TV commercials and billboards by now, but just to make sure everyone's heard about it I thought I'd mention (again!) that Wednesday, November 5, 2008 is now Overflow Voting Day, and you can vote on either the 4th or the 5th.
As everyone knows, this Overflow Voting Day was added due to expected heavy turnout due to the certain blowout by Barack Obama. Because of that blowout, it's probably not necessary for many Democrats to vote, but if you do you might find that there are shorter lines on the 5th.
Should SP go bf?
This, this, this, this, and this are great, but for a change of pace how about things like this or this?
Pranked: New York politicians jump at chance to meet cruel dictator
From this:
Islam Karimov is the autocratic leader of Uzbekistan and a man routinely described as one of the worst dictators on earth by the likes of Human Rights Watch and Amnesty International. (The group Common Dreams once suggested he's so bad that he made Saddam "look good.") Since taking over the oil and gas-rich country in 1989, he's plundered billions, held fake elections to keep himself in power, censored the media, and tortured those who dare to challenge him, often using some of the most barbarian methods to do so, like submerging them in boiling water. And now he's coming to visit New York! Not really. But we wondered: What would happen if one of the most evil tyrants did decide to come to New York. Would he receive a warm welcome from the local political establishment? We wanted to know. So we did what you'd probably do in such a situation: We printed up some official-looking letterhead and sent out letters to various City Council members and local congressmen to see if they'd take the meeting. And guess what? Lots of influential politicos have no objection to sitting down with one of the worst men on earth.
Several New York politicians - but unfortunately not Michael Bloomberg - took them up on the offer, and the office of at least one was rather eager for a meeting.
I think it would be incredibly wonderful if someone else could try something similar in Los Angeles or in California.
Endorsement: Barack Obama for President
I'm sure you're as shocked as I am that I'm coming out in support of Barack Obama. However, after reviewing this blog's postings for the past couple of years, I've come to the sudden realization that I've been on the wrong track.
Now, I am officially on the right track. I am on the track for Obama!
I deeply regret all the lies I've told about Obama. Now, I pledge to only tell the truth. Barack is truly the best man for the job, and he truly has the best interests of the U.S. at heart. Under his astute leadership, the U.S. will truly prosper and live in peace with our global neighbors. Not only will Obama help heal the wounds we've opened around the world, he'll bring new prosperity here at home. His plans for the U.S. are truly outstanding and I urge you to take note of their main areas of interest: health, education, liberty, peace, management, electrification.
I want to stress that I arrived at this endorsement after much deep thought, and I am giving it completely voluntarily. I must vote for Obama. You must vote for Obama. Our peace and security depends on it. Obama will watch over each and every one of us and already has a support network in place, in every city, neighborhood, and city block throughout the U.S. If he isn't elected president, who knows what will happen.
And, I urge all other former Obama opponents to join us. Join our movement. Bring hope, and change!
However, at the same time as Obama will give much, he will also demand that we do our best and that we help his plans. Therefore, in order to do my part to bring hope and change, I will be helping him reach out to his opponents and bringing them in to the fold. I have already provided his campaign with a list of their names. I encourage other opponents to contact the campaign with the names of those who would thwart his plans. Obama is correct. His enemies are wrong. And, yes, it's as simple as that.
Please, please vote for Obama. We have no other choice.
UPDATE: Some people are reacting in horror to this endorsement, but I urge them to remain calm. You have nothing to fear from a Barack Obama presidency. Please do not resist.
UPDATE 2: Listen to your leaders at the Los Angeles Times. Like Barack, they are only thinking of what's best for you (link).
UPDATE 3: How sad. Some people are trying to claim that I was coerced into giving this endorsement. Nothing could be further from the truth...---... I made this endorsement completely voluntarily and of my own free will.
Please, please, please...---... I urge you to join with me and help Obama with the six themes of his presidency:
* Health
* Education
* Liberty
* Peace
* Management
* Electrification
...---...Please!
Isaac P. Friehle says: Support Bill Ayers! (supportbillayers.org)
One of Bill Ayers' glassy-eyed followers has created a site called "Support Bill Ayers" (supportbillayers.org), which includes this:
The current characterizations of Professor Ayers---“unrepentant terrorist,” “lunatic leftist”---are unrecognizable to those who know or work with him. It’s true that Professor Ayers participated passionately in the civil rights and antiwar movements of the 1960s, as did hundreds of thousands of Americans.
And, that's right. Why, I distinctly remember the mandatory bomb-making classes which were mandatory "back in the day". Oh, those wild and crazy sixties! Public school teachers across the land would lead their charges in chants of "Kill the piggies!" Those were the days!
The site also has a petition you can sign. Seeing that "Alfred E. Newman" from the "University of Southern North Dakota at Hoople" had already signed, I gladly and completely voluntarily signed as well: "Isaac P. Friehle", the "Huell Howser professor of Law, Coleman State University at Gary".
We've received a note from Andrew Sullivan!
At one time, Andrew Sullivan was somewhat sane. Then, a series of things happened and, well, you know how he is today.
Over five years ago, I got a link from Sully, and thus I feel duty-bound to help. Using that linkage as an entree, I sent him an email expressing my hope that he seeks help.
I got this in return:
Todd Palin, husband of Sarah Palin, and I share common, sacred bond
Todd Palin - the husband of John McCain's vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin - and I share a common bond.
Todd (as I call him) is part native Alaskan, that is, part Eskimo.
Distant relations of mine are also part Eskimo.
Todd understands the trials and tribulations of those distant relations of mine. I don't know what those trials and tribulations are because I've only seen those relations in photographs, but I'm sure they are several.
While I am not part Eskimo, they are. And, when I look at Todd, I see them. They are me, and I am they. Todd and I share a common bond. Todd is one of us, and I am one of Todd's.
Therefore, I shall vote for McCain, and thereby vote for Sarah, and thereby vote for my brother Todd.
If you don't share that common, sacred bond that I and Todd share, maybe this will work.
UPDATE: Why does Heather MacDonald hate my brother Todd? (link)
Recreate '93
The Democratic National Convention is about as exciting as watching the 37th Plenary Soviet, and even more predictable. The MSM pretends they're doing real reporting, as do the "citizen journalists" whether of the Democratic partisan hack or low-hanging fruit variety. The only thing that would make it interesting is if there were some kind of teleprompter malfunction.
Accordingly, I invite PUMAs and all others to relive the glory days of '93 - the days before Dennis Miller became disfavored - while waiting for something - anything - to happen:
Olympics events (2008 Beijing)
Every two or four years, Americans cluster around their televisions and pretend to be interested in obscure sporting events like the pentathalon. Have you ever done a pentathalon? What exactly is it?
And, that time is again here as the 2008 Beijing Olympics kicked off over the weekend.
There are only two slightly interesting sports: archery and shooting. And, those are only interesting in the same way that their winter counterpart (the biathalon) and NASCAR are interesting: something might go wrong. With almost all the other "sports", it's hard to tell when something has gone right or wrong because only about 0.0001% of Americans have ever played them. They might as well add lacrosse for all the relevance most of the "sports" have to our daily lives.
By now you know the drill: after two weeks of soupy personal tales of the athletes' struggles, four or five stars will be selected to adorn our Cheerios boxes until such time as they've faded from public view and are forced to MC supermarket openings and such.
Here's a rundown of the events this year:
REAL TEAM SPORTS: These are Baseball, Basketball, and (perhaps) Soccer. None are, of course, Football. And, since no one knows anything about the non-U.S. teams, wagering is pointless.
FAKE TEAM SPORTS: Badminton? As for Beach Volleyball, there's only one reason for that. Ditto with its indoor cousin, albeit much less so. Field Hockey is included, and it's close enough to lacrosse to be completely irrelevant to most people. As for Softball, why?
CELEBRATIONS OF VIOLENCE: Boxing, Tae Kwon Do, and Judo. The last two are neither Greek nor American; why are they there?
ROADIE-CENTRICISM: Their idea of Cycling is roadies. While there will be some mountain biking and BMX, that won't be for another week and until that time we'll be forced to watch brightly spandex-clad roadies going around in circles.
MARK SPITZ: Diving and Swimming, who cares?
SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING: Enough said.
BARELY WATCHABLE: The problem with Gymnastics is that by the time they turn 18 they can barely walk.
WHY NOT SHUFFLEBOARD? Handball? The name alone should rule that out. Is Table Tennis even a real sport?
WHY NOT POLO? Seriously, unless you're a Harvard alum or you live in Alaska you've probably never been in either a Canoe or a Kayak. Equestrian? Raise your hand if you own a horse. Ditto with Sailing and Rowing. As for Fencing, why not just make it interesting and go for Dueling? While some from hoi polloi play Tennis, they're trying to keep them out.
TRACK MY BOREDOM: No one knows what the Modern Pentathalon or the Triathalon consist of, and no one cares. There's also a catchall "Track and Field" event for exciting things like watching people jump over hurdles, just like horses.
DO YOU LIKE GLADIATOR MOVIES TOO? I'll put Water Polo, Weight Lifting, and Wrestling in this category for no particular reason.
Exclusive: Secret Barack Obama training video
An escapee from Camp Obama is valiantly trying to get the word out about the Obama campaign, and has sent us the following super-secret Barack Obama campaign training video.
According to our unnamed source, all Level 2 and above BHO campaign volunteers - as well as all staffers and even members of the travelling press corps - are required to watch this video. Not only that, but they have to watch it several times per day.
And, yes, it just goes on and on and on like that.
Barack Obama supporters angered, saddened by John McCain blog commenting scheme
In yet another bone-headed move, the John McCain campaign is encouraging their supporters to leave McCain talking points in commenting sections on blogs (link). If they do that they'll get points which can be redeemed for prizes, including cases of beer. The much more honorable suggestion would be to correct misinformation, but that's not what they want.
Needless to say, reaction was swift and strong from Obama supporters.
Over at The Trail, "Stewie" condemned this plan, and then launched into the suggestion that McCain wears Depends. Three seconds later, "ObamaIsTheOne2008!!!" - oddly enough, using the same IP address as "Stewie" - called those who'd leave such comments names, and then launched into a tirade calling McCain "McSame". Then, five seconds later and also using the same IP address, "BeckyIowa" revealed that she's a 50-year-old white woman who - although previously a McCain supporter - is now voting for Obama. Five seconds later, "Bob Smith" - using an IP address resolving to a web company in Mumbai - claimed:
The tide is starting to swell.The coal is getting stoked. The blinders are being removed. The chant of a few is becoming a chorus of thousands.People all over this country are learning that there is still hope for our great country.Obama 2008.
#dontgo momentum builds! Stumble friendly! Keep it going!
#dontgo (dontgo.us) is truly a "turning point for the right" (link). Others are no doubt raving about it as I write this.
However, I dare anyone who isn't part of the loop to figure out what all those words at the last link mean because I have absolutely no idea what's going on. Nor am I going to bother satirizing how insular one would have to be to expect that anyone who'd visit your site is already "part of the conversation" and thus explaining what you're doing isn't necessary.
Should there be a stiff tariff on Canadian imports?
Based on the following Youtube view counts, I believe that a stiff tariff on Canadian imports - specifically entertainment products - should be enacted. Something on the order of 250% or so. That should also apply to those like the second below who are now U.S.-Canada dual citizens. In fact, it should especially apply in that case.
CANADIAN:
89,654,849 views: link
14,037,992 views: link
9,315,843 views: link
AMERICAN:
8589 views:
All problems solved, Santa Monica moves on to ficus commemorations
Guillaume's Pick: Music Videos of the Week
My main computer's audio doesn't work due to a short of some kind. Thus, with much trepidation I turn to Team Lonewacko member Guillaume to provide us with this week's Music Videos of the Week. He assures me that the music on the following video is top-notch, even if the visuals would tend to give a different impression. He also says that if that's not good enough, this might be even better.
On the other hand, if it turns out that Guillaume is wrong, here are a few from a Hungarian folk-rock-ish band called Chalga (homepage), which not coincidentally is also the name of a musical style which is generally different: link, link, link. The first of those features the lead singer in a scarf, another "special interest" of Guillaume. All I remember about the last is that she keeps repeating something like "gar gush gergelyem" over and over. I have absolutely no idea what that means, but it obviously means something to her.
Pr000n spotted in Google News
And, not the regular kind of imaginary pr000n involving Nancy Pelosi getting busy, but the real kind. Apparently their standards aren't as strict as I've heard.
There's a screenshot in the extended entry for those with a strong enough constitution.
Accessible mouse idea developed during hike leads to learning fun Canadian facts
The World Wide Web is truly a wonderland of learning, and thus it was for me today. While out hiking I had an idea for an accessible mouse that would be easy to use for those with various disabilities.
Sadly, it looks like a team of students has already developed something that's more or less the idea I had (link). So, I guess you won't be calling me the next Bill Gates, at least because of that idea!
On the brighter side, the search that brought me to that page wasn't clogged with Wikipedia entries, but eventually after broadening the search I chanced upon that site. And, that's where I found the following graphic that contains at least three things I (and probably you) didn't know. The first, of course, is that the first trackball was invented in Canada. The second is that it was invented in 1952 instead of the late 60s or so. As for the third:
In the past I've had some fun with our neighbor to the north, something that's both politically acceptable and very easy. My overall impression is that they're basically like the U.S., just "rotated" one or two degrees. They're mostly like us, but different in minor but disconcerting ways, such as one might see in an old Twilight Zone episode. For instance, their stop signs say "Arret" too/aussi. Or, their street signs look like American street signs, but are in a weird font and with a weird color scheme. Or, all the other minor but curious differences.
But, five-pin bowling, a variant "only played in Canada" and created "in response to customers who complained that the ten-pin game was too strenuous"? And, complete with its own hand-sized rubber ball, non-standard terminology, and Associations [en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Five-pin_bowling]? Knowledge of this alone could end America's love affair with our Neighbors to the North.
Bulgarian Folk Song Singing Hungarian Choir Babes of the Week
As most readers know, I prefer my Bulgarian folk music performed raw and real, and by Bulgarians themselves, even if it involves the bagpipe (link) or a drum solo (link). Yet, in one of his rare moments of insight, Team Lonewacko member Guillaume brought up the possibility of featuring *others* singing one of their songs, even if it's not in the more traditional fashion we've all come to expect (link). Bridging the Hungary/Bulgaria divide is one of his special interests, so eventually I was sold on the idea.
Accordingly, and without further ado, I hereby present our Bulgarian Folk Song Singing Hungarian Choir Babes of the Week... none other than the Serenus choir out of Kac, Pest Megye, Hungary (site). And, I think you'll agree.
Unsigned 40+-targeting New Zealand-living former Russian Mezzo Soprano of The Week
Congratulations! Team Lonewacko has selected this week's Unsigned 40+-targeting New Zealand-living former Russian Mezzo Soprano of The Week, and it's none other than Yulia Townsend! While she could not be reached for comment she is most assuredly proud of her award:
This cannot go unnoticed
The following is, I'm going to guess, NSFW: link. No doubt there are things even worse, but that's today's pick. I only watched the first part but keep what happens after that to yourself.
Meanwhile, if you can stand their style of music, the Barrel House Mamas aren't that bad: link. Someone else isn't bad but could be do with some improvement: link.
Earth Day was two days ago and I forgot to recycle
To make it all better, I offer the following flashback to 1995's Earth Day celebration on the National Mall in DC. Wave your Recycle flag high:
Eddie Izzard eyes political career!
Who cares. Here's some pictures of Minnie Driver:
Drudge, KGW leave me disillusioned, depressed (Mt. St. Helens snowmobiler, "ghost forest")
Drudge links to this story with the headline "Man falls into Mt. St. Helens Crater on snowmobile!" Thinking someone driving or at least seated on such a conveyance had gone over the edge, I clicked through only to find out that he had actually parked it near the edge and then had gone out on a cornice - an ice overhang - which had then broken off and he tumbled down the slope. While I'm glad that he's listed in fair condition, I don't have to add that things could have been as spectacular as Drudge promised.
Meanwhile, the same page contains a link to "Beachgoers find 'ghost forest' along Oregon Coast". Sounds intriguing, I think, envisioning a previously unnoticed hidden forest found somewhere on Oregon's desolate coast. Perhaps with spider webs and buried treasure or something. As it turns out, the "forest" is just a petrified tree stumps in the beach.
Al Gore's Green Pioneers program to fight global warming!
Al Gore has announced the new "Green Pioneers" program, a children's organization that will fight global warming and work to safeguard our environment. Green Pioneers Camps will be established across the U.S., and members will pass out literature, monitor energy consumption, and the like:
It certainly sounds like a worthy program, but something bothers me about it. It's like there's something I'm not being told or something.
Why England's in trouble, and what they can do
A far-left that would put Michael Moore to shame running the country. Rampant abuse of their immigration system that has no cost benefits. One-fifth of their workers being government employees. Surveillance cameras everywhere.
How did once-proud England descend to such a state? What can they do to pull themselves out of it before it's too late?
My answer: make knowing how to do the following mandatory for every immigrant and visitor, and make every last resident or visitor perform it at least once per day.
It's over: John McCain is our new president. I'm going on a holiday.
In a way, the news that John McCain is our new president is a bit of a relief. I'm not happy about it, but on the other hand it was getting just too nerve-wracking for a moment there, and now I can go on a nice holiday.
Secret tape of Arianna Huffington
Arianna Huffington... exposed! Apparently someone snuck a secret camera into her hotel room, and you can see a shocking peek at her life here.
(Yes, I hate promoting something like this and I wish it was so mean that Huffington herself wasn't promoting it and possibly due to some sort of business arrangement. However, it all fits together since yesterday I intentionally drove behind a bus just so I could stare at Tracey Ullman's tongue.)
Like a rock sinking like a stone: Mike Gravel joins Libertarian Party
I am laughing as I type the news that novelty Democratic Party candidate Mike Gravel has now joined the Libertarian Party. No, really.
The subhead of the LP press release is "Believes Democrats are out of touch with American citizens". So, logically enough, he's joined a party that's even more out of touch.
On the one hand it's good that Gravel was in the race, and it's not exactly a good sign that he was excluded from the debates, and it's good that to a certain extent he bucked the system (aside from things like supporting global governance and not caring about illegal immigration). But, on the other hand he was more or less a joke. On the other other hand, it's too bad he wasn't dragging down the Democrats even more than he did. But, on the other other other hand, at least he'll be providing his magic to the LP henceforth.
"Stained Blue Dress Day": new national holiday; other Hillary Clinton scheduling notes
Breaking news from Brian Ross and the indefatigable ABC News Investigate Unit, who inform us that February 28th is now officially known as "Stained Blue Dress Day:
Hillary Clinton spent the night in the White House on the day her husband had oral sex with Monica Lewinsky, and may have actually been in the White House when it happened... The public schedule for Sen. Clinton on Feb. 28, 1997, the day on which Lewinsky's infamous blue dress would become stained by the president, shows the first lady spent the morning and the night in the White House.
I'm urgently perusing all 20 gigabytes of the PDF files (available here), and these are some other interesting tidbits I've found:
* December 21, 1992: "vacation in the mountains". Which mountains is not indicated.
* July 20, 1993: "Writing a note for a friend". The friend in question or what the note was about is not indicated.
* September 26, 1993: "quick trip to Little Rock". Once again, no details are provided.
Let me know if this works
Slow news day, so to pass the time I thought I'd see if I could induce spontaneous vomiting across the U.S. and the world. Let me know what happens.
If that doesn't hit the spot, try this, this, or this.
Songs of peace, freedom, and liberation... or a communist plot?
Where did the "Hippies" come from anyway? Was there an original hippie? If so, what is his name? How exactly did a social movement that still has an impact even yet today gain such influence so quickly? Bearing in mind that hippiedom occured contemporaneously with the Cold War and with us fighting a proxy war against Communism, could it have actually been a Communist plot, designed to soften us up and make our loss certain and perhaps make the spread of Communism easier?
And, was Grace Slick in actuality not simply a useful idiot for the Soviet Union, but in actuality an agent of that empire?
To those questions I have no answers.
However, the answer might in fact be in one of the suprisingly large number of high quality Jefferson Airplane videos available online. The embedded one below is my current favorite; it appears to be live as her phrasing is somewhat different from the recorded version. And, her facial expressions are quite interesting.
For extra hippie with a revolutionary aspect, see this version of Volunteers (link). Today is a good song, although the cameraman doesn't seem to realize that Marty Balin is the one singing it (link). Focus all you want on GS, I don't mind. For some extra acidity, see Eskimo Blue Day (link). Crown of Creation is also a great song (link). In High Flyin' Bird GS gets intenser (link). Here's a version of White Rabbit that Disney's lawyers have apparently missed (link). (Note: may induce seizures and/or flashbacks.) Up against the wall, hippies, and watch We Can Be Together (link). That actually makes hippies look somewhat OK.
Barack Obama supporters: why you should vote for Lim Guan Eng instead
Here are just some of the reasons why Barack Obama supporters should vote for Lim Guan Eng instead:
1. Just like Obama, Lim Guan Eng is the candidate of change.
2. The Democratic Party is truly an international party, and, just as foreign citizens have every right to vote in U.S. elections, Democrats have every right to vote in Malaysia's elections too.
3. Lim's party, the Democratic Action Party, is only one word off from the Democratic Party. Close enough!
4. The DAP might be even further left than Obama, being a member of the Socialist International (dapmalaysia.org/newenglish/int_solidarity.htm). Barack Obama is not a member of the Socialist International, as far as I know.
5. Teresa Kok Suh Sim (dapmalaysia.org/newenglish/au_l_n.htm)
6. The USDP's (U.S. Democratic Party) symbol is a tired old donkey. The DAP has a nifty, Space Age logo: a rocket (dapmalaysia.org/newenglish/au_sr.htm).
7. Unlike the donkey (or the plodding elephant), the rocket actually means something:
The blue circle stands for the unity of the multi-racial people of Malaysia. The white background stands for purity and incorruptibility. The red rocket symbolizes the Party's aspiration for a modern, dynamic and progressive society. The four rocket boosters represent the support and drive given to the Party objectives by the three major races and others
8. The rocket's as dynamic and forward-looking as the DAP. As shown here, it can be morphed into a friendly, smiling, anthropomorphic figurine. Obama has no such symbol.
For those reasons and more, I urge you to vote for Lim and not Obama.
Win a date with Scarlett Johansson (and support Oxfam America)
Scarlett Johansson is auctioning off a date with her to attend a movie premiere, and the proceeds will benefit Oxfam America. Don't even think about what that sounds similar to or the fact that the following is an AffiliateLink and just click here to bid on your fun time with Scarlet. In addition to Ms. Johanson, you can also bid on "dates" with heretofore-unknown-to-me personages Kristin Davis, Djimon Hounsou. Those who are looking for a bargain should probably bid on the "date" with the Counting Crows. (Note: most of those will not include the possibility to get "acquainted" with the celebrity in question, although I recommend a stylish aftershave, NLP lessons, and a hopeful demeanor just in case.)
Let's make a video for Barack Obama!
Here's the challenge: take the new will.i.am video in support of Barack Obama, you know, the really creepy one with the chanting and the braindead celebrities like Jessica Alba and others I have no hope of identifying telling us how Obama's going to save the environment and bring world peace just before he brings all of us a pony and a shiny new bicycle. You know, that one.
Then, replace or augment the soundtrack with Hare Krishna chanting (link, link), preferably one that's as absolutely annoying as possible, just chanting "Hare Krishna" over and over and over and over again. For extra points, mix in some sounds of other groups which are considered to be cults (just avoid that one, the you-know-what-I-mean-one, unless you want a snake in your mailbox). Maybe throw in a very light touch of marching (go easy on that, can't overdo it). Maybe reference The Comet with a brief image of black Nikes.
But, you've got to do it in a way that's tasteful. And, make sure you do it all legal like: adding a new soundtrack to the will.i.am video would probably be fair use, but taking good portions of content from one of those Hare Krishna videos would not be.
For extra credit, load the video on a laptop and play it over and over at full volume while asking for donations at your local airport.
Controversial Croatian Classical Guitar Playing Babe of the Week: Ana Vidovic
Team Lonewacko has selected Ana Vidovic as our Controversial Croatian Classical Guitar Playing Babe of the Week. And, yes, it would be even better if she would "go bf" (in the words of Team member Guillaume), but we takes what we gets:
Related:
Croatian Olympics Babe of the Day
Pochemu ona ne govorila po-Russki?
I don't know, you tell me:
I thought Lindsay Lohan was supposed to be good looking?
In the few minutes of Herbie the Lovebug (or whatever) I saw, I found the actress quite attractive and then found out through a search that she was in fact this Lindsay Lohan that I'd heard about. However, the news that LinLo (or whatever they call her) was recreating Marilyn Monroe's last photo shoot didn't exactly perk up my ears; MM was OK, just not exactly my type.
What did pique my interest was Br'er Drudge's stern warning: [*Warning: Nudity*]...
And, that warning is transferred to you via the transitive property, should you be daring enough to click here.
Don't say I didn't warn you, but not for the reason you might think: she doesn't look very good at all (aside from a couple of assets which you might notice).
Now, her, she's stunning even despite needing a few good meals.
UPDATE: The LRT ("Lonewacko Research Team") has unearthed this, this, and this.
Perky Katie Couric, ready for the slopes, gives uncomfortable, unnecessary look into her life
I refresh Perky Katie Couric's channel (youtube.com/user/KatieCouric) every few minutes, hoping to be among the first to catch a glimpse into how the magic is made. And, I (and you) are in luck, as a new oeuvre has emerged, this time featuring Katie in a ski-style sweater and even one moment wearing a fur hat (hopefully fake fur) as she prepares for yet another hard-hitting interview, this time with Michelle Obama. Nothing really interesting happens and she doesn't say anything interesting at all. However, those whose secret thrill involves Katie, video cameras, and a hotel room are in luck:
Should Katie Couric be sent into outer space?
Perky Katie Couric now has her own Youtube channel: youtube.com/user/KatieCouric
Her latest addition to the online manifestation of her presence in our lives is entitled "My Shuttle Ride". I thought for a moment that it would be about a plan to send her on a trip on the Space Shuttle, perhaps for a long stint on some sort of orbitting platform or other. Unfortunately, the "shuttle" reference was just about the New York to DC shuttle, which she had taken in order to interview Hillary Clinton. That no doubt extremely hard-edged segment will be shown tonight.
In the video she's putting on her face with her makeup assistant sitting next to her. While videos like this humanize her, the fact remains that her output isn't anything approaching real journalism. Perhaps for her next flight she might consider a different kind of assistant: one who can think up difficult questions and encourage Perky Katie to ask them.
"Pride of England" banned from USA
The Bush administration's anti-immigrant policies strike again, as Amy Winehouse's request for a visa to visit the U.S. has been denied (link).
Believe it or don't, there's an even worse photo of Winehouse here.
This horrific event follows not long on the heels of that other Pride of England, Lily Allen being denied entry.
Even more insidiously, some don't need visas, and only denaturalization would work.
The upside is that any shortages could prompt a presidential directive to clone our far superior alternatives (Chinese site, but seems to be OK).
URGENTLY IMPORTANT BREAKING NEWS UPDATE: The DHS worked night and day, and her visa has been granted. Just not in time for the Grammy Awards. Nevertheless, her people say she's grateful for them expediting her application.
THANK GOSH FOR THE MSM UPDATE: A State Department hack was quizzed about the issue in a press briefing, with a valiant albeit unnamed member of the mainstream media relentlessly cross-examining him about this travesty of justice.
Heard any good Gregorian chants lately?
As much as I hate Youtube, they do seem to be a repository for a wide variety of chorale, choir, church, and related music. Unfortunately, a quick glance shows that while some aren't that bad (link, link) some of them aren't that good. Some are really bad (link). One that is good is just a static graphic from a recording. (That's John McCain in the lower center, if you're wondering).
MADRIGALULAR EYE-CANDY UPDATE: link
I will not let Americans be as ignorant of Canada as Britons are of their own history
I find it shocking that, at least according to an AFP account of some study, 1 in 4 English think Winston Churchill was a myth and a majority think Sherlock Holmes was real (link).
In order to avoid the same thing happening here in the U.S., I'll soon begin uploading videos designed to help we Americans know more about topics such as geography and history, and, since they're our neighbors, I intend to start with a series about Canada.
I don't know how long the first series will take me, but I hope to have it finished before the Summer Thaw. While some plucky tourists are willing to brave the 20 hours of travel currently required to reach icebound cities like Toronto, many more will wait until June when the passage should only take 7 or 8 hours. In the video, I'll highlight "Canadian National Treasures" such as Avril Lavigne, Alanis Morrissette, and William Shatner, as well as political leaders such as Kim Campbell. Many regard him as Canada's best Prime Minister ever. I'll also be featuring this map of our friends in the "snowy north":
Images of Canada/Images du Canada
(counterclockwise, left to right: Canadian National Songbird Avril Lavigne, Honorary Canadian National Poet Alanis Morrissette, William Shatner, traditional Canadian peasent costume, man holding third most popular pet in Canada, and the flags of Canada and Quebec)
Danica Patrick has new, better look; GoDaddy still sucks
Highway star Danica Patrick has a new, better look although this or the former are not exactly fully compliant with my paradigmatical standpoint:
In other news, GoDaddy still sucks.
P.S. Is there a Big Game on or something?
I WENT FOR A HIKE, DID SOMETHING HAPPEN? UPDATE: Due to an unfortunate incident involving a turducken, I haven't had much interest in football for several years, but, since it would be un-American to not see any part of the Big Game I had planned to get back from a hike sometime near the beginning of the fourth quarter. Unfortunately, I had car problems which took several minutes to resolve, resulting in me getting back with just 35 seconds left. It looks like I missed one of the more exciting Big Games of the last decade or so. I'd describe what happened during the part of the Big Game that I saw, but I don't want a repeat of NFL v. Lonewacko.
I note also that Godaddy has a Danica Patrick TV ad that was supposedly rejected by Fox for being too racy here:
https://www.godaddy.com/gdshop/media/lounge.asp?isc=superbowl&ci=11206
In the ad, she's wearing a peasant dress at the library while giving a speech about the new group she's forming to fight City Hall to prevent them from razing a hospital for developmentally disabled children in the Mid-Hudson River Valley, and immediately after learning that she's inherited 10 million dollars.
Thought experiment: how was Feist protected? ("I Feel It All" video)
Canadian songstress Leslie Feist has a new music video for her Welthit "I Feel It All" (link). And, it's hard not to watch it without cringing. There are several reasons for that, but the specific one having to do with the video itself is the thought of what could have gone wrong.
The video was shot in one take, and as she ran around tapping barrels containing fireworks, all I could think of was this. So, as a retread of my much better "thought experiment" involving a 2002 Gap ad, let me present some precautions they should have taken:
1. Painstakingly paint "fireworks" into each frame of the video.
2. Dunking her in fire-retardent chemicals and hiding a fire suit under her striped shirt.
3. Include a clause in her contract stating that Canadians are well known to be resistant to fire and disclaiming all responsibility.
4. Positioning a giant fire extinguisher above the set which, at the first hint of problems, would immediately douse the entire area with fire retardant. Artist rendition of the first milliseconds after activation below.
5. Instead of using real fireworks, use miniature, self-powered, computerized laser cartridges which, acting in concert, would appear to be fireworks.
I believe the last has the most merit. The cartridges would not have to "fly", they could move along pre-positioned titanium wires that would both be strong and nearly invisible. The cartridges would move - perhaps via magnetic or electrical force - along the wires, and could even be powered by the wires themselves. The weight of the cartridges could also be used to give a fireworks style effect. Alternatively, they could be charged with a capacitor initially, and then as it lost charge the light they emit would fade as with real fireworks. I believe that Industrial Light & Magic could pull something like that off with ease.
"Ah", you're thinking: but how would Feist be protected against falling cartridges? Well, first of all, the ends of the titanium wires would contains stops. However, some might yet fly over the stops, and because of that the cartridges would be designed to be as large and light as possible so as to minimize any possible harm. In addition, Feist would wear a helmet during the filming which could be fairly easily Photoshopped out of each frame.
Occasional Cable TV Liberal Talking Head Babe of the Week: Alexandra Acker
Whenever I spot the smiling visage of Alexandra Acker of the YDA (Young Democrats of America, not to be confused with Students for a Democratic Society, Young Pioneers, or related groups) out of the corner of my eye I immediately lunge for the remote, unmute the sound, and gaze in rapt attention. I don't believe anything she says, but I do enjoy the view:
CNN Jesuit Babe of the Day: Mary Snow
CNN's political coverage for the last hour or so is eerily remiscent of ESPN coverage of some novelty sporting event, like the 2002 Caber Tossing Championship from Nampa, Idaho. One just-one-level-above-weatherman "reporter" tosses it to another, who - speaking in hushed tones as if it were the 1994 Miniature Golf Championships from Tallahassee - gives a stock speech about the stock speech from Rudy Giuliani.
Meanwhile, all the questions that those "reporters" should be asking the politicians remain competely unasked.
And, in fact, there's only one good reason to watch both CNN and Fox, and one of them has just won our Jesuit Babe of the Day. The lucky recipient is Mary Snow, graduate of NYC's Fordham University from which she earned a BS in Political Science, which she's certainly put to good use as one of Ted Turner's foot soldiers on CNN.
Related:
Croatian Olympics Babe of the Day
International incident involving Queen Elizabeth, David Icke, and me
There are several ways to respond to the Queen of England (Elizabeth II) putting her Christmas 2007 speech on Youtube. One can simply enjoy the spectacle and the majesty. Or, one can leave a cheerful comment on one of the copies of the speech that others have uploaded. Alternatively, one can launch into a disquisition about whether royalty has a place in that country.
Or, one can just go for the cheap laughs:
I don't know why its so hard to get a good video on the British Royal family. I've never been able to find a reptilian video on them that was really clear. I think thats why your getting 1 star.
Indeed.
Here's your Christmas present
Here's a Christmas music video I made several years ago; history described at the link.
Here's a keeper
Here's some raw concert footage from 1987 in Rochester, New York featuring Natalie Merchant/10,000 Maniacs performing My Sister Rose. The sound isn't that great and the video could use some post-processing, but considering the twirling I hardly noticed that:
A version of Peace Train from the same concert has better sound (link).
Matt Yglesias, Ross Douthat, and Marc Ambinder at... The Table
This video of the premiere edition of The Atlantic's entry into vlogging is just too funny for words. I was laughing so hard at the intro music plus the hosts turning to the camera that I was unable to listen to the rest (probably for the best).
IT WAS ALL JUST A DREAM UPDATE: Now, SansAClue (Yglesias) says the intro was meant to be ironic. Apparently, as in, we were expecting three privileged Northeast establishment hacks and... we got something different? Despite his explanation, I'll continue laughing at them, not with them.
Some forms of xenophobia are acceptable
Even many "liberals" would agree that some forms of xenophobia are acceptable. For instance, the Indian singer - whose name I tried and failed to find - who was playing a double guitar in a Bollywood music video while dressed as a cowboy. It's OK to be afraid of foreigners like that.
Another foreigner it's OK to be afraid of is this guy:
Maybe she has other talents
I certainly have never taken a former supermodel turned megastar singer anywhere, much less to Disneyland Paris. So, it's only jealousy when I point out that whatever Nicolas Sarkozy sees in Carla Bruni, it's probably not her voice (link). I'm also going to rip off a commenter at that link and ask, "is that Sarkozy with the candle?"
FAQ on Celebrity Politics Permanent Pass
Q. What is the "Celebrity Politics Permanent Pass"?
A. The "CPPP" is a grant given from this site that allows the celebrity recipient ("CR") of the CPPP to state virtually any political opinion without being subjected to my trademarked snarky, bile-spewing, and/or vituperative commentary. While I reserve the right to disagree, I will simply politely point out how the CR is wrong.
Q. How many CPPP's have been awarded so far?
A. One.
Q. I'm a celebrity (or a representative thereof). How do I get a CPPP for myself (or those whom I represent)?
A. Pray! Just kidding. Write your application down on a card and send it to us and we'll get back to you or something.
Q. Can you give us an example of what might invoke the CPPP?
A. Yes. Consider this snippet from a contribution by the CR, which appeared in a 1991 edition of The Nation in a special section called "What is Patriotism?" (link):
The acceptance of a common historical view may be considered the cornerstone of nationalism, yet when I consider the most broadly accepted view of history I realize that my America is quite different. In my America Columbus was not a benevolent explorer who happened upon an earthly paradise that yielded itself bloodlessly to his will. In my America the native peoples of this continent were not hostile savages, unprovoked to violence against the benign European colonialists. In my America the tobacco exports of the newborn Virginia settlement addicted a world to a powerful drug to secure a market and survival. In my America the capture, torture and enslavement of a race is unforgivable. In my America the blood and sweat of millions created an industrial power, and fortunes for relatively few.
I certainly disagree to a large extent. Few people think the conquest of the Americas was anything but a long series of wars, with - as in any other war ever fought - winners and losers. And, I will point out that those events happened many years ago and that in many ways the U.S. has been a rousing success and not just a beacon to the world but a constantly changing experiment. In general, I agree with Hank Hill. But, I digress.
Q. Who is the CR of the CPPP?
A.
When "kinda creepy" meets beautiful
It looks like this:
Why few take libertarianism seriously (11/23/07 4:24pm edition)
The 11/23/07 4:24pm (and 32 milliseconds) edition of our running feature "Why few take libertarianism seriously" features "Thanksgiving: The Producer's Holiday" from the Ayn Rand Institute (link). In case it disappears - as at least one article from that Institute has in the past - there's a cached copy here.
UPDATE: 11/23/07 4:24pm (and 73 milliseconds) edition of this feature is on display in the highly-similar "An Ayn Rand Thanksgiving - you've earned it!" And, it's even more libertarian than the other:
But, morally, we should reach for the sky. We should recognize that the corporate profits, electricity or pie was earned through our production - and savor its consumption. We should take pride in being rationally selfish - our lives and happiness depend on it.
Caption this George W. Bush picture (Part #931123)
Here, I'll start:
A Connecticut Doofus in Colonial Williamsburg
"What's a 'time machine', and why does this 'Dick Cheney' hate us so?"
"No, this isn't Paraguay."
(Picture from his Thanksgiving day address: link).
The bluebirds have yet not flown south for the winter due to the hot weather in Southern California
Just thought I'd pass on this observation: the bluebirds have yet not flown south for the winter due to the hot weather in Southern California. However, there appear to be fewer sparrows and pigeons around these days, perhaps simply because of the unseasonably warm weather. Yesterday it must have been 79 or 80, and the day before it was probably around 84. Unlike in New England, there are not only no leaves to turn, but the leaves wouldn't turn if they could. That said, at around the 5532' elevation level or so, there are indeed deciduous trees that can turn. You can see those by heading 25.3 or so miles up Highway 2. Best of luck!
AP: 'HuffPost "Worst Post" selection committee suffers group seizure'
This story just crossed the wires. Neurologists speculate it has something to do with all the possibilities simply "overloading their circuits" due to all the entries from Dave Johnson and many, many others, combined with this recent post being thrown on the pile:
Communist Party Pride! (TV ad)
You might be a Communist and not know it! We support things like a woman's right to vote, Social Security, and environmentalism. If you support those things too, you're a Communist and welcome to the Party. (We can worry about those other things we support later on).
Note: this isn't a take-off on the Center for American Progress "progressive" ads (like youtube.com/watch?v=qnktauTeIeg). It just looks a lot like it.
(While I prefer to let my art speak for itself and let others interpret it, I should point out that I'm not comparing "progressives" to Communists, only highlighting that CAP is being misleading about not disclosing everything that today's "progressives" represent.)
On puppets
I don't have much patience for novelty acts, and I have even less for the almost-completely-unknown-Canadian-cult-artist folk singer type, however, I do like the way she rolls the puppet here:
On the other hand, this video from about 18 years ago is the real deal:
Henry Rollins: how ashamed of himself should he feel?
Consider this clip from the aged punk's show before answering:
Is he putting some of the profits from the show aside in order to get her the treatment she obviously needs?
If his viewers get tired of JG, perhaps he could show bum fights or make fun of the retarded instead.
Hugh Hewitt is really, really, really happy about his cruise of South America
While smiles like this are usually associated with either maniacs or those who are about to embark on a BrazillianSexTour, I am almost positive that Hugh Hewitt was just having a good day. A really, really, really good day:
What does the Democratic Party stand for? (An Introduction)
Think you're a Republican? Think again! Dr. R. C. West of the DCNC has put together this instructional video to help show what the Democratic Party stands for and why you should join:
How many famous Democrats can you spot?
REGRETS, I'VE HAD A FEW UPDATE: While Democratic icon Gus Hall made the video - twice! - I unfortunately forgot to include pictures of Neville Chamberlain, Vidkun Quisling, and others. I also only had one piece of DailyKos content (the Joe Lieberman photoshop) and I didn't include their Ahmadinejad poll. Next time.
Students visit asylum, see Tony Villar, Dianne Feinstein
(From the L.A. Times, via this)
John Edwards in shocking torrid affair?
Our confidential sources are now ready to report: presidential contender John Edwards is involved in a steamy, shocking, torrid affair which started via phone calls and email messages and soon "exploded into romance":"The affair started about 18 months ago," a friend says the woman confessed to her. "When they met at a bar, sparks flew immediately.
"She never expected it would turn sexual since John is married and is running for President. But it soon did — and she fell for him."
In one bombshell e-mail message provided to The NATIONAL ENQUIRER, the woman confesses to a friend she's "in love with John," but it's "difficult because he is married and has kids."
In another e-mail, she writes: "Last night and this a.m., he actually has amazed me. He is a great man. My heart is loud and my head is silenced."
Liberal or Conservative? A primer with videos
Conservatives believe in authority, an almost mathematically-based order, efficiency, and reason:
On the other hand, liberals (called in more extreme cases "progressives" or "socialists") substitute reason for pure emotionalism. They enjoy dressing up as fairy tale characters and similar and engaging in historical re-creations; they believe in faerie sprites, hobgoblins, and elves. They also tend to have higher voices. And, they enjoy long walks through the woods engaging in interpretive dance:
Just show us your... Neglected Tropical Diseases
There are only a few things I associate with Huffington Post's newest blogger, and "neglected tropical diseases" is not one of them (link).
I learned about NTDs when I heard Dr. Peter Hotez speak at least year's Clinton Global Initiative and I felt compelled to help raise awareness of this injustice.
UPDATE: I note sadly that her headshot is just 45 by 45 pixels, while, as I pointed out before, a whopping 45 by 64 pixel picture was needed to contain the head of Bill Maher. Because we really want to get a close-up look at him.
Got a letter for Bob?
This [warning: NSFW] is pretty funny, and manages to be almost as creepy as the real Bob.
Harvest Hillary! And, Gravel looks for a rock
Tonight's Democratic debate was just a sham, so let's make with the funny or a close approximation thereto.
First, it's Harvest Hillary. Dressed in one of her autumnal pantsuits, the candidates prepares to make what is considered in some countries an obscene gesture:
Then, Mike Gravel look for either a rock to throw, or for his single supporter:
It's time to call out the enablers!
I want to assure everyone that this video is neither a troll nor a satire, and it's not sad at all that those leaving comments* can't figure that out:
* UPDATE: To make this perfectly clear, the reference is to the comments at Youtube, not those here. I would also like to clarify that the "ENABLER!" graphic - which I just copied and pasted into random places immediately before pressing 'Save' - may be a bit confusing. The appearance in the video of The Pope and The Natster are meant to be guiding lights on JFo's path to recovery and I am not in any way accusing them of being enablers.
Hillary Clinton: I'm not a lesbian *
Responding to the question "How do you respond to the occasional rumor that you're a lesbian?", Hillary Clinton says: "It's not true".
* Now, certainly, some reactionaries and other members of The Conspiracy might say something about the meaning of the word "is" in this case. But, it does apply, since "are" is a declension of "is", and the word "is" in this case is not entirely clear. Could it be referring to that instant moment at which the question was asked? Certainly, it wasn't referring to all time in the past, present (whatever moment the present might be; it constantly changes), or the future. When saying "it's not true", could Hillary be referring to the rumor itself, saying that she's never heard that rumor? Or, could she have been referring to the frequency of the rumor, saying that she thought it was heard more or less times than "occasional" would suggest? Could she have some lesbian "experiences" but not be a full-on lesbian? Could she have thought that she was responding to the question whether she was really from the Island of Lesbos?
Take the poll in the extended entry!
What would you like Sally Field to dress as?
You can only choose one, so make it count.
In defense of Katie Couric
Once every decade or so, this site seeks to be fair and balanced and defend Katie Couric from her critics, such as those who point out that her trip to Iraq generated record-tying low ratings.
~~~ BEGIN DEFENSE ~~~
I actually think she looks better with the more natural look and with her hair tied back.
~~~ END DEFENSE ~~~
Los Angeles Times cost-saving measures released
The Los Angeles Times has released several cost-saving measures they'll be undergoing to deal with declining circulation:
* Patt Morrisson will auction past hats off on eBay (wait, it gets better).
* Their "Reader's Rep" will be replaced with an email address that no one reads.
* Selected stories about celebrities will be outsourced to those celebrities' publicists.
* Something about wikis replacing their current blogs or something. Maybe Michael Kinsley has some ideas.
* The City Hall beat will be written by Tony Villar's office.
* All stories about protests will be outsourced to ANSWER.
* All stories about immigration will be outsourced to the Los Angeles Mexican consulate.
There, that ought to do it.
BOY AM I EMBARRASSED UPDATE: I just realized that the date on the LAT's press release announcing the changes was September 6, 1997, not 2007.
Sam Brownback addresses the multitudes in New Hampshire
Speaking yesterday at the New Hampshire Institute of Politics at Saint Anselm College in Manchester, NH, Senator Sam Brownback drew a crowd. The following picture explains why so many people were there:
Breaking: Watergate 2? Burglars break into politician's office
Breaking... In what may in fact turn out to be "Watergate 2", burglars have broken into a politician's office and have taken unspecified things, also leaving unspecified evidence behind... Developing... now trying to determine where, when, to whom...
This just in... dateline: Hartford Connecticut... politician is Senator and presidential candidate Christopher Dodd... never mind...
Nancy Pelosi is Teh Hottness
In case you're having trouble finding what exactly Drudge is refering to, I've enlarged and highlighted the affected area:
She can - she must - do better.
Welcome the latest member of Team Lonewacko!
In order to get into Google News, I'm converting this site into a group blog. Sure, some might have thought it was a group blog already, given that both Robert Hilburn and an apparent Clintonian agent have all posted here. But those were all just very clever fakes.
This time it's for real. Due to a recent downsizing at his company, next week we'll be bringing on board famed journalist and thought leader Ed Anger. Please welcome him to the team.
Dennis Kucinich hospitalized with "food poisoning"
At least, that's the official tale. We here suspect extreme exhaustion:
Of course, it might be something other than his wife. We could in fact be witnessing Hillary Clinton starting to bump off this round of her enemies.
Keeping the dream alive
There are some people who appear never to have complied with our wishes, but that doesn't keep people from wishing that they had. One of the latter persons recently visited this site via a search for:
I'm putting it in pictoral format to avoid other such searches, since I cannot comply with their request.
Perhaps that earnest searcher is, like me, a fan of the Star Trek episode "Faces" from Voyager [1], the one where B'Elanna Torres (played by Roxann Dawson, formerly with a "Biggs-" on her last name) turned completely human rather than half-Klingon. I really liked the vulnerable all-human version, especially the scene in the cave or whatever, and I was sad to see her have to have her ridges glued back on. My occasional searches for others sharing my same speciality interests reveals little; perhaps they're too busy arguing over Picard vs. Kirk.
Here's a screengrab from presumably the end of the episode which looks OK, and here's a publicity shot where she's looking really good. Here's a small picture of unknown setting. Nowadays, of course, you can find her hanging out with people who like to play dress up (link, link).
[1] en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Faces_%28Star_Trek:_Voyager%29
Eddie Murphy sighting
la.indymedia.org/news/2007/06/200054.php
I kid, I kid.
Diana Chi: have you no shame? (Some will dare call it treason)
MSNBC has recently released a list of some journalists who've made political contributions. Shockingly, 1 out of 9 of them have donated to Republicans or conservatives. Let's take a look at these people that I - at least - shall dare call traitors.
There are the expected reactionaries: Joe Scarborough, a couple Forbes editors, and a Bill O'Reilly producer.
However, there are some others we might not suspect, such as 19 year old Diana Chi, a so-called "news writer" at KTLA right here in Los Angeles. She's donated $8,025 to the Republican National Committee... since she was 14! Clearly, these must have been sham transactions. Either that, or she was brainwashed at an early age.
Perhaps even more shocking are the contributions from Rafael Roman, a Thirteen/WNET host ("New York Voices"). Instead of, for instance, donating to The Nation or ANSWER as you might expect from a PBS host in New York City, he gave $250 to Bush in 2004.
Moles don't just live in gardens, they live in the very heart of our most cherished edifices.
Moles also seek to subvert our cherished culture: Charles Perry, food writer for the Los Angeles Times, gave to the RNC. Washington Post film critic Stephen Hunter gave to the NRCC. Robin Gaby Fisher, feature writer for Newark's Star-Ledger, gave to both Bush and the RNC. Harry Broertjes, a "copy editor/page designer" for the Miami Herald is a serial offender, donating to both Bush and the RNC. Reactionaries to the south of me: San Diego Union-Tribune graphic artist Joe Cline gave to the RNC, as did Barbara Bradley, fashion editor of Memphis' Commercial Appeal. Even Beth Hudson, a self-descript "sports reporter" with Allentown's beloved Morning Call gave to the RNC.
There are other moles, covert agents, Fifth Columnists, and other traitors listed... but even more importantly there are many yet to be uncovered.
Your road map towards understanding "liberals"
I kid, I kid.
Epistle to The Nation, in re: Eric Alterman arrest
I have sent the following "bletter" to The Nation in regards to their article "Alterman's Arrest" about the momentary arrest of the famous Nation columnist who is also a paid Media Matters hack. Perhaps it will be printed:I'm sure I'm not the only one who's thinking this must have been a coordinated attack. What better way to draw attention away from the devastating points the Democratic contenders were making... other than to hijack the conversation by having a well-known and highly-respected journalist arrested! My beliefs are further strengthened by this appearing on the Drudge Report which, as everyone who's "in the know" knows, is controlled by the RNC Central Committee.
No, this was no random arrest. This was planned well beforehand, with the very strong possibility that Mr. Alterman was corralled into that room with the free drinks, perhaps through a series of room dividers and the like being placed surreptitiously in his way in order to force him to arrive where he did. Then, there's the matter of the "policeman". I put that in quote because I imagine he was something else entirely. Yes, quite something else.
Fly low, Brother Eric, avoid the radar, and keep on keepin' on!
Will Howard Kurtz be my friend?
Howard Kurtz of the WaPo has joined Facebook. Will he be my friend?
On my undisclosed Myspace page, I'm friends with Phil Angelides (remember him?), RawStory, and Hillary Clinton, so hopefully Howie will want to be my friend as well.
Natalie Merchant is not having a good day
Even transcendental demigoddesses like Natalie Merchant can have their off days, as this photo illustrates:
(It's not one of mine, I got it from here. I didn't get it from here.)
We're all birds today
"Am I a libertarian?" Take the fun online quiz!
Many people are concerned that they, or someone they know, might be a libertarian. While the MMPI (Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory) can be used to uncover libertarianism and other sociopathies, it takes a long time and requires expert interpretation.
Enter the World's Smallest Political Quiz!
This is an updated version of the classic that you may have taken already, and it can be used to determine whether you suffer from libertarianism, objectivism, dynamism, or other related afflictions.
Hey, that's what I drink!
I have a confession to make. I drink a lot of Diet Shasta, frequently guzzling straight out of the 3 liter bottle. Now, you can almost see one kinda explode:
I've used the bottles for various purposes, such as carrying drinking water when hiking and backpacking, and also carrying several of them filled with non-potable water on training hikes; when I get to the top of something I empty out the water. I've dropped them on rocks and such, and I've only had one of them create a spill. That was in a 99 Cents Store parking lot, and, while I didn't write anything down, I seem to recall that that was a cap-related issue.
I think it would be possible to fashion a fairly cheap way to do this that would create a very large explosion; perhaps with a time-release setup of some kind (candy coated with something else) or something that would automatically release a large number of candies all at once in the bottom of the bottle rather than simply putting them in the top by hand.
John McCain: your lettuce picking trainee is ready
Our president loading lettuce onto a truck in Guatemala at a relief facility involving the US AID.
On the audio, he says loading the lettuce was one of the top moments of his presidency and it was, "really, really fun." I'm not making that up.
UPDATE: Read it and weep (whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2007/03/20070312-4.html):
The United States and Guatemala trade a lot, especially now that Guatemala has become a full member of CAFTA-DR. President Berger and I believe that CAFTA can spread opportunity, provide jobs, and help lift people out of poverty. We saw how trade can transform the small village of Chirijuy -- part of our experience in traveling with the President was to get outside the capital. It was really, really fun -- and really heartwarming. As a matter of fact, it was one of the great experiences of my presidency. The town has grown from subsistence farming to selling high-value crops, like lettuce and carrots and celery. As a matter of fact, I got to pack some lettuce. The President and I were hauling boxes of lettuce, we were putting them in the truck.
On the audio he can't pronounce "subsistence", and he sounds even more like a five-year-old than the text might lead you to think.
I capitulate on Global Warming, just make the video stop
Want to see an unintentionally funny video of Yale students rapping against Global Warming? Check out that video and many others here: truths.treehugger.com
I am willing to elect Al Gore a secular Pope if it will make stuff like this stop.
UPDATE: I submitted the direct link to the video (truths.treehugger.com/video/convenient_truths_climate_and.php) to both Digg and Reddit, and it went nowhere. Apparently I didn't sell the "unintentionally hilarious" aspect well enough. Or, maybe it's just me, but I think it's really, really funny.
Brandon Cropper reads from "The Fountainhead" by Ayn Rand (Part 1 of 3)
[This is court-mandated libertarian coverage.]
The first part (of three!) of Brandon Cropper reading from "The Fountainhead" by Ayn Rand is here. Enjoy!
Posted at 02:22 PM | Comments (0)
Actress threatens dogs; cats celebrate!
Br'er Drudge is linking to this article about an actress apparently going a bit overboard in an antithetical-to-PETA manner.
Perhaps Reuters should edit the teaser link they're showing next to the story:
Posted at 02:54 PM | Comments (1)
Whitley Strieber on (illegal) aliens
Self-professed alien abductee Whitley Strieber apparently still hasn't completely removed his implant, because back on the 5th he (or someone else writing for his site) offered "Why Putting Up a Fence Won't Work" (via this). It doesn't probe the subject in depth, offering only a couple quotes from some unknown newspaper article.
One of those quoted is "Attorney Margaret Wong, who founded the largest immigration law firm in Ohio". Presumably she has a monetary motive in this case. And, the other person quoted is Daniel Griswold of the CATO institute.
Posted at 02:38 AM | Comments (0)
Budget for George W. Bush's $500 million presidential library
Our Leader wants to raise $500 million to build his presidential library at Southern Methodist University:
The legacy-polishing centerpiece is an institute, which several Bush insiders called the Institute for Democracy. Patterned after Stanford University's Hoover Institution, Bush's institute will hire conservative scholars and "give them money to write papers and books favorable to the President's policies," one Bush insider said.
Here's the breakdown:
* $10 million: 10 million Mexican flags (made in China).
* $30 million: Grant to fund the Institute.
* $20 million: "Keep Them On The Reservation" fund to pay off those who staff the Institute and who suddenly realize that they can't endorse Bush's policies anymore to continue to endorse his policies.
* $20 million: Emergency "Keep Them On The Reservation" fund to do whatever - whatever - is necessary to make sure that those who staff the Institute and who suddenly realize that they can't endorse Bush's policies anymore to continue to endorse his policies.
* $10 million: One million copies of "The Mexicano Political Experience in Occupied Aztlan" by Armando Navarro.
* $5 million (per year): Salary for the President of the Institute, Vicente Fox.
* $150 million: No bid contract for Halliburton.
* $15 million: 5 million copies of "My Pet Goat".
* $100 million: Various kickbacks.
In case that doesn't add up to $500 million, the remainder will be reserved for kickbacks.
Posted at 12:13 PM | Comments (5)
New site agreement for Thanksgiving
By accessing this page, site, site feed, or other in any way, shape, form, instance, case, or other, you have automatically agreed to be bound by the following:
Turkeys are sensitive animals who don't deserve to be tortured and violently killed. By signing this pledge, I refuse to support companies like Butterball that ignore animal abuse. I choose to enjoy a vegetarian Thanksgiving instead of a meal with a corpse as the centerpiece. I pledge to be compassionate by leaving turkeys off my plate.
Posted at 06:45 AM | Comments (9)
Breaking: President George H. W. Bush!
Our sources deep inside the White House have revealed to this blogger a shocking scheme: President George W. Bush will step down... only to be replaced with his father, the former president whose only distinction is being slightly less horrific and having an additional middle initial.
Under this scheme, Dick Cheney will step down in order to pursue his lifelong dream of being the CEO of a major government contractor. Then, "W." will appoint "H.W." to be the new vice president. Then, "W." himself will step down. "H.W." will become the new president, and will appoint Michael Chertoff as the new vice-president. In case the latter is not allowed (White House/RNC experts are still checking the Constitution for loopholes), they are prepared for the eventuality of Nancy Pelosi as vice-president in the spirit of bi-partisanship.
Breaking...
UPDATE: Our sources now report a fierce internecine battle, with Bush Faction 1 supporting Poppy, and Bush Faction 2 suggesting that it's now Jeb's turn to be president. A preliminary coin flip was held, but was invalidated due to (the elder) Barbara's intervention. Noelle shockingly suggested a competition to see which Bush could be the worst Bush ever, and nominated Zeke Bush/George P. Bush combo to run our country, with (the younger) Barbara going to Education and Jenna going to Defense. Developing...
Posted at 11:50 AM | Comments (0)
Bush's "Million Mexicans a Month" Plan
I believe this is a satire, but one can never tell:President Bush and Mexican President-elect Felipe Calderon pledged to work closely on border security and migration, which Bush said remains a top priority for his administration. Bush told reporters, "I assured the president-elect that comprehensive immigration reform is something I believe needs to happen."
Under the Bush plan, the U.S. will move its security perimeter to Mexico's southern border. "Mexico's southern border is much shorter than the northern one," Bush pointed out. "It will be easier to patrol to prevent unauthorized entry into both countries."
Mexico's southern border would be jointly patrolled by armed forces from the two nations. As compensation for allowing the U.S. to move its security perimeter south from the Rio Grande, Mexico will receive funds from the U.S. sufficient to support one million Mexicans. The payments will be made monthly based on a random drawing of names on the unemployment rolls. Mexicans must appear in person to collect.
Posted at 10:23 PM | Comments (0)
Shakeup: Washington Post restructures, will use "journalaros"
"Journaleros! Journaleros!" a Washington Post recruiter
looks for day laborer journalists.
Washington Post executive editor Len Downie has announced a major shake-up at his paper. Many reportarial positions are being eliminated and many changes are planned:
"We are moving reporters and editors within and among staffs to accomplish this. In particular, we are moving a number of reporters from general assignment positions to more specific assignments and beats. We also are centralizing reporting and editing of some core subjects across staff lines....
He further announced that the WaPo will begin employing "journaleros", the Spanish word for "day laborer journalists". Each day, recruiting teams from the Washington Post will fan out to journalero hangouts in front of 7-11s throughout the NoVa "boom 'burbs", recruiting immigrant workers to write stories for the paper. They'll be paid in cash, and in 2007 the WaPo plans to build dormitories for the more prolific writers. "No one will notice the difference in the slightest" Downie says.
Posted at 11:48 PM | Comments (0)
Nancy Pelosi, with flowers in her hair
From cartoonist Linda Eddy.
Posted at 05:33 PM | Comments (1)
Did you vote yet?
Because if you didn't, there are more photos where this came from. Please read my voting guide.
Posted at 11:01 AM | Comments (4)
Democrats to announce "Three Point Pledge With America"
During a live TV broadcast Monday evening, Hillary Clinton, Cindy Sheehan, Michael Moore, and Harry Reid will be announcing the Democratic Party's new "Three Point Pledge With America":
Point 1: Every week, a new gay congressman or pastor will be out'ed! Working closely with all the major supermarket tabloids, the Democrats will make sure that America gets the truth, the whole truth, and all the juicy details!
Point 2: To save money, the Democrats will outsource legislative decisions to Mexican lawmakers. There are still some laws that Americans won't write, and the Democrats are going to fix that.
Point 3: Nancy Pelosi for President.
Posted at 12:30 PM | Comments (1)
How many silver dollars would it take? (Nancy Pelosi, Dianne Feinstein picture)
Their caption: SAN FRANCISCO / Dawn of shiny new life for Old Mint / Feinstein, Pelosi preside over ceremonial minting of coins to fund its reincarnation
Sen. Dianne Feinstein and Rep. Nancy Pelosi each struck a commemorative silver dollar and told a bit of the Old Mint's rich history. Chronicle photo by Michael Macor
Your caption will no doubt be different. There are other Nancy pics here.
Posted at 01:15 PM | Comments (1)
Democrats offer Tan Nguyen letter of their own [satire]
The latest from the Tan Nguyen campaign is that he says the infamous letter was mistranslated from English to Spanish; a copy of the stated original version is here.
In response, the Democrats have come up with their own version of the letter that they're demanding be sent to all Democratic voters in California:
---------------------------------------
Dear voter:
You are receiving this letter because you recently registered to vote. If you are a citizen of the U.S. we encourage you to participate in the democratic process.
However, if you are here illegally or are just a resident with a green card, you should be advised that voting in any Federal Election is a crime and may result in imprisonment, and WILL result in deportation.
Also, do NOT register your pets. There's almost zero chance that voting on behalf of "Fluffy" will get you into trouble, but just do not DO IT. Also, if you have multiple personality disorder, DO not register each of your personalities. For all you know, they might vote for non-Democrats!
And, DO not register space aliens, fictional characters, dead people, names you just made up, words you saw on billboards, or anagrams of any of the preceding. They check these registrations closely (except on Wednesdays), so be very careful. Once again: you might get caught. There's almost zero chance of anything bad happening to you, but you never know. If you're the one in a billion people that they prosecute for supporting our cherished causes, it could happen. It just has almost zero probability of happening.
Signed,
/sig/
The Mexican Consul General of La Habra
/sig/
Dr. Gov. Howard Dean M.D.
---------------------------------------
Posted at 09:05 PM | Comments (0)
Kafka-Wiener race down to wire
From this:
Lydia Wiener is running under the Republican ticket for the job of state representative, 8th Norfolk District. When asked what drove her to make this choice Wiener says it all began with the vote on immigration by current incumbent state Rep. Louis Kafka, D-Stoughton.
Could you please make your own joke in comments? Feel free to insert as many literary allusions as possible, since someone from the GOP or the Democratic Party or even the MSM might accidentally stumble across this blog and I want them to think this is a classy site. Thanks.
Posted at 07:59 AM | Comments (4)
My writing faced the SAT challenge (and lost)
In some sort of massive linkbaiting scheme, "scienceblogs.com" asked bloggers to enter SAT essays similar to those now written by college students. They were then graded by a team of "experts". My entry (which you're encouraged to vote on) has won especial reknown. The average score was around 3, with some as high as 6. Mine got a 1:
Of course, I don't know whether it received that low score because of the fact that it's a satire and they didn't get it, or because they did get it and, being satire "experts" as well, they didn't appreciate its sheer brilliance:
I completely disagree. He who dies with the most toys wins, as the license plate frames say on all those toy haulers that I see. Never let it be forgotten that Booker T. Washington lived in a different time and a different place. I'm not entirely sure of when or where that was, but I am also equally sure that it was not now and here.
With all due respect to Mr. Washington, he could not invision the microwave oven or plasma televisions or power boats or any of our other modern accoutrements.
Furthermore, I find this question and the desired response extremely negative and quite possibly this is an attempt by the people behind the SAT to accustom their young charges to failure. What are we doing, raising a country of people accustomed to failure, and prepared to consider it commendable not to succeed?
Why is the SAT trying to prepare students to fail? Should they not encourage them to succeed, and make them painfully aware of all penalties for failure? This essay should instead offer intense opprobrium to all those who think failure is an option. We must go for the gusto, and we must encourage the same in the youth.
Posted at 11:05 AM | Comments (2)
"[Nancy] Pelosi and [Barney] Frank: Voices of Reason"
That is the actual title of a post at a blog run by a famous person.
Your goal - during a brief pause in your laughter - is to figure out whose blog it is.
Could it be Alec Baldwin at the HuffPost?
How about Sheldon Drobny at the same site?
Could it be John Conyers?
What about the Daily Kos himself?
Maybe Cindy Sheehan guest-posting for AmericaBlog guest-posting for Crooks and Liars at Raw Story?
Posted at 02:55 AM | Comments (0)
Democrats: Discuss Tuesday's "Path to 9/11" showing here
As a service to my Democratic, liberal, and Communist readers, on Tuesday I'll be live-blogging ABC's "Path to 9/11". So, be sure and mark Tuesday on your calendar and on that day visit this page and leave your thoughts live as they broadcast their docudrama and as we watch it together.
Posted at 04:57 PM | Comments (1)
Help Katie Couric write her signature sign-off line!
Perky little Katie Communist, aka Katie Couric, wants the input of all the little people on how she should sign off her show:Walter Cronkite had the most famous nightly farewell, "And that's the way it is." Edward R. Murrow used, "Good night and good luck."Continuing the informal, folksly, nauseating tone, they say "What should Katie Couric's sign-off be? Be a news writer and send us your bright ideas."
Well, it's a new era here at The CBS Evening News with Katie Couric and Katie thinks maybe you folks on the other side of the screen might have some good ideas for what her own sign-off should be.
Not having anything particularly funny to say, I nevertheless typed these in:
* While I'm on "leave", Howard Dean will be filling in for me.
* I'm perky, and you aren't.
* I'm in charge now.
* I can't believe Walter Duranty was their first choice.
Some other ideas are presented here.
Posted at 08:39 PM | Comments (1)
New liberal group blog needs contributors
Welcome American dogs! My friend Mahmoud is looking for obscene American liberal peoples to contribute to his new blog: ahmadinejad.ir Will you not contribute?
WARNING: Before going to that link, read this.
UPDATE: I strapped on the ball tightener, drank a gallon of Zinfandel laced with a couple Viicodins, reviewed the work of Dean Wheeler, and took other steps that allow me to think just like a liberal. Then, I watched the Mike Wallace 60 Minutes interview with Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and... well... I'm sold! Is there anything he said that doesn't deserve our full attention? Why, he even cares about our "oppressed" people and the fact that 45 million residents don't have health care! Is there any way that he could be encouraged to seek the Democratic Party's nomination for president... of the U.S.?!?!
Posted at 01:33 PM | Comments (0)
"Wikipedia Celebrates 750 Years Of American Independence"
From this fine news source:Wikipedia, the online, reader-edited encyclopedia, honored the 750th anniversary of American independence on July 25 with a special featured section on its main page Tuesday...On a serious note: Wikipedia's continual low credibility
..."On July 25, 1256, delegates gathered at Comerica Park to sign the Declaration Of Independence, which rejected the rule of the British over its 15 coastal North American colonies," reads an excerpt from [Wikipedia's] entry. "Little did such founding fathers as George Washington, George Jefferson, and ***ERIC IS A FAG*** know that their small, querulous republic would later become the most powerful and prosperous nation in history, the Unified States Of America."
"All our lives, we are taught about the achievements of Washington, Jefferson, and FAG, but we seldom consider the factors and conditions that led them to risk everything for a republican cause," [WP founder Jimmy] Wales said. "What was it really like to be a patriot in those times? How did the colonists' perception of democracy conform and contrast with our modern one? Did Betsy Ross, as legend has it, really have the biggest boobies in the New World? It's these types of questions I want Wikipedia to be a forum for, all at the click of a mouse."
Posted at 11:33 AM | Comments (0)
Howard Dean: "George Bush is worse than Kanz'qaep!"
Earlier today, Howard Dean spoke to a group of third-graders from Miss Berry's class at Sequoia Elementary in Berkeley and compared president George Bush to Kanz'qaep. "My past cases of childish name calling have included comparing Katherine Harris to Stalin. Once you do something like that, you can't just compare Bush to even Hitler or Genghis Khan or Pol Pot," Chairman Dean explained. "That would be in effect almost putting him on the same level as someone like Katherine Harris, and we know he's much worse."
Continuing, Gov. Dr. Howard Dean M.D. explained, "That's why I'm now comparing president Bush to Kanz'qaep, the infamous 'Planet Wrecker' from 100,000 light years in the past whose magnetic weapons destroyed an entire solar system in the Andromeda galaxy."
No astronomers that we contacted - even including Dr. Steve Quayle, Dr. Whitley Streiber, Dr. Johnson Jameson, and Dr. John Lear - had ever heard of "Kanz'qaep" or his "magnetic weapons", but Chairman Dean insists that he existed at one point in time in a certain time-space continuum.
Posted at 11:05 PM | Comments (0)
Flex Your Power, California!
I've compiled a video containing energy saving tips to help citizens and residents avoid California's energy crunch. I compiled these tips from FYPower.org, other California government web sites, and other web sites. Follow these tips to make sure you're saving energy. Any state client can follow these tips. State energy providers and other providers can promulgate these tips to help their target populations conserve energy. (Note: none of these tips are endorsed by any governmental officials or agencies and are presented as personal opinion only. Consult with your physician, care giver, primary care provider, lawyer, accountant, and other professionals before basing any decisions on these tips.)
Posted at 10:33 AM | Comments (2)
"Walang tiwala na sa mga congressman"
From this:
Ang baba na talaga ng tingin ng taumbayan sa nga kongresista. Ito ang dating ng pahayag ng Catholic Bishops Conference of the Philippines (CBCP) sa kanilang posisyon sa impeachment...
Indeed.
Posted at 11:04 PM | Comments (0)
MoveOn: "Grand Oil Party" bumper stickers
MoveOn is proud to announce that they're distributing bumper stickers saying "Grand Oil Party" (get it?) And, it's been a wonderful success: they've already distributed 70,000 of them. Of course, that success is measured in "liberal" terms: they're giving them away for free.
You do only get one for free, you have to pay for more than one. But, every free sticker you "order" represents one or two fewer dollars that people like George Soros will have to spend on, say, Al Franken's senate run.
So, do your bit and get your free sticker here.
Posted at 11:08 AM | Comments (1)
Reid, Durbin concede in Mexican elections; Villaraigosa now mayor; Cedillo, Nunez reelected
MEXICO CITY (AP) - Hard fought races to become actual Mexican Senators ended in defeat earlier today for Sens. Harry Reid (D-NV) and Dick Durbin (D-IL). They had been on the ballot in Guerrero and Oaxaca, respectively.
Because of U.S. rules and regulations, they are allowed to run for office in foreign countries. While Mexican rules prohibit anyone who is not a native citizen from running for anything above dog catcher, Reid and Durbin apparently believed that if they could just get a foothold they could give Mexico as much help avoiding enforcing its laws as they have given to their current employers.
"Despite this loss, I am still a Mexican Senator in my heart," a disconsolate Reid noted from his palatial compound outside Searchlight, Nevada. During his concessions speech, Dick Durbin received thunderous applause when he stated, "I might have lost this race, but I will continue to act like a Mexican agent!"
In other election news, Antonio Villaraigosa was elected alcalde de Los Angeles, and Assembly Speaker Fabian Nunez and (CA) Senator Gil Cedillo were elected to continue to represent Mexican interests in Alta California.
Posted at 07:37 PM | Comments (1)
Gandhi, the Dalai Lama, and Lonewacko
Remember the political compass online quiz? I just took that again and, despite my best efforts, I'm still in the same quadrant I was when I took the test a few years ago, the same quadrant into which they place Gandhi and the Dalai Lama. Despite my "leftie-libertarianism" being much closer to the center than either of them, I still wish all blogdom peace.
Posted at 11:44 PM | Comments (0)
Fat suit + Empire State Building = fun!
From this:...Though he is thin, athletic and bald, [Jeb Ray Corliss IV of Malibu] was dressed in a so-called "fat suit," like that used by actors, and a one-piece wig and mask.Yes, that's right, he was trying to BASE jump off the ESB.
...Crammed into one of the Art Deco building's elevators with tourists, Corliss rode to the 86th floor and there slipped into the bathroom, police said.
He tossed the fat suit, police said, and secured his black parachute, knee pads and helmet -- equipped with a digital recorder and a wide-angle lens.
Then, he headed straight for the observation deck, 1,050 feet above the street.
Posted at 12:17 AM | Comments (4)
Breast implants might explode on space tourist flights
Breaking news:LONDON, March 29 (UPI) -- Of the 157 people who have paid Virgin Galactic $200,000 for a brief space flight in 2008, those with breast implants may find themselves flat out of luck.
Company spokesman Will Whitehorn told The Sun safety concerns have come to light for those who want to be launched in groups of eight to an altitude of more than 60 miles for 7 minutes of weightlessness.
"We've discovered there may well be issues with breast augmentation," he said. "We're not sure whether they could stand the trip -- they could well explode."
Posted at 10:53 AM | Comments (2)
Which Bush will be America's next Bush?
Please, take the poll:
Posted at 10:11 PM | Comments (0)
The Court rests
Posted at 08:28 PM | Comments (2)
Bush administration flees to Afghanistan
Stressing the need to "make a clean break" and "start over", the entire Bush administration has left the United States and reestablished themselves in Afghanistan, Reuters reports. Presidential brother Jeb has been appointed the new Potentate of Waziristan, and various other members of Team Bush have been appointed to various government sinecures.
Later today, Bush is expected to announce his first round of proclamations, and will comment on the "good-hearted" immigrants from Indonesia who are currently entering his new country illegally.
Posted at 12:33 AM | Comments (0)
FBI discovers $2.2 million in stolen loot in Lagos, Nigeria
Dear esteemed reader:
The daily dispatches have gleefully reported the bright news that the United States FBI has recovered $2.2 million in stolen loot obtained through the provenances of Internet fraud. in Lagos, Nigeria. That sum is Three Hundred and Nineteen Million Nigerian Dollars (N$319).
The FBI, however, has trouble finding out who this money belongs to due to the scurilous nature of the transactions involved. Therefore, I ask you, the reader, for your help to disburse this money. We are informed that they need a victim to step forward as having been the person from whom these goods were obtained.
etc. etc.
Yours,
Mobutu Sese Sese
Posted at 04:30 AM | Comments (0)
Goodbye, Year of the Cock
It was a mixed year, starting with the secret thrill I obtained from going to Chinatown and verifying with a couple of not-entirely-fluent English speakers that we were indeed in the Year of the Cock. But, it's now a whole new animal:In Chinese astrology, the dog is the most likable, honest and straightforward of all animals. Its influence is expected to bring a year of justice and harmony.
Each year of the Chinese 12-year zodiac is dominated by an animal. And each year also comes under the influence of one of the five elements - fire, water, wind, earth and wood. This year is a fire year...
Posted at 01:39 PM | Comments (0)
Wacky in Waco: lawyer allegedly kidnaps client over fees
A Waco, Texas lawyer allegedly kidnapped a former client who failed to show up in court after she had posted bond. She and three friends allegedly abducted him on his wedding day, handcuffed him, and drove him around while he called friends trying to get the $5000 he owed. Now, the lawyer is charged with kidnapping.
(N.B.: Most lawyers compensate for not being that dumb by being more evil.)
Posted at 10:29 PM | Comments (0)
"Dirty" Harry Reid urges Earthlings to accept new masters
Former U.S. Senator Harry Reid, new spokesman for the Alpha Centaurians, speaks to reporters while one of that civilization's 'War Birds' hovers over his head. Reid urged Earthlings not to be speciesists and to cooperate with the Centaurians' plans for the planet.
Posted at 11:20 AM | Comments (0)
ABC News names Steve Ballmer Best Dancer of Year
ABC News has selected one of the most evil persons in the world and his wife, Bill and Melinda Gates, as their Person of the Year for 2005.
This year's competition was only open to evil high-tech executives, and runners-up included Larry Ellison ("Absolute Craziest Billionaire"), Scott McNealy ("Scariest Hundreds-of-Millionsaire"), and Steve Ballmer ("Best Dancer").
Ballmer, shown left, expresses his gratitude for the award.
Posted at 07:46 PM | Comments (0)
A psychological test
I'd like you to read the following passage, pretending it's a voice over, and that this passage segues into a different scene. And, I'd like you to tell me what music you think would follow this passage. That is, what music would you hear after the segue:TOKYO - The walking, childlike robot from Honda Motor Co. can now serve tea, push a mail cart and gallop along at twice its previous pace — the latest in the Japanese automaker's quest to replicate human movement.Maybe it's just me, but all I heard at that point was the saxophonic bleats of bad 70s pr0n music.
The 51-inch talk, bubble-headed robot named Asimo has already shown it can jog, walk up stairs, wave, avoid obstacles and carry on simple conversations. But in a demonstration Monday at Honda's Tokyo head office, a new version of the robot showed off new skills its maker hopes will make the robot more handy around the office...
Posted at 09:29 PM | Comments (1)
Banana Boy behind bars!
Banana Boy was arrested on Thursday in Hudson Falls' downtown area. Chris, his brother Jonathan Phelps, and his friend Luke Van Scoy were staging a skit: "Banana Boy Arrested After Faux Fight". According to the Post-Star of Glens Falls, the BB was dressed in his costume all the while. Despite that - or perhaps because of it - the police even drew their guns when they saw the fake fracas, not realizing it was just for The Ravacon on WNCE:
"I said, 'Oh my God, don't shoot the banana,'" said Steven Wilson, who was watching the skit being filmed when Lovelace came upon the scene with his gun drawn. "It was the funniest thing I've ever seen."
According to WNCE co-owner Jesse Jackson (no relation to the Reverend), he's going to have a talk with the BB about this. He also called them "very talented". And:
"I've been in TV for a lot of years and I've never seen anything like them".
That's for sure!
Posted at 03:51 AM | Comments (0)
"Farm trespasser sentenced"
Just for fun, and in order to not give anyone the wrong idea about this site, I've replaced "farm" with "carnival", "horse" with "puppy", and you-know-what with "eat cotton candy" in the following story.A truck driver pleaded guilty Tuesday to trespassing at an Enumclaw [carnival] where police say his friend died after [eating cotton candy] with a [puppy].
...Police say Tait, 54, was videotaping his friend [having cotton candy] with a [puppy] in July when his friend suffered fatal injuries.
Tait told police that he, the Seattle man who died and another man often sneaked onto his neighbor's [carnival] in the night to engage in animal [eating cotton candy], according to court documents.
Posted at 07:50 AM | Comments (1)
Lawyers, machine guns, and money
The only thing worse than a lawyer is an armed lawyer, and the NYT reports that the latest fashionable craze among wealthy Manhattan professionals is to hit the gun range.
Michael Kim, a partner of the law firm Kobre & Kim LLP says:
"We do very aggressive litigation and trial work... So we prefer an activity that dovetails nicely with that aggressive culture, and hitting a little white ball on the greens doesn't do much for us."
Chip Brian, president of Comtex News Network Inc., says:
"At the end of the day, it's all about getting to know your clients better... and a shooting trip is one of the most unique ways to do that... There's a huge difference in taking clients out to dinner, with nice music playing in the background, as opposed to taking them to a sporting event, which is much more exciting... A shooting trip takes that to the next level - it really makes a lasting impression."
Posted at 03:09 PM | Comments (2)
Nifty online church sign generator
TalkLeft posts this picture (nofollowpolicy in effect), apparently not reading the small print on the top of the sign, which says churchsigngenerator.com. That leads me to believe that that's not a real church sign, but was in fact created using that online program.
To help TL out, I created my own sign:
HTH.
Posted at 12:06 AM | Comments (4)
Mayor Mike Bloomberg goes country
Posted at 09:27 PM | Comments (1)
Left-handed iPods now all the rage
From the WaPo:
Apple Computer Inc. took 20 days to reach 1 million downloads of video files from its online store; the Web site SuicideGirls, offering free videos of unclothed models, hit the mark in about a week.
Sadly, I see that not only has Forbes and thousands of others come up with the obvious pun, so has Steve Jobs. Even iPr0n has been used many times before.
Posted at 12:53 PM | Comments (0)
24 tonnes of illegal cheese seized
Twenty-four tonnes of contraband cheese smuggled from Nicaragua into El Salvador has been seized by police, according to reports.
Posted at 07:41 AM | Comments (3)
Today's scary Sean Hannity picture
Sure, Kim Kommando is a real kutie, but what's she doing with Bill Handel (KFI-AM), Sean Hannity (RNC-FM), and Matt Drudge (cyberspace)?
Posted at 03:11 PM | Comments (1)
Carolina Panthers cheerleaders arrested for having sex in Tampa bathroom
[Important updates below]
Yes, you might have seen that in one of "those" movies, but Carolina Panthers cheerleaders Renee Thomas and Angela Kaethley appear to have actually put those silver-screen lessons to the test. In fact, those waiting in line noticed the reason for the holdup was that the two girls were going at it in a stall. They were also reportedly very drunk. And, Thomas gave the name and ID of another member of the squad, so she might face charges for that.
Sexy-albeit-large-honkered Angela Keathley is a sexy, sexy registered nurse. Her favorite quote? "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away."
And, when not getting down in bar bathrooms, Renee is trying to - believe it or don't - obtain a doctorate degree in dental surgery. She also likes dancing, motocross, and NASCAR. And, the "Most Important Thing In Life" is: "Live every moment to the fullest and love like you'll never be hurt."
(Those are from their official bios, but the Panthers appear to have taken that whole section down.)
UPDATE: The Panthers have put the page back up - and thrown Renee and Angela down the Memory Hole! It's like they never existed. Except, TSG had the foresight to save off their bios from which I got the above quotes.
UPDATE 2: Sign the petition asking the Panthers to keep Renee and Angela on the team, and tell your friends to sign it too!
UPDATE 3: Unfortunately, the petition isn't getting the support these fine ladies deserve. Please tell your friends and ask them to sign. Support Cheerleader Rights! And, the PantherFanz weigh in with an editorial. Penthouse is, as could be expected, trying to cash in.
Posted at 10:21 PM | Comments (5)
The girl at Carl's Jr. really, really, really likes me
Once, after a looong hike - from 7am or so until 7pm or so and involving a little postholing near the top of Condor Peak, a fair portion of the trip being due to team members even slower than me and resulting in waiting around in the gloom - I swear I gave the gal at Der Wienerschnitzel in La Crescenta a ten or so and I got back fifteen in change or something like that. I didn't notice it at the time, but I ended up coming back with more money than when I left. Honest Abe that I am, I went back there or something but they didn't know anything about it and I wasn't about to shove money on someone who wasn't docked for it.
And, would you know it, I hit the jackpot... again! I recently went to a Carl's Jr. and ordered six 50 cent tacos and a 99 cent burger. In other words, lots and lots of possibly BSE- and/or offal-stuffed ground beef for just over $4.
I was given a large, heavy bag back, but I didn't bother looking in it. I assumed they put the tacos in a big styrofoam box. I was a bit curious about the french fries smell emanating from the mystery bag, but I thought it might be the tacos.
Boy was I surprised when I found out I'd scored the following:
- two large boxes of chicken strips
- a double-decker burger
- no less than three orders of extra-large fries
I guess that's at least $12 worth of fat-soaked junk, if not a few dollars more. I called and the lady who'd given me the giant mystery bag had left for the day and the one I spoke to didn't know anything about this. I would have thought it would have been the talk of the joint.
Of course, none of this makes up for the mistakes other fast food outfits have made, and yes I'm keeping score.
Posted at 03:30 AM | Comments (0)
Al Gore has a blog
Here's the official blog for President Al Gore.
It doesn't appear to be written by a staffer:
Burritos woke me up. Damn. But the time was 12:34am. Cool, 1234! Tried to wake Tipper up to show her. By the time she finally woke up it was 12:35. Damn. Now I have to wait until 1:23am. If I don't show her by 4:56am, 5:67am won't work because there's no 67 minutes. Why isn't time metric?
Posted at 06:21 PM | Comments (0)
CORRECTION: Cute little Japanese sexrobot
CORRECTION: Earlier I had a post here in which I said that Japanese scientists had invented a new sexrobot that would do anything you want. I discussed how this is a frequent theme in Japanese culture, which can get quite disgusting at times. And, I said that the control helmet lets someone remote control the robot and make it turn left or right - and do many other things - even if the robot has other ideas. That post was in error.
In fact, a new translation reveals that the lady above is actually Associated Press business writer Yuri Kageyama. She's testing out this new helmet, which has no naughty uses whatsoever. In fact, they expect it to be used for games, the second-most popular Japanese obsession behind perversion.
This process is actually called "galvanic vestibular stimulation", and not mangasexcontrol like I said earlier.
Nippon Telegraph & Telephone Corp., Japans top telephone company, says it is developing the technology to perhaps make video games more realistic. But more sinister applications also come to mind.I apologize for the error.
I can envision it being added to militaries' arsenals of so-called "non-lethal" weapons.
A special headset was placed on my cranium by my hosts during a recent demonstration at an NTT research center. It sent a very low voltage electric current from the back of my ears through my head — either from left to right or right to left, depending on which way the joystick on a remote-control was moved.
I found the experience unnerving and exhausting: I sought to step straight ahead but kept careening from side to side. Those alternating currents literally threw me off.
Posted at 03:20 AM | Comments (0)
What USA Today wanted to do to Condi Rice's picture
This was what they planned for the web version of their article:
Posted at 12:29 PM | Comments (1)
Introducing... Grob!
Michael Chumley, pictured above, illustrates a new insect species that he's named "Grobs". These beasts, fearsome and disgusting though they may look, are currently being investigated as a major food source. They're high in protein and vitamins and they eat just about anything, including waste products. Don't worry though: you won't eat them whole. They'll be ground up and used as a filler product in hamburgers, hot dogs, and various other processed and extruded food products. Chumley is currently arranging with various U.S. fast food outlets for a 2006 "crawlout" throughout the nation.
Posted at 06:45 AM | Comments (0)
New Democratic Party slogans
"Give us a chance, OK?"
"Socialism doesn't necessarily imply Communism, you know. Please, read this pamphlet."
"Only a few of our members want to reclaim Mexico's Lost Territories for that country. Most of us don't have a position on that yet."
"Vote Democratic to Stop War and End Racism"
"The People's Struggle against the Hegemonic Oppressors will not be Thwarted! All Hail Chairman Howard Dean!"
"We don't have economic power because we don't own the means of production" (actual speech from Fabian Nunez, speaker of the CA Assembly. He said that at a protest featuring an American flag with just 13 Stars. The Mexican Army Band lead the parade. Nunez is - naturally - a Democrat.)
"California is going to be a Mexican state, we are going to control all the institutions. If people don't like it they should leave." (From Mario Obledo, co-founder of MALDEF and... a Democrat. Here's more about racist liberals.)
Posted at 12:29 PM | Comments (0)
WalMart has 103 products about Wicca?
What happened to the Five and Dime? Rootbeer floats and penny candy? Today's WalMart is not yesterday's Woolworth's! Now, you're just as likely to find books about... Wicca!
As this article points out, "Along with the Barbie dolls and Tonka Toys, 100 items for Wicca can be found at Wal-Mart."
Actually, when I went there and searched it said they had 103 items. Just 103? On the other hand, Amazon has over 3500 books about the subject:
Posted at 10:26 PM | Comments (1)
South Korea girl group 'Lady' has secret
The South Korea pop sensation 'Lady' is rocking Asia with their megahit debut album 'Attention' which is (literally) "flying off the shelves" from Bangkok to Pattaya to Hong Kong to Japan to Taiwan, the Independent reports. At first glance these pop sirens might appear to be your average girl group: they like "chocolate, shopping, and gossip".
But, let's look into Yoona, Sine (aka Shinae), Sahara and Binu (pictured above) in a bit more depth. Is there something they're trying to hide? Not at all! In fact they plan a so-called "nude album". Phwaor!
But, they do have a secret: they're a manufactured group. In fact, almost 400 other hopefuls turned out for the auditions to "make the band".
Oh, and they're also all former guys who've had their wangers chopped off.
UPDATE: Here's their video:
Posted at 02:17 PM | Comments (2)
Judy Miller or Arianna Huffington: who'd be the better hiker?
I haven't been following PlameGate, but I do know that there are two sexy ladies in this picture:
The circumstances of this photo are described here, but since I'm an avid hiker I obviously have other questions.
For instance, what was the distance and gain of their hike? I guess Aspen is around 8000' in elevation. That's basically nothing altitude-wise, but some people can get sick that low or a little higher. Did Arianna and Judy hit 10k? Based on their outfits, I doubt if they tried for a 14er. Did they get into any rock work? Some aid climbing? How about some 4th class?
And, if you were a hiking guide, employed to guide the world's elite up hill and down dale, what would you do in this case? Would you try to give Arianna some private hiking lessons, or would you reserve your attention for Judy?
Posted at 11:30 PM | Comments (0)
Arianna, Al Gore vindicated! Priuses recalled due to defect
Remember how the sexy Greek siren was caught attending the Sierra Club's summit meeting in a massive Chevy Suburban? Well, now it can be revealed! Arianna was originally intending to take her Prius to the event, but one day she was tinkering under the hood of her favorite Prius (the purple one), and she downloaded the software to her iBook and decided to hack around with it. She was shocked to discover a devastating software bug that could cause the cars to stall. Immediately picking up her stylish phone, she called Toyota to inform them of this. And, it worked! Now, Toyota is recalling tens of thousands of their vehicles. Is there anything America's favorite pundit cannot do?
Posted at 08:08 AM | Comments (1)
Dolphins spotted in Lake Pontchartrain; DO NOT APPROACH!
Breaking: "Eight dolphins seen in Lake Pontchartrain".
Our sources indicate that these might be the killer dolphins that were set loose by the storm. We warn you: DO NOT APPROACH! These creatures may in fact be loaded.
Posted at 08:49 PM | Comments (1)
Schtroumpfland suffers vicious attack
... and it's about damn fucking time.
Posted at 04:49 AM | Comments (0)
Larry Ellison to build "castle bigger than a hundred Versailles"
Earlier today, Oracle CEO Larry "Lawrence" Ellison announced his latest plans. He intends to build a "mega-castle" that would span several of his Malibu properties. If there are intervening properties, he intends to build gigantic walkways over them; in some cases he will build monorails. His new residence will be up to 10 stories tall, blocking the sun on portions of one of Barbra Streisand's estates. "It'll be bigger than the friggin' MGM Grand" a jubilant Ellison told a reporter.
This latest move from Sir Ellison (Moldova) follows the news that the founder of PeopleSoft wants to build a 72,000-square-foot, three-story hamlet in Alamo, CA. That's in the East Bay near Mount Diablo:
Alamo resident Bruce Smith, whose family previously owned the 8,000-square-foot home that Duffield hopes to demolish to make room for his new house, said the land was never intended for a residence that will dwarf the 60,645-square-foot Hearst Castle and the 55,000-square-foot White House.
Previously: "Terrifying Larry Ellison plot revealed".
Posted at 10:34 PM | Comments (0)
The Nerd-"Liberal" intersection
Those wacky DUmmies, creating a thread entitled "Your pick of Star Trek characters for POTUS and cabinet?"
Even we non-DUmmies can play the game. And, it's open to all characters from all shows. I'm picking Odo as President, just because I can. Worf - of course - will be Secretary of War. Felix (or whatever the guy's name was) I will appoint as Ambassador to Neptune. Then, just as I wanted to every time I saw him on the screen, I will eject him into space so he can get to work. Man, he was annoying. I'm selecting Linda Park for some job or another, I'll figure out something for her to do. Jeri Ryan and Jolene Blalock will share duties as co-Secretaries of Twinnage. And, I'm selecting B'Elanna Torrez as Secretary... of my Heart.
Enter your choices in the comments.
Posted at 03:42 AM | Comments (0)
Tuesday is Bring Your Guns To Work Day
Bring Your Guns To Work Day is this Tuesday. All Americans are encouraged to bring their guns, ammo, munitions, and other forms of weapons to their workplace and show them off. Floridians, unfortunately, will have to show their guns to their co-workers in the parking lot, as they law allowing this in that state hasn't been passed yet.
(I had the idea of creating a site or video or something about this Day over a decade ago. I see now that there are about 500 sites mentioning my play on words. However, a review of Usenet shows no such entries before 2004, leading me to believe that, yes, I did think this up before anyone else.)
Posted at 05:16 PM | Comments (0)
Terorists making fun of Dear Leader!
Few people prank whole countries, especially those with nuclear capabilities. However, I believe that someone using the name "J. Nelson Kwango" and claiming to be from the country of Cameroon has pulled a prank on our comrades and friends from North Korea. From the message boards of their Korean Friendship Association site (yes, that's really North Korea's site), comes this:
Subject: Terorists makng fun of DPRK and Dear Leader!No one appears to catch on, but near the end the real commies step in and shut down the thread. Don't want to give the film undue publicity and all.
Comrades!
I am terrored! A film has just arrived on the markets of Cameroon, this film the American Police Team [he means Team America - World Police (Special Collector's Widescreen Edition)-- LW] or some name that is similar. My nephew, purchased this and asked me to watch because he said is had something to do with DPRK. The shock I see! The general, beloved general, Kim Jong Il is a puppet character in this film and speaking the most offending things! He swears in English, kills his interpreter, and turns into a small insect at the end. They make the Dear Leader to be evil man, and lonely man. They find risible the undying love of the Korean people? They think the leadership of DPRK and the revolution is a joke? Forgive me for saying but makers of this film are bastard people! I denounce them and curse them! Bastard people!
Can we not complain to someone about such slander? Why has not the KCNA denounced this piece of capitalist propaganda? To think that they make light of the general and debase his greatness!
Angered
J Nelson
Posted at 04:18 AM | Comments (0)
This site supports Primate Rights
I would like to affirm this site's Commitment to Primate Rights. I have not only joined PETA, I am also an honorary member of the Orangutan Movement.As I did before, I welcome you to come to California! However, I would also like to point out that our weather here is not like a jungle:
The first instance [of tool use by our large cousins] was observed last October when a female gorilla (nicknamed Leah by scientists) attempted to wade through a pool of water created by elephants, but found herself waist deep after only a few steps. Climbing out of the pool, she retrieved a branch from a dead tree and used the stick to test the depth of the water.You embak'was (yes, I do know a few words of your language, thank you) are certainly doing quite well for yourself! However, I really don't think the weather and the natural environment here would be much to your liking. I'm just thinking of you, that's all.
In November, a second female gorilla (named Efi) used a detached tree trunk to support herself with one hand while digging for herbs with the other hand. She also used the tree trunk as a bridge to cross a muddy patch of ground...
Posted at 02:29 AM | Comments (0)
Danish Air Force pays Santa Claus after killing Rudolf
Wacky but true news, as the Air Force of Denmark has paid off a part-time Santa (not the real one, he doesn't exist) for a jet flyover that scared his reindeer to death. Sadly, the victim was Rudolph; Donner and Blitzen were under a nurse's care for a while but have now fully recovered.
Spokesman Capt. Morten Jensen says:
"We got a letter from Santa complaining about his reindeer's death and looked into it seriously."
Apparently some countries have more time than others; if this had happened in Germany they would have just thrown him on the pile. In France, well, never mind.
The Air Force reviewed their records, and decided in favor of St. Nick, paying him $5000 in compensation.
Posted at 06:47 PM | Comments (0)
Puerto Rico: city building UFO landing strip
The Puerto Rican city of Lajas wants to build a landing strip... for UFOs! The mayor of that town insists it will be for tourist dollars, and that no city money will be spent on the project, he's just helping it along.A bright green sign along a lonely country road in southwestern Puerto Rico proudly displays a silhouette of a flying saucer and two words: "Extraterrestrial Route."(Lonewacko notes: 80 feet? Many ET craft require at least a couple miles for a full landing; not all are VTOL as you might have seen in the movies.)
Most Puerto Ricans laughed when a horse farmer installed the sign on his property at the request of Reynaldo Rios, a local elementary school teacher who says he's been communicating with alien visitors to this U.S. territory since he was a child...
Rios, who leads a group called "UFO International" that holds nighttime vigils to search for signs of alien life, lets Negron worry about details like investment costs and permits while he envisions the design. The landing strip would be 80-feet (24-meters) long and have pyramids as control towers because aliens are attracted to the shape.
The mayor hopes that UFO enthusiasts will flock to Lajas as they have to Roswell, New Mexico, the site of a supposed UFO crash in the 1940s. Hundreds of visitors have come to check out the Extraterrestrial Route since the sign went up, Irizarry said...
...But it's a little-known aerostat off the Extraterrestrial Route that inspires UFO lore in Lajas. The U.S. military uses the aerostat, a tethered blimp with a radar system, to detect low-flying drug smuggling planes.
But many Lajans don't believe that. Even Irizarry has suggested that the aerostat's true purpose is to detect UFOs.
A paved road leading to the blimp curves out of sight between two hills. Two signs warn against trespassing. Rios claims he was once briefly detained while trying to see the aerostat...
Posted at 10:57 PM | Comments (1)
Babs blasts border watchers!
Reliable sources indicate that Barbra Streisand recently flew into a rage:
"Those Minutemen are EVIL! How dare they march around on the border and cause the supply of gardeners, maids and nannys my friends and I use to dry up... If we don't do something about it, before you know it we will have to pay someone a decent living wage for these services, and I cringe to think about how that would dip into my investment portfolio."
It's true! I read it here.
Posted at 08:41 PM | Comments (0)
Ronald McDonald has gender realignment surgery
The Japanese version of Ronald McDonald is now a sexy female, Media Guardian reports:
...In the Japanese TV commercial the foxy female version, with shoulder-length straight auburn hair in place of Ronald's frizzy mop, smoulders at the camera in a flowing yellow dress, and later a red and white striped bikini with thigh-length leggings and red high heels...
"We devised the costume and took the red and white stripes and the yellow, which were recognised and converted them into a stylish dress," [perpetrator Hidekazu Sato, known by his nickname Kazoo (?)] said via a translator.
"We were assuming that even if we didn't include the McDonald's logo and even if the model was a beautiful caucasian just those colours of the mnemonic design would wake up people's association with McDonald's."
Posted at 05:39 AM | Comments (0)
BUSH IN BOOZE CRISIS
The ever-credible National Enquirer has the scoop:
"When the levees broke in New Orleans, it apparently made him reach for a shot," said one insider. "He poured himself a Texas-sized shot of straight whiskey and tossed it back. The First Lady was shocked and shouted: "Stop George!"
But, what does a shrink think?
Dr. Justin Frank, a Washington D.C. psychiatrist and author of Bush On The Couch: Inside The Mind Of The President, told The National Enquirer: "I do think that Bush is drinking again. Alcoholics who are not in any program, like the President, have a hard time when stress gets to be great... I think it's a concern that Bush disappears during times of stress. He spends so much time on his ranch. It's very frightening."
Posted at 03:23 PM | Comments (1)
Chinese company sells Kelitun and Laiwensiji condoms
Think about those names for a second...Yes, that's right! Clinton and Lewinski. Those wacky Chinese!
A 12-pack of Clintons is expected to cost $5.00, with Lewinskys selling at a discounted price of just over $3.00.I don't know about that, at least in America where we've got rights of publicity, but I'll let the real lawyers weigh in. Hey! I know who would know!
The manufacturer's general manager, Liu Wenhua, told Sky News that naming his condoms for Clinton was perfectly legal, explaining that "trademarks of two foreign surnames and can't be seen as a violation of rights."
New York Sen. Hillary Clinton was unavailable to comment on her husband's latest achievement.
Posted at 10:19 AM | Comments (0)
"What is blocking my tv antenna?"
Of all the DU threads I've linked to, this is probably the most beautiful and zen-like in a minimalist, outsider outsider art kind of way or something:I use an antenna which gives me 2 network channels. I also get the Maine Public Broadcasting Network. I don't get NBC. Q is this... does anyone know why a solid, black "box" keeps covering the screen? You can still hear the program and see around the perimeter of " the box" but that is it.Let the speculating begin.
Why would an antenna be blocked?.... Anyone?
Posted at 09:09 AM | Comments (0)
Arianna Huffington for Governor? No!
I've heard some outlandish liberal ideas, but the idea of running Arianna Huffington against Arnold Schwarzenegger is insane. Arianna? The environmentalist? The one who's against good corporations that give jobs to Californians? No! Somehow, we conservative Arnold supporters must stop her from intruding on our dream. Perhaps we could get her to run for governor of some other state or something.
To be frank, Arianna could really give Arnold a run for his money, and, frankly, she's the only candidate that I fear out of all the other alternatives. Just between you and me, Arianna is the only Dem who could beat Arnold. (P.S. Please don't tell the DUmmies I said that!)
Posted at 08:06 PM | Comments (0)
Obscenity mowed into lawn; officials powerless to do something
This is partially humorous, but it also has some overreaching city employees bits to it. Apparently an Omaha man was warned by the city about excessive grass and weeds. In response he mowed a two-word expletive into said grass.We are not informed what that expletive is, but apparently it contains a capital "U", leading this reporter to speculate it says "Up Yours". That is just conjecture however.
Now, here comes the state:
City prosecutor Marty Conboy said little can be done legally about the yard.
"There really is no criminal law that covers these kinds of vulgarities," Conboy said...
"As much as you might shake your head at what kind of reasoning is involved, it's not prohibited," Conboy said. "A person who wants to make a statement in public, that doesn't invoke a violent response, is protected by the constitution."
Conboy said he is "disappointed" that someone would use his 1st Amendment rights in such a manner.
City codes dictate that lawns taller than 10 inches can be ticketed, but Parks and Planning officials said that unless the grass that formed the expletive met that criterion, there was nothing they could do to force its removal.
Posted at 01:09 PM | Comments (0)
Victoria man builds up static electricity, discharges, burns things
Only in Australia!Victorian authorities believe a man built up at least 30,000 volts of static electricity in his jacket simply by walking around the western Victorian city of Warrnambool yesterday.
The man left a trail of scorch marks and molten plastic behind him...
...The [Country Fire Authority] has Mr Clewer's jacket and says it is continuing to give off voltage.
Posted at 06:06 AM | Comments (0)
How many members of the Bush Administration does it take to change a light bulb?
OK, most of these are funny and many are mostly true, even if this is a "liberal" joke:How many members of the Bush Administration are needed to change a light bulb?
The Answer is TEN...
1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed,
2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed,
3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb,
4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either for changing the light bulb or for eternal darkness,
5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb,
6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner Bulb Accomplished,
7. One administration insider to resign and in detail reveal how Bush was literally in the dark the whole time,
8. One to viciously smear #7,
9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along,
10. And finally, one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.
Posted at 04:54 PM | Comments (0)
Mike Tyson in Chechnya, will not stay
"Iron Mike" is in Chechnya to unveil a boxing tournament. Despite pleas from world leaders, he says the visit is only temporary.
"Mike Tyson is a real athlete and fighter, he immediately accepted the invitation of Ramzan Kadyrov to visit Chechnya and become an honoured guest at the boxing tournament," the press secretary said. "We shall welcome him as dear guest in accordance with Chechen traditions and will treat him to our ancient meal, zhizhik-galnash (meat with sauce and boulettes)".
Good one!
Posted at 06:31 AM | Comments (0)
Inventor disputes reports; dead cats "inefficient, don't burn clean"
I'm sure you all remember that Oddly Enough! story about the inventor who's made a new process to turn waste materials like paper, rubbish, plastic goods, and dead cats into fuel. (Ananova v4 i43 p34, "Inventor turns dead cats into diesel").
Well, now he's saying that the "dead cats" part is... dead wrong!
It turns out that he did experiment with both dead kittens and puppies, but he decided that they were too "inefficient" and not "clean-burning" enough. Now he's concentrating on inanimate objects, including rubbish like discarded child's toys and old photograph albums.
Full story on this plucky inventor here.
Posted at 02:13 AM | Comments (1)
The Simpsons on the Democratic Party
Remember the Simpsons episode The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show? One of the scenes does a good job of reflecting the thought processes of the current Democratic Party.
Bart, Lisa, Ralph, Milhouse, and other kids from the Simpsons were at a mall and invited to join a focus group to discuss a new cartoon:
Man: How many of you kids would like Itchy & Scratchy to deal with real-life problems, like the ones you face every day?Kids: [clamoring] Oh, yeah! I would! Great idea! Yeah, that's it!
Man: And who would like to see them do just the opposite -- getting into far-out situations involving robots and magic powers?
Kids: [clamoring] Me! Yeah! Oh, cool! Yeah, that's what I want!
Man: So, you want a realistic, down-to-earth show... that's completely off-the-wall and swarming with magic robots?
Kids: [all agreeing, quieter this time] That's right. Oh yeah, good.
Milhouse: And also, you should win things by watching.
Posted at 10:08 AM | Comments (0)
Time/Space-shifted Philadelphia Experiment victims call Nebraska from... Norway?
It's rare that this site breaks a story ahead of Steve Quayle or Whitley or even the Northeast Intelligence Network. Usually, as in the case of the massive Texas crack or The Elk I simply follow in their "giant" footsteps.
However, such an occasion is fully upon us.
I am now free to report that the "gibberish" calls that have been plaguing residents of Kearney, NE for the past few months are the result of victims of the Philadelphia Experiment who were time - and location - shifted to the present-day Norwegian Peninsula (site of Norway, Sweden, Finland, and, sources tell me, France).
These Philadelphians have been trying to contact the residents of that small Nebraska town to warn them of an impending singularity which would return the time-shifted battleship to within their vicinity. However, because of the effects of the time travel, and their current location in that Peninsula, they are having trouble making their warnings heard and these messages are coming out as what appears to be gibberish.
Collaborating - once again - with Linda Moulton Howe and TeamSpace, I will soon be venturing forth to personally investigate this matter and finally get the truth on these time and space travelers and their mysterious helper Grays.
Posted at 01:01 PM | Comments (0)
Would you give Al Sharpton a lift to the airport?
Oddly enough, the news that Al Sharpton's driver was arrested for speeding when trying to transport The Right Reverend to DFW after his photo op with Cindy Sheehan wasn't much of a surprise. Sure, I was slightly surprised that he was able to allegedly hit 110 MPH.
But, I wasn't surprised that the Rev professed their innocence:
"That nine-mile chase is news to me... All I know is that the police pulled us over because they wanted to talk to the driver about speeding."
However, this part is what leaves me scratching my noggin:
Sharpton caught a lift from a passing driver and made his scheduled flight to New York.
If you saw the Rev thumbing a ride on the side of the road, would you stop to pick him up?
Posted at 04:44 PM | Comments (0)
Sister Furong? Phuwoar! Jiejie!
Has Sister Furong been banned from the web in China? Furong - of course! - is the reactionary model who continues to attempt to draw attention to herself by posting pictures of herself draped around objects and posting them to Chinese university websites talking of her beauty!
Let's go to the tape, linking to this, which despite being in a questionable neighborhood has a good rundown of the controversy and a couple pics. You think I would not do her? You kid: FRJJ Fan Club. Non-fan club. To the revolution! "China tries to wipe Internet icon from Web" what do they think? Drudge know nothing.
Posted at 11:36 AM | Comments (0)
Is your favorite mascot a furry?
I've never considered that before, and there's a very good chance that you haven't either. But, what if many of our most favorite sports mascots do that job because they're... furries? Could a good number of furries be secretly laughing at the fans who think they're just entertainers, when in fact they're "lifestylers" who get paid to wear a "fursuit"?Could some mascots be engaged in disgusting activities inside their costumes? Do mascots get together and engage in "furriness"? These possibilities are too horrific to even contemplate, so instead I'll just suggest going over to WikiFur and reading up on what may become the sports world's next great scandal:
Many furry fans do fursuiting for a job or to bring attention to an event or charity. This can include mascots, but not all mascots are furries. Many are hired through an agency to represent a character, while others bring their own constructions to an event instead. There are also several volunteer fursuiting groups across North America that either ask or are asked to entertain at various social functions. Some groups even set up their own charitable events or perform on the streets to passersby...Perhaps one day we'll return to a time when there were no such things as "furries".
Other furries enjoy wearing their suits for parades, exhibitions, or conventions. Oftentimes these are of a personal character who they are expressing as a form of role play. The fursuiter may consider themselves to be expressing who they really are. These fursuiters may also wear their suits to small, informal meetings among furry fans in their area...
Posted at 01:50 PM | Comments (1)
A subtle visual cue from the New York Times
Don't get me wrong. I'd definitely do her. It's just that she's not the, shall we say, model type.
And, what's up with that finger?
(Banner ad spotted on sitemeter.com; it might just be from an affiliate of some kind.)
Posted at 12:39 PM | Comments (0)
Coke, Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Shasta, or?
What side are you on in the Great Cola Wars? While I realize that any soda is bad for you, I usually get the 3 liter Shasta Diet Cola, which costs just a buck at many places.
Are there any new sodas in the marketing pipeline that we should be aware of?
I say "soda", do you say "pop"? If so, why? I've heard but haven't verified that in the "UP" (upper peninsula of Michigan), they refer to it as "fizzwater". Do you think that's accurate or was that person pulling my leg?
What other names of cola products can you think up? Discuss.
Posted at 07:32 PM | Comments (4)
Gel, paste, liquid, powder, rat, pigeon, millipedes, offal, or beef?
Contrary to what you might have heard or personally considered, Snopes informs us that in the case of Arby's it's beef.
Posted at 05:55 AM | Comments (1)
More fun with our search engine overlords
The search engine that rules our world is testing out new Artificial Intelligence technology that not only does things like spell checking, it checks to make sure that your search is accurate, and tries to correct it if possible. For an example, try this search: ed asner isnt an idiot.
On the other hand, try this for the pedantic, leftie version: ed asner isnt an idiot
Posted at 10:21 AM | Comments (0)
Space aliens in Los Padres National Forest?
Scientists have discovered a three acre "hotspot" in Los Padres National Forest in Southern California. Ground temperatures in that area run as high as 400 degrees, with one spot 11 feet underground at an unbelievable 584 degrees. The hotspot is located in the Dick Smith Wilderness (map) and was discovered after it started a forest fire last year.
Most volcanic vents run at about 200 degrees, so top scientists who have been called in are stumped. So far they've eliminated oil, gas, or coal deposits, and there have been no loud bangs or earthquakes in that area. However, they have not ruled out it being related to seismic activity in some way.
A few years ago I hiked up both Sawmill Mountain (highest point in Kern County) and Mt. Pinos (highpoint of Ventura County). Both of those are in this Forest, albeit not in the same area. I didn't write up those reports, because what I saw there... well...
Although the article did not mention it, my sources inform me that another, much more worrying possibility has not been ruled out. Namely, that this could be due to a crashed space alien ship's power supply. Meanwhile, boffo baffins continue digging for clues...
Posted at 02:14 PM | Comments (1)
Terrifying Larry Ellison plot revealed
[I posted this to USENET some years back. In the unlikely event you remember the references and find this funny, see also my satire about Java's Duke mascot.]
EAST NEWARK, Calif. July 31, 1999 (W-I-R-E-D News) - A terrifying video tape purportedly showing Oracle CEO Larry "Lawrence" Ellison conceiving a dastardly plot for world domination has just been discovered.
The video, obtained through trusted but unnamed sources, shows Ellison - dressed in full Samurai regalia and petting a stuffed Koi fish - discussing the details of his plot. The video, although grainy and very low-quality, appears to have been shot in Ellison's secret mountain fortress high above Newark in the East Bay Area.
"Henceforth, I shall no longer be known as Lawrence Ellison! From this moment forward, I shall be known as Supreme Samurai Shigetoshi of the clan Hasegawa!" the tape begins. "We shall install NCs in all of America's motel rooms! America shall entrust its data to me, the Supreme Samurai! The PC Revolution shall finally be quelled! We shall have access to all data! All Britney Spears fakes shall be mine! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!"
The tape reveals some technical details of the plot. The "Motel Rules" sign on the back of each motel room door will be replaced with a two foot by three foot poster, printed in six point type, listing common Linux commands, explaining how to remove Netscape lock files, explaining what to do when Netscape crashes, explaining how to figure out how many Netscape windows can be opened before Netscape crashes, explaining how to tell whether Netscape is just thinking or has actually crashed, explaining how to figure out if Netscape will print anything after having printed 'Starting Java...', explaining how to set the classpath, and explaining how to reboot the system. "America shall gladly give up her hard drives simply to prevent Netscape from corrupting them!"
A spokesperson from Oracle's Apologistics department stated that the tape is "an obvious forgery." He stated that "these are the types of ideas you only have when you're really, really drunk. You know, almost-about-to-pass-out drunk." However, he went on to say "the NC idea does have a lot of promise."
We attempted to contact Ellison for comment after yesterday's 'Rock Against Microsoft' concert at Cupertino Community College. As we followed him to his solar-powered JavaCar(TM), he stated "the tape is an obvious forgery. I have no comment." Shortly thereafter, he asked "Anyone know what 'Class com.chevy.Start Not Found' means? Anyone want to help me push start this thing?"
Posted at 11:29 AM | Comments (0)
Hey, Fuzzy!
Sure the guy's ass is a little distracting, but wouldn't it be nice if all the nude "peace" protesters looked as naturally sexy as the hairy hippie chick in the pic to the right? Instead, we get things like this or this.
Or, like this attempt by Prince Charles to find someone even foxier than Camilla:
Posted at 08:50 PM | Comments (0)
What freedom means to me
Let freedom ring.
Posted at 11:49 AM | Comments (0)
Yet another picture of someone with a giant fish
Because no one can get enough of things like this:
Tim Pruitt, of Alton, Ill., holds a 124-pound blue catfish that he hooked on the Mississippi River near Alton. The fish is 58 inches long and 44 inches around. It took Pruitt more than a half-hour to drag the fish into his boat. It is the largest of its kind in state history, and is expected to be certified a world record by the International Game Fish Association.
Previously: "More pictures of people with giant fish".
UPDATE: See also the new site Fishosaur.com for more giant fish pictures.
Posted at 11:18 AM | Comments (1)
California Teachers Association to move for higher salaries
BREAKING... Through sources we've learned that the California Teachers Association is considering a very major move... The union is considering moving its headquarters - and recommending the relocation of tens of thousands of its members - to another country: Cuba!What initiated this shocking plan is the report "Cuba Raises Salaries of Teachers, Doctors":
Cuba increased the salaries of its teachers, doctors and nurses, highlighting the importance the nation's communist government puts on its health and education sectors.But, as the article goes on to state, everything is paid for, so the $12 a month average income goes a long, long way!
Workers in these fields will receive an average of 40 to 50 additional Cuban pesos a month, or the equivalent of about US$2 (euro1.7). The increase was to take affect July 1.
"It's very modest, and can be improved upon," President Fidel Castro said in a live televised address to announce the news Thursday...
Link via the DUmmies, the first two of whom chime in with, "Cuba becoming more humane and civilized toward its workers while the US does the opposite..." and "The day is soon approaching when Americans get on rafts to flee to Cuba seeking freedom and democracy."
Posted at 06:45 AM | Comments (1)
Texas, Iowa, Indiana speed limits: now 10 to 20 MPH more than most can drive
According to this, Texas, Iowa, Indiana will be shortly raising their speed limits on some stretches of roadway:
Iowa: 70MPH
Indiana: 70MPH
Texas: 80MPH
In other news, most people can't safely drive more than 60MPH, if that. And, 80MPH translates into people doing 90MPH and some even pushing for the century mark. At that speed it's no longer roadkill, it's hamburger. And:
This new [Iowa] limit better reflects the actual speed of cars on rural highways which averages 69.8 MPH according to sensors embedded into the pavement.
My guess is they'll be saying that same thing when the sensors read 79.9 MPH.
In other, oddly enoughly related news, see "City may end speed limits in high crime areas". Yes, that picture is from the lovely city of Rio de Janeiro, which is dropping their speed limits in some parts of their fine city at night. The reason? So people can get the fsck out of the slums and avoid getting 'jacked.
Posted at 05:28 AM | Comments (0)
I'm missing the Watermelon Thump?
Apparently my calendar program malfunctioned, because I just found out I'm missing this year's Luling Watermelon Thump. Luling, of course, is about 45 miles south of Austin, and 40,000 visitors come to the town with a population of just 5,000 in order to thump watermelons, eat same, spit same's seeds, meet carnies, and so forth.
Local resident Lee Wheelis holds the watermelon seed spitting record: over 1/5 the length of a football field. There's even a Howie Mandell connection.
No, really, I knew this thing existed, I did not find out about it when I ran across this site. And, yes, I'm literally itching to make a joke, but I'm trying to take the high road. Plus, I get another chance to use the word "carnies." (also used here and here).
Posted at 07:37 AM | Comments (1)
Anyone want to help with a wacky prank?
Anyone in Los Angeles want to help me with a wacky prank? I want to do something like make all the lights at an intersection flash red. I also want to turn traffic signals around so they face the wrong way and mix up the audible signals for blind people. I have access to a cherry-picker truck, so we can turn signals around.
What's that you say? This is most likely highly illegal, and these aren't pranks or the actions of a trickster, these are highly dangerous sociopathic ideas?
Well, apparently not to the AP, since they described someone who's doing these things in Sunnyvale as a "prankster" and a "trickster" rather than more appropriate language. Details in "Calif. Prankster Changing Traffic Lights".
(Via this)
Posted at 10:52 AM | Comments (0)
Lynd0n LaR0uche asks: Is Dav|d |cke credible?
To the best of my knowledge, LL has not asked whether DI is credible or not. However, for that same rush of surreality, you are welcome to enjoy the DUmmie thread that asks, "Is Alex Jones credible?" As you might expect, the consensus appears to be that he's a bit high-strung, but he has some really good ideas.
Posted at 09:08 AM | Comments (1)
14-year-old steals plane; I blame video games
In Fort Wayne, IN a 14-year-old was wandering around an airport, found a plane with the keys inside, and decided to go for a spin. Surprisingly, he was able to fly for 30 minutes, including taking off and landing twice. The second landing doesn't appear to have been such a good job, since the plane suffered major structural damage. However, no one appears to have been injured.
The kid had never flown before, but I think we can assume that he had played around with Microsoft Flight Simulator or similar.
Posted at 01:45 PM | Comments (2)
More pictures of people with giant fish
There's something strange, funny, and downright other-worldly about pictures of people with giant fish, isn't there? Of course, there are fake pics of giant animals, but I'm talking about the real deal here.
So far, the best site for photos of people with huge fish has to be this. "Mark with 106 lbs of Siamese Giant Carp" indeed. There are other pics at this site. In recent news, see "Four Giant Catfish Released Into Mekong".
The Mekong giant catfish (Pangasianodon gigas) pictured to the right gets up to 10' long and 660 pounds. Fire up your industrial fryer.
UPDATE: I just started a new site with more pictures of huge fish: Fishosaur.com.
Posted at 01:12 PM | Comments (1)
DUmmies discover study trains
Thankfully, there are some sane people over in DUmmieville. When I saw the post "anyone ever seen a train at night that has two very very bright lights on" I was half expecting some half-baked conspiracy plans involving lizardian beings or something. Instead, most of the comments rightfully mock such conspiratorial thinking. No tin foil hats needed there!
BTW, these are simply study trains. They film animals and the landscape around the trains looking for things like migration patterns, foliage that needs to be trimmed, etc. etc. They really are nothing to worry about.
UPDATE: As pointed out by the second comment, I have indeed made the bigtime. Thanks to Archae for noticing this blog. And, once again, study trains are nothing to worry about.
Posted at 03:36 PM | Comments (2)
I hate Vancouver too
Both Vancouvers: the one in Washington state, and - but much more so - the one in Canada. Visiting the latter city was a bit too disorienting an experience for me. In fact, it was almost like visiting a foreign country.
If you're not yet a V-Town hater, this report might make you change your mind. Warning: not for those with weak constitutions.
Previously: "Why I hate Seattle, Part 4519".
Posted at 04:05 PM | Comments (0)
The Cyprus Caper
A Greek Albanian truck driver in Larnaca, Cyprus made a mad getaway from police, including driving around an airport's tarmac for 20 minutes forcing airplanes to slam on their brakes, even forcing one airplane to take evasive maneuvers.
What was he running from? He stole two trays of cookies valued at $87. I love my cookies too, but not that much! Full story here. Oddly enough, Reuters has a report here.
Posted at 02:48 PM | Comments (0)
Is George W. Bush the anti-Christ?
Some site I've never heard of weighs the evidence in "Nice Guy? or the Devil's Spawn?" It's so hard to tell nowadays: does the author really believe this, or is it satire? I didn't read it closely enough to find out, but what I did read is pretty darn funny even for those of us who aren't particular fans of our homeland security president.
Posted at 02:11 PM | Comments (0)
Monkeys to ride dolphins, join forces, attack mankind
The pace of evolution seems to have... accelerated. First we had monkeys using tools. Meanwhile, one of their brother monkeys started walking upright, just like we (that is, assuming you're a human) do.
Now, "Dolphins Observed Using Tools". Our mammalian brothers off Australia use sponges to protect their snouts while foraging on the sea floor.
Join PETA before it's too late, and make sure and wear your membership card around your neck.
Posted at 10:11 AM | Comments (0)
Poll question: Is George Bush the Anti-Christ?
Question: if nine people "aren't sure" or think the anti-Christ is someone else, but 21 say there's no such thing as Beelzebub, and 35 say that yes, Our Leader President Bush is indeed the Evil One (for 54%), what site do you think you're at?
Aww, that was too easy. See also the "Official Freeper lurker piss off thread...." Zzzzz...
Posted at 02:10 PM | Comments (1)
Charlotte Church: Cor blimey, Bush is a might beardo!
Phwoar! Cockney pop songstress Charlotte Church (now legal in all jurisdictions) has 'ad 'erself a might busy week!First off, the Scotsman (UK) translates her latest pronouncement from the rhyming tones of East London into the Queen's English: "Charlotte Church: Bush Is A Right Weirdo":
...The singer took a swipe at the famous men during an appearance on Glasgow-based Clyde 1 radio to promote her new single, Crazy Chick.
"[Disgraced ex-president Bill 'Bubba'] Clinton was lovely, in tune with everyone else, but George Bush just hasn't got a clue what he's doing... He asked me what state Wales was in. I said: 'It's its own country next to England, actually Mr Bush'... If he doesn't know the rest of the countries in Europe, he could at least know what's in his own country. I'm really worried about it. He's a right weirdo."
She didn't stop there! Next up, the young anti-Papist attacked the new Pope: But she detests the current Pontiff, because he branded the tomes [JK Rowling's Harry Potter series] "products of evil" and aims to prevent any future sequels before the wizard tales completely eradicate Christianity.
Not only that, but she's now flirting with the satanic influences of Buddhism!
"Pope Benedict's unwarranted criticism of the Harry Potter books proves that the church still has its feet firmly planted in the intellectual muck of the thirteenth century," said Church. "By every measure one can name—the ordination of women, the right of priests to marry, the affirmation of gay rights, the wisdom of family planning—the church is at odds with forward-thinking Catholic intellectuals everywhere."Then, we learn that the New Hebrides' Attitude Magazine has named sweet Charlotte to be their #1 gay icon.
If you'd prefer to see her hetero icons on display, go here. Cor, blimey, and phwoar!
Posted at 08:52 AM | Comments (1)
The hidden risk of biodiesel
Sure, it sounds good. Take some fast food grease and put it into your tank. Save money, save the environment, la de da de da. But, think about what that means for a minute: your car will end up smelling like cheeseburgers. And, simply because of this, a Connecticut man found his biodiesel car vandalized, broken into, and the hoses damaged...
Details here.
Posted at 02:01 PM | Comments (1)
Major UFO Breakthrough in Brazil!!!
Whitley Streiber removes the probe and reports:The nation of Brazil is relaxing its policy of UFO secrecy. It is the first among a number of countries known to be considering the idea of abandoning the secrecy mandate that has been in place worldwide since the phenomenon first began to be publicly known nearly fifty years ago.More information here (Portuguese) and here (different content, in English).
A.J. Gevaerd of the Brazilian Committee of UFO Researchers reports that a number of important files have just been released, including a folder containing documents from 1977 that cover dozens of cases of UFOs in the Amazon with over 100 pictures made during Operation Saucer, an official Brazilian military investigation that was carried out between September and December, 1977...
The second and most important meeting took place just after this one at the very reserved facilities of Brazilian Air Defense Command (Comando de Defesa Aerea Brasileiro, Comdabra), an even more sensitive installation that controls the entire air defense situation in the country and surrounding areas of Atlantic Ocean and South America. In this facility the UFO researchers were given full briefing of the top aspects of aerial defense of the country.
It was in this facility that its own commander, brigadier Atheneu Azambuja, admitted to the UFO researchers how concerned the Brazilian military are about the UFO phenomena...
Posted at 10:49 PM | Comments (1)
Why I hate Seattle, Part 4519
From "Weather Service issues first ever heat advisory for Seattle area":While much of the country bundled up for rain and stormy weather, Seattle residents dusted off the sunscreen and shorts Friday as the National Weather Service issued its first-ever heat advisory for the city.In sunny-but-hugely-troubled Los Angeles, it's that temperature before noon several days a year. And, of course, Arizona and other Southwest states are even hotter. Have another double frosted mocha latte capuccino frappe, wimps.
The advisory... was prompted by a second day of expected record temperatures. Thursday's high temperature of 89 degrees at Seattle-Tacoma International Airport broke a 58-year-old record. A high of 87 was forecast for Friday...
Posted at 06:20 PM | Comments (18)
Another Drudge classic
Isn't Drudge setting the bar a bit high for 48-point red? How will we know when something actually important happens? Will he have to go to double-sirens and flashing 64-point red?
Posted at 11:32 AM | Comments (0)
Midget Death Cults... in Cambodia?
I knew they were widespread in the South Pacific, but not in Southeast Asia. From the BBC's "Lion Mutilates 42 Midgets in Cambodian Ring-Fight":...An African Lion (Panthera Leo) was shipped to centrally located Kampong Chhnang especially for the event, which took place last Saturday, April 30, 2005 in the city’s coliseum.Shocking, truly shocking.
The Cambodian Government allowed the fight to take place, under the condition that they receive a 50% commission on each ticket sold, and that no cameras would be allowed in the arena.
The fight was called in only 12 minutes, after which 28 fighters were declared dead, while the other 14 suffered severe injuries including broken bones and lost limbs, rendering them unable to fight back.
Posted at 12:10 PM | Comments (0)
What happened to Curly?
I was getting him ready for the County Fair, but I thought he could use a little bit of a sun tan, so I left him at the tanning salon...
OH NO!
P.S. I didn't take the above photo. This is just a joke post. Yes, I realize the subject is quite serious and nothing that should be joked about. However, what can I do? The picture was no doubt taken months ago. There's no way to bring Curly back.
Posted at 10:10 PM | Comments (0)
Breaking: Wendy's chili finger settled $50 debt
More shocking revelations were revealed in the Wendy's Chili Finger Watch 2005 case.San Jose Police now believe the finger to have been obtained by Anna Ayala's husband - to settle a $50 debt!
...The co-worker's right ring finger was sheered off after his gloved hand was caught in a mechanical truck hoist at a Las Vegas paving firm on Dec. 20, San Jose police Detective Jose Martinez said in a statement filed Wednesday in Santa Clara County court.Our Wendy's Chili Finger Watch 2005 Team will have team coverage of this breaking news tonight at 5pm somewhere.
"Plascencia subsequently purchased the injured co-worker's detached finger, and advised that he intended to create a lawsuit by planting the finger in food at an undisclosed restaurant," according to the statement...
Posted at 01:58 PM | Comments (0)
Sauerkraut or WMD, you decide
Coming soon to the Drudge Report:
A package of sauerkraut at an Air Force base in South Korea set off chemical weapons detectors, forcing closure of a post office and shopping center at the base. The sauerkraut was determined to be no more a danger than sauerkraut normally is, and was no doubt quickly consumed by famished flyboys.
Details here.
Posted at 04:13 PM | Comments (0)
Sexy stews strip for pension calendar
Oh yeah. Oh... yeah. Like fine wine, these sexy United Airlines stewardesses have just gotten better and better. And, to protest the end of their pensions, they're producing a protest calendar so you can see what's on their dessert trays. Yeah.
Aged 55 to 64, these foxy air maidens have certainly put my tray table into the fully locked position.
Read more in "Calendar "exposes" United pension fix". Their site - with a few outtakes from the calendar - is here.
Other fine calendars you might enjoy:
Posted at 07:13 PM | Comments (1)
Breaking: Wendy's chili finger owner ID'ed
Breaking hard non-exclusive: San Jose police have located the owner of the finger that was found in the chili at Wendy's. The owner is an associate of Anna Ayala's husband. Ayala found the finger, and is currently under arrest.
Developing... Must not credit The Lonewacko Blog... Must credit AP or SJ Merc for their fine reportage...
Related:
"Beware Wendy's free Frosty's weekend offer!"
"Breaking: Arby's Skin Gate Watch 2005"
DA to public: "America should go back to eating at Wendy's"
Posted at 11:49 AM | Comments (0)
Beware Wendy's free Frosty's weekend offer!
In an attempt to revive interest after the Wendy's Chili Finger Gate Watch 2005 incident, Wendy's is giving away free Frosty's all this weekend.
During my Blogging Across America tour, I ate many Frosty's. I also spent a dollar picking up a book of Frosty coupons, which entitled me to (IIRC) ten or so of the delicious non-dairy desserts. Imagine that: ten Frosties for just a buck!
Needless to say, I was excited (very excited) as I decided to use my first coupon. I literally couldn't believe my eyes. I thought I was suffering some kind of a Lilliputian effect or something. The "Frosty" I was given was about the size of a thimble!
I note that 7-11 tried a similar trick with their free Slurpies. The cup for that was only slightly larger.
Now, if these are at least small size cups, I'll retract everything said above, and I'll gladly go back to Wendy's again and again, dumping the luscious icy treats I get into a large vat for future consumption at my leisure.
However, if these are the micro-sized Frosties I - and most people who take advantage of this offer - will most likely be quite disappointed.
Posted at 05:35 PM | Comments (0)
MSM punsters follow Reuters' wacky lead
The MSM's wacky headline writers took some time off from lying and decided to entertain us all, Reuters Oddly Enough style.
First up comes the story of chickens who were ticketed... for crossing the road!
The AP's title appears to be "Chicken Ticketed for Crossing the Road", which is preserved by most sources. WBOC chooses to stand alone, referring to the same story as "Couple, authorities have ruffled feathers over jaywalking chicken". A station near the incident in question titles it "Kern County chicken cited for jaywalking", and NC's News Observer call it "Couple ticketed for chicken's jaywalking".
And, then there's the entirely different story "Chicken Slaughterhouse Shut After Compaints Of Fowl Smell".
That wacky MSM!
Posted at 03:34 PM | Comments (0)
Thailand's Tiptantree Rujiranon accepts Miss Tiffany Universe award
Thailand's beauty contests are not like those in the U.S. For one, many of the women are prettier. And, for another...
More pics here, here, and here.
Posted at 09:29 PM | Comments (0)
Al Gore gets award: for the Internet
All five of you who've ever heard of the Webby Awards will be glad to hear that they're giving former VP Al Gore an award for his Internet work. The award will be presented by Vint Cerf, who was (in our sphere of reality, not Big Wooden Al's) in fact one of the inventors of the Internet:Setting the record straight on one of recent history's most persistent political myths, The Webby Awards will present Former Vice President Al Gore with The Webby Lifetime Achievement Award in recognition of the pivotal role he has played in the development of the internet over the past three decades. Vint Cerf, widely credited as one of the "fathers of the internet," will present Vice President Gore with the award.Let's go to the tape. Here's what Al Gore said March 9, 1999 on CNN:
...During my service in the United States Congress, I took the initiative in creating the Internet...Fast forward to Vint Cerf's thoughts on giving Al an award:
"He is indeed due some thanks and consideration for his early contributions," Cerf said...Wow.
But after joining Congress eight years later, he promoted high-speed telecommunications for economic growth and supported funding increases for the then-fledging network, according to the International Academy of Digital Arts and Sciences, which presents the annual awards.
He popularized the term "information superhighway" as vice president.
Posted at 01:19 PM | Comments (0)
Breaking: Arby's Skin Gate Watch 2005
This one sounds like it might be for real. A guy in Dayton Ohio found a 3/4" slice of skin in a chicken sandwich from an Arby's in Tipp City.
Unlike Wendy's Chili Finger Gate Watch 2005, there appears to be some circumstantial evidence. Namely, the restaurant manager had cut himself when preparing the lettuce and was wearing a glove. And, according to a spokesman for the restaurant's owner: "(The manager) did destroy product that was in and around the slicer immediately, and did everything that he thought was appropriate to do."
The MSM report is here. Stay tuned to this blog for the in-depth coverage of this issue that you won't find in the MSM.
Posted at 02:39 PM | Comments (0)
DA to public: "America should go back to eating at Wendy's"
*** UPDATE ***
Someone claiming to be with the company that supplies beef for Wendy's in the Western U.S. says on KFI AM Los Angeles: Coroner is involved in the case... says no finger could have made it through the meat grinding process... says finger was never cooked also...
In earlier news, police say this was a hoax... they say Ayala told two independent people that she faked this... investigators still at a loss where finger came from... developing...
*earlier post*
Our Wendy's Watch 2005 team is standing by... press conf. 1pm... updating...
Santa Clara County Chief Assistant District Attorney Karyn Sinunu earlier said it is safe to back to eating at Wendy's. She had no further comment... Report here...
Previously: "Breaking: Wendy's Chili Finger Gate Watch 2005: Arrest made..."
Commentary: due to the presidential election being over, it is also safe to return to eating at the Newburgh NY Wendy's.
Posted at 12:45 PM | Comments (0)
Smoking Chimp Tries to Kick Habit
From this:A South African zoo is trying to persuade its star chimpanzee to kick a smoking habit.
Charlie, a grown male chimp and the Bloemfontein Zoo, has been picking up cigarettes thrown to him by visitors and smoking them - a habit he probably picked up by observing humans, zoo officials told the SAPA news agency on Thursday...
...A zoo in the Chinese city of Zhengzhou reported last year that one of its chimps had taken up smoking and was desperately cadging cigarette butts off visitors.
Posted at 03:01 PM | Comments (2)
Ice cream van under attack!
Our Norwegian correspondent reports:Last Sunday, [ice cream truck driver Lars Dirks], 20, had a frightening encounter. A furious man ran up and tried to tear open the door on the right side of the van, which was locked. Then the man ran in front of the vehicle and around and managed to open the door on the driver's side.No major damages or injuries seem to have been involved, thus the category.
"He pulled me out of the car and tried to hit me, but I managed to dodge the punch. Then he started yelling me and saying it was unheard of driving an ice cream truck and making so much noise," Dirk recalled...
(I added the exclamation point to the story's title to make it funnier!)
Posted at 05:36 PM | Comments (0)
ASCII art spam received
Received via email:
The first one's funny, but I'd imagine there will be many more and it will quickly lose its humor.
See the March 15, 2005 article "Spammers Use Dark Ages' ASCII Art Trick".
That's a screengrab from pine, in case you're wondering why it's not black on white.
Posted at 10:49 PM | Comments (1)
WHOTD: Wacky Headline Of The Day
From, of all places, ZDNet: "Los Angeles has the highest number of coffee shops, Seattle has the highest penetration".
Posted at 07:57 PM | Comments (0)
Huell Howser v. Yahoo
If you don't believe the following graphic, go try it yourself. Apparently it's a highly-searched set of words:
Posted at 05:19 PM | Comments (1)
"Alton attorney accidentally sues himself"
Those wacky lawyers:
Alton attorney Emert Wyss thought he could make money in a Madison County class action lawsuit, but he accidentally sued himself instead. Now he has four law firms after his money - and he hired all four...
Posted at 11:32 PM | Comments (0)
"Outgoing envoy to U.S. cites problems getting Americans to notice Canada"
That's the actual headline of this article. I'd read it, except, like you, I don't really care.
Posted at 10:28 AM | Comments (0)
"I was a Paris tart, says Labour candidate"
Cor! Blimey! Phwoar!
Labour has dropped a prospective MP after she confessed to having worked as a prostitute in Paris in the Seventies.Christine Wheatley, who was on the shortlist of prospective parliamentary candidates for Copeland, in Cumbria, said: "Yes, I worked as a tart. I'm not ashamed.
"It was before I found proper work. I hit Paris with £300, I didn't have much to spend, I had to find money."
The 53-year-old, a former Oxford student, is now training to become a lawyer at the Inner Temple in London...
Tart, lawyer, what's the difference?
And, why, you might ask, is there not a picture? Well, you might not want to see the picture. But, if you're prepared, there's a picture of the "tart" here and here.
Posted at 11:54 AM | Comments (1)
First time caller, long time dummy
In today's wacky news:
CHICAGO (AP) - Federal officials say they have finally solved a bank robbery because a suspect bragged about the crime on a radio talk show.
A caller boasted on WKSC-FM that he and five others tied up employees at a TCF Bank branch in South Chicago Heights in April, took $81,000 and spent some of the money at expensive stores...
...The FBI says Washington denies any involvement in the robbery, claiming he called the radio station to win a prize.
WKSC's format came in a big cardboard box stamped only with the block-printed word "TOP40". Compare their picture page with that from the L.A. station that also calls itself KISS. "Free Gas, Full Service Friday at Citgo in Bensenville" vs. "Free Gas Friday with JoJo".
(Similar report here.)
Posted at 01:48 PM | Comments (1)
Give it up for Koko
...Their lawsuit said: "Through sign language, as interpreted by Patterson, Koko 'demanded' plaintiffs remove their clothing and show Koko their breasts."
It went on: "On one such occasion, Patterson said, 'Koko, you see my nipples all the time. You are probably bored with my nipples. You need to see new nipples. I will turn my back so Kendra can show you her nipples'."
The women, sacked in August last year, say they never followed the requests to undress for Koko...
(The picture - which might be fake - has nothing to do with the suit described at the link.)
Posted at 08:46 PM | Comments (0)
End Times Watch: "Pair of Paintings of Dogs Playing Poker Fetches $________ in Auction"
The AP report "Pair of Paintings of Dogs Playing Poker Fetches $________ in Auction" informs us that this and a similar painting were recently sold at auction:
Now, guess how much they fetched. Answer in the extended entry.
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"Pair of Paintings of Dogs Playing Poker Fetches $590,000 in Auction"
NEW YORK (AP) - A pair of paintings from the famed series depicting dogs playing poker fetched nearly $600,000 at auction Tuesday.
The two works - "A Bold Bluff" and "Waterloo" - were among 16 paintings that artist Cassius Marcellus Coolidge was commissioned to create for a Minnesota-based advertising company in 1903. Of the 16, nine are of dogs playing poker...
Posted at 08:32 PM | Comments (0)
"NY Man Who Fell Down a Hill Inside a Portable Toilet Wins Day in Court"
Mark Fass reports:
A man who fell down a hill in a portable toilet may have a cause of action against the contractor that leased it, a state court has ruled.
Looking to either buy or sell dirt, plaintiff Joseph A. Fascenelli stopped by a construction site in Katonah...
Let's pause here while you finish your limerick.
...Mr. Fascenelli spoke with a laborer then asked to use the portable toilet. After entering, he felt the toilet tip outward. It fell down a hill, causing unspecified injuries. In addition, "[e]verything was exhausted from the pot on top of me," Mr. Fascenelli testified...
Posted at 10:10 PM | Comments (0)
OPRAH'S COMING TO TOWN...CAN YOU HOOK ME UP?
Spotted on Craigslist:
That's right...Oprah is coming to Hollywood next week. I've been trying to connect with her...it's been very difficult as you can imagine.
I have something which can help a large percentage of the women in the world, but it's alternative, and people aren't listening, yet.
You don't have to actually hook me up with Oprah, I know that's a tall order! But how about one of her people?...certainly she has a gang of producers, directors, publicists, etc. in her caravan. I only need 5 minutes with someone who has direct contact with oprah.
How would you like to help humanity and make a few bucks at the same time?
Get me an appointment, I'll pay you $100.00 for your effort. If I actually appear on the show, and it's televised, there's another $1000.00 in it for you.
Really, you'll be doing more for humanity than you'll ever know (beyond the scope of the benefits you'll see on the surface).
If you can't hook me up, maybe you'd be nice enough to share any information you might have with me...such as, rehearsal times, where she's staying? anything.
Thank you and many blessings to all who read this.
Posted at 09:55 PM | Comments (0)
Where the magic is born
A peek inside Lonewacko HQ:
But seriously, it appears to be an art project of some kind.
Posted at 10:59 PM | Comments (0)
Swash helps me feel fresh
I've been using a Swash for about a month now, and I have to tell you it works! I've installed several of them at TLB headquarters and at the assembly plant, and all our staff - men, women, and children - agree it's much better than the alternatives, especially the Toto model.
Note especially the ease of installation and how it can be removed for cleaning. And, the Swash is also effective for yeast infections.
Sometimes I use the softer washing mode, but many times I feel the need to kick it up a notch and increase the pressure to get a total cleaning. I simply press a button and I'm met with a warm, aerated water spray. Don't let the labels fool you though! The anterior feminine wash feels good for men too!
I could go on all day about my Swash - and I have! But, best of all, why don't you buy one?!
Posted at 02:04 PM | Comments (0)
Which came first?
Do you know what The Onion looks like? If you don't, there's an example here.
Now, take a look at Madison, Wisconsin's Capital Times: "Wisconsin's Progressive Newspaper."
Just a coincidence? A VRWC member trying to bring the Capital Times down from the inside? Or, is the Capital Times just a joke? I choose the later.
Posted at 10:50 PM | Comments (0)
Now that's a Big Game!
This is certainly one of the best Big Games I've seen in a while. And, what about our team!? We're really taking it to the other team.
But, we can't afford to be over-confident. There's still more game to go. We need to go out there and perform on both offense and defense and remember there's lots of ways to lose this game.
What about that entertainment during the break, eh? That's really something too.
UPDATE: And, where's that other guy who was in the band with the guy? Why didn't they invite him. That would have been special.
The game kinda sucked. It wasn't as close as the score, it was sloppy, and there just weren't too many exciting moments where you wondered who would win.
Posted at 05:32 PM | Comments (0)
Mourners flee huge flying ice block: Frozen urine drops out of sky
Drudge has not yet linked this, but have little doubt he will:
MOURNERS at a funeral were left terrified when a massive block of frozen urine fell from the sky.
People ducked for cover when iced toilet waste the size of a portable television hurtled down as they were leaving the church.
The lump of ice smashed into the building as around 50 mourners were standing outside and narrowly missed them as it scattered across the ground.
It is believed to have come from an aeroplane that was passing overhead...
As usual, expect the normal progression: Lonewacko, followed by Drudge a few hours later, followed by Snopes a few days later to say it's all true.
Posted at 02:09 PM | Comments (0)
I keep these in my wallet just in case something happens
The ACLU to handle constitutional matters, Gloria Allred to lead the defense and interface with the media, Luke Ford to get the truth out, and the Evolving Consciousness Newsletter to provide solace.
The Luke Ford card was personally given to me by the Los Angeles institution himself.
I found the Gloria Allred rolodex card in the drawer of a desk at a thrift shop. One of these days I'll sell it on eBay.
Posted at 05:44 PM | Comments (0)
Lonewacko issues clarification; admits mistakes might have been made
"On January 13, 2005, The Lonewacko Blog posted the entry "Hey, yahoo!" about a Romanian child named "Yahoo" because his parents met over the Internet.
It has now come to our attention that this might have been a hoax.
We regret not applying the usual standards of journalistic excellence that our readers expect.
Mistakes might have been made, and we deeply regret any confusion this might have caused."
Posted at 11:25 AM | Comments (0)
Today's Mink, Louisiana news roundup
In today's Mink, Louisiana news roundup:
Mink, La. There's a fish fry today in this hamlet of 15 households to celebrate big news: phone service...
BellSouth Corp. has spent $700,000 or about $47,000 per phone to extend about 30 miles of cable through thick forests to Mink, about 100 miles south of Shreveport. All phone customers in the state will cover the cost through a small monthly charge on their bills...
Assuming every other Louisianans has a phone, that works out to just 28 cents per phone. Call it the Mink-can't-use-radio-phones tax.
In other Mink, LA news: there was no other Mink, LA news.
Previous coverage of Mink, LA starts here, although now you know the punchline.
Posted at 03:23 PM | Comments (0)
This is one of those things you save
I've kept this for over three years, and I'm still trying to figure it out:
If you manage to figure out what's going on here, please leave a comment and/or diagram.
Special bonus points: identify the publication under the ad. (That publication has nothing to do with the ad, I just used it as a backdrop.)
Posted at 09:17 PM | Comments (1)
Hey, you might have to do this one day
You might as well know how to do it right, right?
Of course, if Lisa Franzetta wants to teach me how to eat wild plants instead I'll certainly consider it.
Posted at 09:12 PM | Comments (0)
I just ducked into a church to get out of the rain...
What happened? It feels like there's a hood over my face...
I can't move. It feels like I'm tied down... I also feel a draft all over... Why the hell am I naked and tied down?
Don't panic, let's figure this out... It started raining so I ducked into a church to get out of the rain. I smelled the incense, then a nice older lady give me a cup of tea...
Then, I blacked out. I still smell the incense, so I'm probably still in the church...
But, why the hell am I tied down? Why is there a mask over my face?
What's that sound? It sounds like light slapping sounds, like people are putting their palms down on pews or something...
Now, someone's walking towards me... What do you want? Who the hell are you? No answer, I guess I'll just have to wait and see...
Now, the mask is being lifted off...
Posted at 08:28 PM | Comments (0)
Apache Nation, eh?
This picture was shot in or near the Apache Nation in Arizona a few years ago as part of the Let's go to Utah trip. The flag alerts foreign visitors that the gift shop it's advertising is Canadian-friendly.
Posted at 04:10 PM | Comments (0)
GamingGeezer78, as always, led the smackdown
Somehow I missed this 9/7/03 righteous smackdown from the VideoGamesReview forums:
Wow...whine, whine, complain, complain. Do you want some cheese to go along with that whine?
You Xbots just don't get it do you? The power of hardware has nothing to do with the games. And games is what sells systems. Xbox has no games that appeal to the Japanese gamers out there. Japanese gamers not buying Xbox & Xbox games is no more prejudice on their part then not buying PC games. They don't like them. Would you buy a pack of liver at the grocery store even though you don't like it? Quit being a retard.
Your entire rant against PS2 owners & the games on the system is a moot point. In Japan, PS2 has games that appeal to the Japanese audience. In America, PS2 has games that appeal to the American audience. It's as simple as that.
Now you want to cry a river and say you will get out the console gaming when Xbox doesn't sell like mad this winter...which it won't BTW. Your opinions are your opinions. I prefer games on PS2 and Gamecube to most of the Xbox games. In fact, with the exception of Halo and a few others, the games I love on Xbox are Japanese games!
Then you bash EyeToy. What do you care? The point of EyeToy is that it is a new idea. An innovation in the console games industry. Xbox Music Mixer is just a Karaoke machine. Big deal. What's worse, looking like a fool on screen or sounding like a fool? It all boils down to who wants what? Who the F are you to say EyeToy is crap and Karaoke is "da bomb?" Loser!
Just like all your fellow Xbots, you cannot see that the quality of a game isn't determined by bump-mapping and pixel shading. Xbox games can look better than anything else out there, but most of the games are soul-less, redundant, cheap boring derivative drivel that tries it's best to emulate what everyone else is doing. Boring, lazy, no-fun games.
I hope you quit console gaming you little ass. Everyone is tired of hearing you whine about Xbox not selling well. Face it, Xbox is #3 behind Gamecube. And that gap only looks to get wider with Xbox selling a whopping 650 systems in a week! LOFL! [smiley expressing 'surprise']
Smackdown!
(A special prize to the first person who can tell me what google terms I used to arrive at that page. It's also good to know that while this blogger complains about BushBots, there are much more important fights to fight, such as those against the XBots.)
Posted at 12:19 AM | Comments (0)
Man, those furries are nuts
Previously in this space, links to some drawings from "furries" were posted.
Our internet sources have recently discovered a new furry creation. I'd put a WARNING: NSFW before this link, except... the naughty bits of this drawing have been pixellated out. Yes, that's right, it's obscene furry art made FCC-friendly. Here it is if you're ready.
Posted at 09:55 PM | Comments (1)
Traveling, Lonewacko style
The picture above is the MapQuest route between two cities 476 miles apart. It shows the short route in one direction, but not in the other. According to Snopes:
...the trip from Haugesund to Trondheim is an arduous two-day journey that involves crossing the North Sea, the English Channel, and the Baltic Sea; traversing seven different countries (the U.K., France, Belgium, Netherlands, Germany, Denmark, and Sweden); and traveling a grand total of 1,686 miles all to get between two cities less than 500 miles apart in the same country...
That actually sounds like the much more fun route.
Posted at 01:59 PM | Comments (0)
He's dreamy!
From 1983's Teen Beat magazine. Another picture here, discussion here.
If you'd rather see a hot steamy dance from Steve Ballmer, click here.
UPDATE: According to Snopes, these are not from Teen Beat. Instead they're publicity photos, described by the MS-owned Corbis as follows:
"Bill Gates, CEO of Microsoft, reclines on his desk in his office soon after the release of Windows 1.0. 1985 Bellevue, Washington, USA."
Posted at 11:27 AM | Comments (0)
"After downing 6-pounder, tiny teen is burger queen"
CLEARFIELD, Pa. -- A 100-pound female college student is the first to meet the Denny's Beer Barrel Pub challenge: down the restaurant's 6-pound hamburger - and 5 pounds of fixins' - within three hours.
Kate Stelnick, 19, of Princeton, N.J., made the five-hour drive with two friends from The College of New Jersey on Wednesday after they saw pictures of the monster burger, dubbed the Ye Old 96er, on the Internet and on TV's Food Network.
"I just saw it on TV and I really thought I could do it," Stelnick said after downing the burger in two hours, 54 minutes...
...nobody had finished the big burger in the three-hour time limit since it was introduced on Super Bowl Sunday 1998 - not even competitive eater Eric "Badlands" Booker. The 420-pound Booker - who has eaten such things as 49 glazed doughnuts in eight minutes and two pounds of chocolate bars in six minutes - tried three times to eat the burger and finally did on his third effort. But it took Booker 7 1/2 hours...
I know someone who's going to be very upset: Sonya Thomas is: "THE BLACK WIDOW" of Pro Eating.
This Fark thread includes a picture of someone I take to be Booker.
Previous coverage of this giant burger - yes, there has been previous coverage here - starts here.
Speculation about what Kate Stelnick did after downing the burger is left to your imagination, but I would imagine they do produce industrial toilets.
UPDATE: The picture that was here seems to have disappeared. There are more pictures here and here.
Posted at 02:06 PM | Comments (0)
CHRISTIAN!!! CHARITABLE DONATION (JOHN WILLIAMS)
Amongst the 5 or so Megs of spam I receive each day came this nugget:
Dear Beloved in Christ,
I greet you in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.
I am formally Ahmed Usman from UAE.I was born into a devoted Muslim family.All through my life i have been doing business and I was into gold mining and selling.
I met our creator and the meciful one Almigthy God when i was having a business deal with one of my partners from Italy and from the day I became a born again christian my name changed to John Williams...
[...etc. etc. get to the friggin' bottom line...]
...i am taking this bold step to let you know that I want to leave in your care the sum of $12.6M(Twelve Million Six Hundred Thousand Dollars) i deposited!in a security company for the enhanc that will utilize this funds the way I am going to instruct here in...
Posted at 02:44 PM | Comments (2)
Hey, yahoo!
BUCHAREST (Reuters) - A Romanian couple has named their son Yahoo as a sign of gratitude for meeting over the Internet, a Bucharest newspaper reports.
Daily Libertatea said on Thursday Cornelia and Nonu Dragoman, both from Transylvania, met and decided they were meant for each other following a three-month relationship over the net...
Posted at 09:52 AM | Comments (0)
JOIN THE PAULY SHORE STREET TEAM!
Are you Lonewacko material? What's your response to this craigslist ad:
Pauly Shore needs your help with his new official street team!
Pauly is looking for 50 Los Angeles area residents with reliable transportation to join his Official Street Team. Street team members will work directly with Pauly and some lucky members will have the chance to hang out with the Wiez himself, and possibly appear on his new TV show, "Minding the Store"!
For those of you who are interested in joining the Pauly Shore Official Street Team contact me immediately!
If you said, "Sure, I'll join his street team. And then I'll try to bring it down from the inside" you are indeed Lonewacko material. Developing...
Posted at 12:13 AM | Comments (3)
Can anyone recommend a good nude aerobics DVD?
I've searched and searched and all I've come up with is Totally Nude Aerobics:
I've seen many good reviews about this DVD, and I went ahead and bought it off Amazon. The verdict? HUGE disappointment!!! What's wrong with these people who say this Totally Nude Aerobics is any good at all?! The girls are heavily made up, the Asian one particularly looks like a 1960s Shanghai hooker. The music is downright cheesy, like straight from some home-made cheap porn...
...The women are heavily made up and look fierce, like they are about to kill you. The moves they do involve a lot of head shaking and they repeat the same movement over and over and over and over and over and over...
Posted at 12:17 AM | Comments (2)
"Sultry activists bare their skin in freezing weather to protest wearing fur"
From this:
Sultry animal rights activists stripped down in the freezing weather to bear their skin Friday to try to save the hides of millions of animals slaughtered for fur garments.
Wearing nothing more than flimsy underwear, painted-on leopard spots, cat's ears and carrying a banner reading "Only Animals Should Wear Fur", two young women from the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) marched down the street at the busy commercial block of Myeongdong.
A crowd of curious, mostly male onlookers feasted their eyes on the activists who braved the numbing winter weather to show their skins and shout slogans.
But several plainclothes policemen quickly forced their way through the group, wrapped the two naked women with blankets and overcoats and dragged them to a nearby police station...
Public order was finally restored. One of the activists is of course Lonewacko favorite Lisa Franzetta.
There's a small pic here, and a large pic here. The pic above is from this, and there's another pic here. A text-only report is here. There's an action shot of the arrest here.
Posted at 11:55 AM | Comments (0)
Today's news from India
The following report from India Daily appears to be in English, but I have absolutely no idea what they're talking about:
For the famous Mallika how could you! Recently Mallika has unveiled more sensational masala on the Bollywood!
Mallika Sherawat came out with a shocking revelation and outright confession that can rock your soul! She says Big B when running at a slow motion is an eye candy. She just cant wait to work on a movie with Big B where she can run slowly with Big B?
Some say this may be a one-sided crazy crush! Mallika never stops at running! She makes every one run. Keep tuned the story has just started! We will keep you informed!
What?
In other breathless India Daily news:
Bollywood trending towards sex movies!
Katrina ready to show her skin in Hum Ko Deewana Kar Gaye
And, last but not least:
For other news from strange newspapers, see "Today in Trini news".
Posted at 10:51 PM | Comments (1)
Take it like a Viking
Alternatively:
Posted at 08:34 PM | Comments (0)
It's ice skating, but taken to the Richard Simmons-th degree
I have to confess to flipping past fewer things objectively gayer than "Kenny Loggins On Ice". From an eyewitness:
There have been many people and things put on ice in the past several years in various skating shows.
But possibly never has anyone so fully embraced that experience as Kenny Loggins, who performed with a star-studded cast of skaters in Century 21 Presents Kenny Loggins on Ice on Dec. 8 at the Broome County Arena in Binghamton, N.Y. (It will be broadcast on NBC on Jan. 9...)
...During one break in the action, one of the band members was talking with members of the cast and noted, I can't even imagine being able to do the things you guys do I love to watch skating whenever I get a chance, but I can't imagine how you do it, while the skaters came back with equal awe about the multitude of talents demonstrated by the band...
...Lea Ann told me what she wanted me to skate to, said Boitano, who said he enjoyed trying something very different for him, the frantic, upbeat, I'm Alright, as well as a selection that was very definitely his style, the powerful love song, Forever..."
...Steven Cousins took a quick break from his skating performance to It's About Time to join the band onstage and play tambourine, then took the tambourine with him when he returned to the ice, using it to add an exclamation point to a couple of split jumps, and Alexei Yagudin jumped onstage and grabbed a spare guitar during his performance to Angry Eyes. He strummed along with the band for a few moments, then jumped back on the ice to do a knee slide while still strumming the instrument...
...Sale and Pelletier changed that more somber mood into a very upbeat feeling with a charged-up performance to Don't Fight It, which included a triple twist and a big throw triple Salchow. Their performance merged into another ensemble program, with Sale and Sato flirting with Pelletier, Dungjen, Yagudin and Weiss to Playin' With the Boys."
That playful program was a perfect introduction into Boitano's lively performance to I'm Alright, which included his Tano triple Lutz, along with triple toe and a couple of split jumps, accompanied by interaction with the audience and a huge grin. The half ended with Loggins inviting the audience to sing along with me to Celebrate Me Home, with Eldredge's smooth spirals, spins and triples (loop and toe) accenting the well-known favorite...
Could it get any better? Yes, it could. They could have built a large, transparent pool above the skating rink containing synchronized swimmers rockin' to the beat.
Posted at 02:47 PM | Comments (1)
Checking in with... Lisa Franzetta of PETA
(2003) Lisa Franzetta, campaign coordinator for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), wears the Tiger Lady costume to protest the wearing of furs.
There's a picture of Lisa Franzetta wearing fur and drinking from a toilet
here, here, or here.
And, there's some background on her here:
...She's an Ivy League grad from an upscale New Jersey suburb who never did anything more radical than volunteer at animal shelters until she began working for PETA four years ago writing ad copy.
Her epiphany snuck up on her in her mid-20s, yet it is rooted firmly in a visceral disgust for seeing animals hurt or tortured. It first popped up in 10th-grade biology class: "We had dissected the fruit fly and the worm and the frog, and when we got to the pig, Lisa refused to do it," said Katherine Bell, who has known Franzetta since high school. Instead, Franzetta sat in the back of the class doing independent study.
"In high school, Lisa was the type of girl that high school boys in New Jersey wouldn't like too much; she was too smart," said Bell . "She was always brave and sexy and fun. It's just that in Randolph , New Jersey , there wasn't a lot of opportunity for that side of her to come out..."
I find myself... strangely seduced by her ideology...
Posted at 12:49 AM | Comments (0)
SPOD: Have you sinned?
Continuing our Strange Pet of the Day series, we ask: have you sinned? I mean, a really good sin? Your penance is to live this, view it inside your mind, read it over and over until you have paid your due:
Hi, my name is Kiara. Thanks for coming to visit me! I just love having visitors! Now I know your first question is, what the heck is that?!?
Well, I am called a Kinkajou (kink-a-choo) although I am more commonly know as a "Honey bear." You see I just LOVE honey! Actually it probably has more to do with the fact that our fur is a pretty honey color. What type of animal do I remind you of? A monkey, cat and even a ferret? I've heard them all before:) Believe it or not kinkajou's are actually related to raccoons, coatis, ringtail cats and possibly even panda bears!
... At home I live in a LARGE cage. Mommy says to make sure you know how big we need our cages. Imagine a bathroom in your house, now go out and look for a cage that size... Mommy has 2 big parrot cages that she made into one big cage for me. I have lots of ropes and braches inside. There's also a couple pouches for me to sleep in and LOTS of water. I can drink A LOT!
When I get up at night I spend most of my time jumping and climbing all over the place.
Escaping from my cage is the best! I get to find all of the fruit snacks and goodies mommy has in the kitchen. When I hear her coming I just hide until she gets close the I jump out! I love to scare mommy, hehe. Then I give her a kiss and she lets me sleep with her for awhile...
...Every night I get 4 different kinds of fruit. [Fruits are enumerated...] are just some of the kinds of fruit I get.
I never eat strawberries. I really don't like them and mommy read somewhere that all kinkajous may be allergic to them! (Mommy has been recently hearing the same about avocado...)
...5-6 Zupreme monkey biscuits every night, I'm not sure what these are but mommy says they are good for me...
...Mommy says I need protein, whatever that is...
... Yogurt is SOOO good. I only get that 1-2 times a week. Good calcium mommy says...
Hup! Hup! Hup! What are you doing down here? Go back and read it again. And again. And again and all over again. Until you're absolved.
Posted at 10:15 PM | Comments (0)
Dayyyyum!
Now that's a big ol' hog, I tell you what.
Posted at 05:14 PM | Comments (0)
The clock had just struck 13 and it was time for breakfast
From this:
Hi folks, world wide!
I'm Dick Henry, a Professor at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore,
and I can't devote a lot of time to calendar reform!
But I have become convinced that the world will be a (marginally) better place if we really implement the C&T Calendar, world wide, on 2006 January 1, and so I'm willing to help in accomplishing this. I hope you'll join me in this ... millions of you...
Here are the stats on the C&T calendar ("Common-Civil-Calendar-and-Time"):
- 7 days/week
- 364 days/year
- the calendar is identical each year: January 1 always falls on a Sunday, and so forth
- time zones would be eliminated
- we would all use UTC
So, when will this start?
...starting 2006 January 1, it is proposed that Universal Time, on a 24 hour scale, be used, everywhere on earth, and forevermore. As a result of this, beginning 2006 January 1, the date and time will always be the same, everywhere, greatly facilitating international understanding...
[what about those for whom the date changes when the sun is overhead?]
...those folks live in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. As things stand, they have an International Date Line to contend with. With my proposal, that will disappear forever. So they gain that!
The less wacky suggestion is "Newton Week", a sort of week-long replacement for the leap day that would appear between June and July every five or six years. That would involve mandatory bacchanalias in which even supermodels or Score girls would be required to be "nice" to people who kinda look like Nicholas Cage in certain limited forms of lighting.
Yes, I made the last sentence up. However, I do see a use for this calenarist's wacky plan...
He says the American Astronomical Society is considering endorsing this plan. Let me suggest even more fertile fields: the local Libertarian Party. C'mon, how difficult could it be to convince Libertarian candidates to become outspoken advocates for calendar reform? Wouldn't that be fun?
"I'm the Libertarian candidate, and I'm running on a platform of calendar reform. And, free drugs."
Posted at 11:54 PM | Comments (0)
Jackie Johnson pictures galore!
The above picture of Jackie Johnson - currently weathergal for KCAL 9 TV - appears on the site for the Paul & Young Ron morning show on 94.9 ZETA ("new rock alternative") in Miami. Do I have to tell you just how bad that probably is? I'm sure you have the sounds of generic gonzo ("The Indestructible Intern", "Pumpkin Smash", "ZETA listeners then tried to impress Johnny [Knoxville] by during Jackass stunts of their own for Halloweenie Roast tickets" - their gags probably come delivered in a plain cardboard box marked with nothing but 'Morning Show') running through your head right now. Instead, concentrate on weather forecaster Jackie Johnson's munificent talents as pictured in the pic above as well as those here.
UPDATE: Here's another picture of KCAL's weathergal Jackie Johnson.
UPDATE 2: Apparently Zeta has switched formats. The original picture location has disappeared.
Posted at 11:06 PM | Comments (53)
Babage, Satanism style
...Let us examine this picture of this poor girl in some depth, for this tattooing and body piercing screams the Satanic values behind this picture. A former Satanist told me that this face is a "Road Map" and is carefully, intricately created. Notice the following elements:
* All-Seeing Eye in middle of the forehead resting within a reptilian type body. Each of the colors utilized on this All-Seeing Eye and on the rest of her face has specific meaning within the practice of ritual occultism, each with its own type of power...
* Notice the circular piercings above her eyes with the ball in the middle and along the bottom curvature of her chin; these are also "bondage loops" and are tied to specific demons, to whom she must be loyal...
Picture here. Site's main page here. Serious, or just a very complicated satire? You decide.
Posted at 10:08 PM | Comments (0)
I don't know how much of this I can stomach
I promised you cheesecake, and here it is. More pictures of the same person here and here. Her forum appears to be here.
Posted at 11:57 AM | Comments (0)
SPOD: Alternatives to the Pet Rock
Continuing with our Strange Pet of the Day feature.
Is a Pet Rock slightly too inanimate for you? Would you like an alternative that is almost as inanimate as a Pet Rock but which is still occasionally capable of some observable movement?
Your problems are all solved. Can you guess which pet this is based on this snippet of the FAQ for that pet?
12) They do not seem to be climbing on the tree branch I have for them in the cage - at least not very much - is this ok?
Don't worry, they're probably climbing while you're sleeping. Even if you don't see your [MYSTERY PET] climbing, you should still provide pieces of wood and coral for them...
18) I think my [MYSTERY PET] is dead but I'm not sure...
If you really are not sure whether your [MYSTERY PET] is dead or just [DELETED], or if you think it's dead but you just don't want to accidentally throw away a living [MYSTERY PET], the best thing to do until you have more experience with [MYSTERY PET] is to leave the [MYSTERY PET] in the cage for about a week. If it is dead, you'll know because it will give off a strong, [DELETED] odor after a few days...
Can you guess the [MYSTERY PET]? We know it's not a dog, or even a cat. Could it be a snake? No, even they move occasionally. It's certainly not a Wackalookaburribarwall.
Give up?
Here's a hint: you've probably eaten pounds of this pet's close relatives. So, you know it's not a really strange animal.
Here's another hint: the people who own this as a pet and not a future food item are apparently serious. This does not appear to be a joke.
OK, final hint: you've probably eaten lots of this pet's relatives if you're near the Chesapeake Bay.
The MYSTERY PET is the hermit crab. You can read about Assateague, Tiger, Ossippee, Wallops, Isabella, Bolivia, the late Antonio, Fenwick, Santana, and Arista here. There are pictures of hermit crab pets here. The aforementioned FAQ is here.
And, to learn how to handle crabs, click the following picture:
Posted at 12:23 AM | Comments (0)
SPOD: Have plenty of Band-Aids on hand
Continuing our Strange Pet of the Day series, we come to one of my favorites, crocodiles and alligators. Many people are confused over the differences between them. I use this handy mnemonic: with alligators, you have to be "all" the way in before you lose consciousness and begin to be digested, but crocs prefer to viciously tear their food to pieces first, thus you endure less pain all things considered.
There's information on keeping gators and crocs as pets here, including this intriguing bit:
...At the same time, however, there has recently been a disturbing tendency for certain authorities (both legitimate and self-appointed) to seize captive crocodilians in the UK in what can be described at best as devious tactics and at worst as outright theft. Certainly in cases where owners have legitimate paperwork, the excuses for these raids have been very flimsy, and even in one case where the owner did not possess a DWA license for these particular animals, this was at least partly because the local authority had told him in advance that they would never grant him a licence, and the vet employed by that authority had openly expressed a loathing of crocodilians and reptiles in general. It is also highly suspicious that the animals thus seized turned up in Portugal at premises run by a friend of the so-called "expert" who had played a large part in these proceedings. It was generally agreed in court that the crocodiles kept by the local man had been well looked after. There is doubtless more unpleasantness to be exposed to the public gaze in this particular case, so watch this space...
The page was last updated in April 2003...
When I was in Arkansas, I visited an alligator farm.
There's more on the Reptilian Agenda here.
Posted at 01:01 PM | Comments (0)
SPOD: Devil Dogs
Today's Strange Pet of the Day (SPOD explained here) are Devil Dogs. You might not be familiar with the name, as they're called both "Devil Dogs" and "Wackalookaburribarwalls" in Australia, "Les Envois d'Enfer" in France and the Low Countries, "Devil Dogs" in most of the rest of Europe, and "Wallabies" in the UK and the U.S.
Whatever their local name, they represent 30-40 kgs of hopping, hermaphroditic, furry fun with a "wild" streak. Although there has been much misinformation provided about these feral beasts, some of it is not true. Weekly inspections by a licensed Exotic Animals Veterinarian can help control their prediliction for rabidity. And, careful and continual monitoring of their glycemic index can avoid most bouts of clawing and general annihilatory behavior.
For more on keeping Wackalookaburribarwalls as pets, see this.
Posted at 02:52 PM | Comments (1)
PLEASE SUPPORT THIS SITE!!!
The best way to support this site would be to buy one or more Rejuvenique RJV10KIT Facial Toning Mask Kits, as currently or formerly endorsed by TV Megastar Linda Evans.
Whatever you do, pay no attention to this page, this page, this page (the fact that the inventor is from Clearwater, FL is reportedly not a coincidence) or this page.
Posted at 12:16 AM | Comments (0)
SPOD: Strange Pet of the Day
Herewith a new series, inspired by the ferret-owning Libertarian candidate for CA Lieutenant Governor.
Today's SPOD: Triops.
Introduction here:
Triops grow as large as most freshwater community fish and they do so in a day to day manner that always amazes. Their behavior is as interesting as almost any fish and they do engage in those "aqua-batics" as Triops, Inc. claims on their packaging. Their Klingon behavior with one another also never ceases to entertain. Nothing like watching one of your triops parade happily about the tank carrying the head of one of its dead comrades like some bizarre trophy while it cannibalizes it to bring a lump to your throat. They are easy to care for and maintain, plus they require a minimum of equipment and space. Unlike fish, you don't need to get anyone to take care of the tank when you leave town for a month - just drain it and refill it when you get back to start the process over again.
Other pages from that author here. Pics of triops here. Vids here.
Posted at 12:14 AM | Comments (0)
How unlikely is this?
I'd say this image has very little chance of happening:
Very, very little chance. It would probably never happen.
(Via Fark's Best Photoshop of 2004 contest. The Gigli one is pretty funny too.)
Posted at 09:23 PM | Comments (0)
"Ethics judge steals to fund brothel romp"
A top French judge is to be suspended after he allegedly stole a German colleague's credit card to pay for a prostitute, having earlier delivered an hour-long speech on ethics, reported The Times...
...The first time he had paid for the alleged sexual service with his own money, according to the report. The second time, he had allegedly paid with a credit card that he had nicked from a German prosecutor at the conference...
...Mr Hontang's alleged shenanigans came to light after he had complained to the owner of the brothel's service. The boss had noticed that he had not paid with his own credit card and alerted German police officers, who got on the case...
Those wacky cheese-eating surrender monkeys!
Posted at 01:01 AM | Comments (0)
Partayin' down with the Norwegian women's handball team
"'Handball girls' party all night":
Norway's national handball team, and thousands of their fans, were ecstatic after beating Denmark to win the European championship on Sunday. Their victory followed Saturday's decisive 44-29 win over the Hungarian national team, which was on home turf at the championships in Budapest.
The champagne flowed along with tears of joy when the winning female athletes, known collectively simply as the "handball girls" (hndballjentene), gathered for their victory party at a hotel in Budapest.
..."We're good in handball but quite good at partying also," said team captain Gro Hammerseng, as she helped teammates tackle a double-magnum bottle of bubbly...
Posted at 11:20 AM | Comments (0)
Top candidates to head DHS
In reverse order:
#5: Asa Hutchinson
#4: Gil Cedillo
#3: The editorial board of the Wall Street Journal
#2: The U.S. Chamber of Open Borders and Cheap Labor, LLC (A Bermuda Corporation)
#1: Golan Cipel
Now, here's the big question: will the actual choice be any less funny?
Posted at 09:32 PM | Comments (0)
World's largest lawyer captured off Canada
This Mako [a specialized type of PI attorney -- LW] was hooked in the mouth, only fought slightly for 15 minutes, came up along side of the boat to have a look, long enough for one of the crew to put a rope around its tail !!!
[... The lawyer] took off towing the 42 foot fishing boat backwards through the water at about 7 Knots. Just like in JAWS. The boat was taking on water, [the advocate] would jump completely out of the water at times.
This went on for an hour before [the barrister] actually drowned.
He weighed in at 1035 LBS
Posted at 09:09 PM | Comments (1)
Today in Trini news
"Rent-a-gun racket in police service?":
Concerned policemen are calling on Commissioner Trevor Paul to investigate what they describe as a lucrative practice at a particular police station where guns are rented to hunters for more sinister motives from a station plumb in the East-West Corridor.
Sources say the guns that traded through a third party and that now the renters are mostly hunters who want to take advantage of the hunting season. Hunters dont have to pay cash to rent a gun but rather pay with wild meat, the source said.
A senior officers instructions, through his liaison, are that the pot is on fire, the garlic is peeled, the bundle of chadon beni is on hand and the only payment necessary is to bring back wild meat for the officers to enjoy, the source said.
Boy, you should see the unlucky hunters who take advantage of the offer but havent caught any wild game.
They have to continue hunting into the broad daylight to ensure that they have something to put in the officers pot because the word has gone out that one gun-renter who didnt bring back wild meat was put in jail for 24 hours, said the source...
Another restaurant proprietor patently applied modern thinking to this problem. "Ministry: Dog carcasses used to make sausages":
The dog carcasses found deep in the Valencia forest by Ministry of Public Utilities and the Environment workers last month are remains of animals slaughtered so their flesh could be processed as sausage.
This is the shocking trail Ministry of Public Utilities investigators are uncovering as they continue to probe the mysterious carcasses that prompted an initial suspicion that restaurants in Sangre Grande were offering cooked dog meat on their menu.
A Public Utilities Ministry spokesman told the Sunday Guardian that investigations are not yet completed but the information so far points to the canine remains being the bones of animals which have been killed to provide meat for processing into sausage.
When our foresters stumbled upon the bones it seems people were seen skinning animals and they scampered.
Our investigations have led us to a particular company, a source from the Ministry of Public Utilities said...
In other news, Candace Guppy feels like she's in the Matrix. Peter Quentrall-Thomas responds to a reader's complaint about his remarks about Liat. Judy Raymond discusses aroused passions. And, last but by no means least, Anand Ramlogan continues his discussions of integrity. Go read the whole thing!
Posted at 12:33 PM | Comments (0)
Presentation is important
Posted at 01:27 PM | Comments (0)
The tyranny of mankind is nearing its end
I know there's a couple cheap jokes out there, but I just can't pin them down. Yeah, well, you aren't too funny either.
Joke #1: Ted Bell on Bernie Kerik's nanny situation. (Ted Bell, of course, is the owner of the world-famous steakhouse Ted's of Beverly Hills. In the past, he's advocated special laws that would allow rich people such as himself to import illegal aliens to serve as domestic help.)
#2: Something about monkeys taking over the earth. See "Tool use confirmed in monkeys".
Posted at 01:11 PM | Comments (0)
I wear short pants and I operate my laptop on a table
Drudge is linking to "Careful, lads, that laptop might burn your genes":
...To keep the testicles at an ideal temperature and for greater comfort men naturally sit with their legs further apart than women. When working on a laptop, however, they will adopt a less natural position in order to balance it on their laps, which results in a significant rise in body heat between their thighs...
...Using 29 volunteers aged 21 to 35, the researchers, led by Yefim Sheynkin, found that sitting with the thighs together to balance a laptop caused scrotal temperatures to rise by 2.1C. But when the laptop was in use, average temperatures rose by 2.6C on the left of the scrotum and 2.8C on the right...
Posted at 08:09 PM | Comments (1)
These Wacky Times
Posted at 08:03 PM | Comments (0)
Mr. Badger or Mr. Rat?
I always thought badgers had fairly short and at least furry tails. I just saw an animal crawling along the top of a fence that certainly looked like it was a badger, yet it had a long, thin tail like a rat. So, it was either a very large, furry rat with badger features, or my knowledge of badgers is slipping, or it was something else entirely.
Trying to get a picture of badger tails, I fired up images.google.com, but I couldn't find any pics of badger tails.
I did, however, find this nice mug shot. And, I found a site specifically about badgers; the tail pictured here is what I thought all badgers had. That site, however, doesn't say whether the American badger has a furry or a rat-like tail.
I also found this collection of drawings. Some of those may not be work-safe; this one is not anywhere-on-this-earth-or-elsewhere-safe. I also found this site, which is also definitely not anywhere-on-this-earth-or-elsewhere-safe.
Posted at 12:17 AM | Comments (1)
Beavers? Casino cash? What???
That's right Bob. Remember that bag of cash that was stolen from the video poker casino? It got into a river, and beavers tore open the bag and incorporated it into their dam.
Hot damn!
Funny, Bob. How about, "Beaver dam includes stolen casino cash".
No, too wordy.
OK, "Stolen casino cash made into dam by beavers"
That's even worse. Here, try this: "Beavers Weave Stolen Cash Into Dam".
Yeah, that's pretty good. Think Drudge will link to it?
Yes. In fact, he already has.
Posted at 05:42 PM | Comments (0)
My grief counselor is standing by
Phwoar! I'd like to help her deal with the Kerry loss.
Posted at 01:42 PM | Comments (0)
Vsya vlast' espressohutam!
Pochemu yest statuar Lenina v Seattle? Ne znayu. A, zdec on.
Posted at 12:46 AM | Comments (0)
Weather Balloons
Holy warm front! Check out KCAL-TV's new weathercaster Jackie Johnson:
Johnson previously was a weathercaster and reporter for WSVN-TV in Miami since September 2001. Prior to that, she worked as a reporter and weekend weather anchor for WCTV-TV in Tallahassee, Florida. A native of Plymouth, Michigan, Johnson attended the University of Southern Alabama, concentrating on meteorology, and then went on to Middle Tennessee State University to get her degree in broadcast journalism.
For her more obvious qualifications, check out the videos at the link.
UPDATE: There are more pictures of weather forecaster and weathergal Jackie Johnson in this post.
Posted at 08:34 PM | Comments (1)
"Quite a window display at boot shop"
If there was ever a story that required fisking, it's this one:
It was an awkward way for a cop to meet two burglary suspects.
Phwoar!
The naked man and woman were having sex in the front display window of Hacienda Western Wear on Chester Avenue.
Phwoar!
The police officer was outside, tapping on the locked glass door.
Yes, it was awkward. But there was no reason to be rude. The man covered himself with one hand.
With the other, he waved hello...
Etc. etc. Registration-free story here.
Posted at 12:51 AM | Comments (0)
Bill's Big Falafel Balls
From the O'Reilly complaint:
You would basically be in the shower and then I would come in and I'd join you and you would have your back to me and I would take that little loofa thing and kinda' soap up your back... rub it all over you, get you to relax, hot water... and um... you know, you'd feel the tension drain out of you and uh you still would be with your back to me then I would kinda' put my arm - it's one of those mitts, those loofa mitts you know, so I got my hands in it... [etc. etc.]...
...So anyway I'd be rubbing your big boobs and getting your nipples really hard, kinda' kissing your neck from behind... and then I would take the other hand with the falafel (sic) thing and I'd, put it on your [...oops! this is where it gets really naughty...]
UPDATE: Mmmmm... falafel. I'm going to try these lines on the gals at Zankou.
Posted at 08:08 PM | Comments (0)
I found this on my server
Natalie Merchant.
I heard a rumor that after the photo was taken she had the photographer fired for being a meat-eating, smoking, conservative chauvinistic pig. Nevertheless, quite a loverly photo.
Posted at 09:46 PM | Comments (0)
Jimmy McNulty, is that you?
On this old post about Starved Rock State Park in Illinois, someone left the following comment:
piss off ya fuggin wanka, yeh got tu go off the trails lassie are are you afraid of gettin yer pretty little dress all dirty "perhaps an arboretum would be a better term" you fuckin faggot!
Did I receive a visit from cyberspace personality Jimmy McNulty?
Posted at 07:50 PM | Comments (0)
'I can't ... I'm Mormon' T-shirts too hot
BYU newspaper yanks ad as some perceive desire to sin
T-shirts proclaiming the message "I cant ... I'm Mormon" are apparently too hot for Brigham Young University, as the college newspaper has yanked all advertisements.
According to the Deseret Morning News, the paper halted the ad campaign after complaints from students, professors and administrators who felt the slogan implied a desire to engage in "objectionable" behavior...
Posted at 01:31 PM | Comments (0)
Bbbbut, I'm for schools and education!
From WND:
A school district that participated in a terrorist-attack response drill apologized for using a scenario in which children were threated by a fictitious radical group that believes everyone should be homeschooled.
The made-up group, called Wackos Against Schools and Education, was invented by the local government emergency services director.
Ha ha, very funny.
See also Michelle Malkin's "Anti-homeschooling bigots strike again".
Posted at 09:44 PM | Comments (1)
Ja, aber wo sind die Foto?
...Foto: Was fr ein Empfang: Bei Innova am Alexanderplatz begrten gestern halb nackte Aushilfen die Kunden...
Pfhwoar! Aber, gibt's nicht das Foto! Gebe mich das Foto, du schweinhund!
There aren't any photos in "Blase Berliners shrug off store's topless sales staff" either. There's a photo in "Berliners are so blas they shrug at stores topless staff" but it's of two Bavarian gents. Ich mich fuehle let down by the world media.
Posted at 11:48 AM | Comments (0)
A Nigerian scam from the frozen north
Received via spam:
We are a web designers/programmers team. We locate at Moscow, Russian Federation. Currently, our team works for several US companies and we feel difficulties in getting our wages. They're to pay us but they don't send money directly to Russia, because companies we work for pays us by direct deposits available in USA and Canada only. Reasonable question: why don't they pay you by checks? Yes, they could, but here in Moscow is really hard to collect on the American checks (enormous commission fees and it takes 2-3 months). We realize that you can't provide your current bank account. So, if you are ready to help, would you be so kind to open a new zero-balanced checking account where they could send our wages.
So, when our employers are getting the account information they will initiate the transfer. When the bank transfers are completed your assistance is needed once again to transfer the money via Western Union or Money Gram (it is not the best (profitable) way but it's the fastest one).
Finally, we have to solve the problem regarding your interest in this deal We suppose you should get an interest in this business and we can offer you a good compensation for your help. If you are ready to help, please, send your reply at the following email address [deleted].
The sum is variable but usually no less than 800-2,500 a week (approx.). Any suggestions?
Sure. But, it involves the word "khui."
UPDATE: I found a few references to this from the end of last year, so this isn't a new version. But, I'm trying to figure out where the "take" is. Are they trying to get your account information to write bad checks? Are they going to ask for your additional identifying info to facilitate that? Could this not be a scam so much as an attempt at money-laundering? Are they going to put money into the account and make this look legitimate until you trust them, then they're going to ask you to put your own money in there and take it? Are they going to ask you to put up money upfront in order to start the riches flowing?
Posted at 01:27 PM | Comments (0)
Guess the substance!
...Dyna-Tek Industries, a company bought by Kevin Dyches and his wife Sandra, five years ago, has developed synthetic [*****]... for the research industry. One of their first customers is the Centres for Disease Control and Prevention, which has hinted it could be a major future buyer...What is the mystery substance, denoted above by "*****"? Answer in the extended entry.
Researchers, drug-testing labs and other institutions buy thousands of gallons of the real stuff, but [*****] decays rapidly if not kept refrigerated.
Ireland OnLine titles their report about the mystery substance "Wee success story". The Corvallis Gazette Times weighs in with "Synthetic urine getting a warm response." The AP takes all the fun out of things by naming their report "Company makes profits from fake urine."
Posted at 09:20 PM | Comments (0)
Our only coverage of Rathergate
Source: this.
Posted at 01:19 PM | Comments (0)
Snopes confirms existence of giant burgers
Earlier I blogged about a giant burger being offered by a Pennsylvania eatery.
Snopes has not only determined that the report was accurate, they have more pictures and details.
Posted at 11:39 AM | Comments (0)
"Coroner discussing gun safety shoots self"
BLOOMINGTON, Ind. -- Monroe County Coroner David Toumey was hospitalized with a leg wound after accidentally shooting himself while trying to demonstrate gun safety.
Toumey told The Herald-Times for a story published Saturday that he was demonstrating gun safety to some people at a Lake Monroe boat ramp about 11 p.m. Wednesday when he accidentally shot himself...
Posted at 12:12 AM | Comments (0)
Bootius to the Maximus!
Irony? Trying to pull the readers? #4, you're the dickens!
There are Serena Williams galleries here and here. Here's a picture with her legs slightly spread. Wider! And, who can forget this classic booty shot?
Posted at 06:13 PM | Comments (0)
Well... alright!
We're happy you won too!
USA's Kerri Walsh, bottom, and teammate Misty May celebrate after beating Brazil in the gold medal beach volleyball finals during the 2004 Summer Olympic Games...
Other celebratory pictures here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here.
Previous Olympics volleyball coverage starts here.
Posted at 10:27 PM | Comments (0)
At The Lonewacko Blog, we keep you coming back
Brazil's Ana Paula Connelly (R) and team mate Sandra Pires hug after losing their match to team Brazil Adriana Behar and shelda Bede after the women's quarter-final beach volleyball event at the Athens 2004 Olympic Games
Previous coverage here and here.
(Via this)
Posted at 09:42 PM | Comments (0)
Lucilla e la Gatta!
Italy's Lucilla Perrotta (R) and team mate Daniela Gattelli hug each other after winning a point in a women's preliminary beach volleyball match at the Athens 2004 Olympic Games
Che bella!
Piu foto qui, qui, e, in particolare, qui.
In piu:
"Dancers from the Spanish Canary Islands practice at the beach volleyball venue in Athens, August 12, 2004"
Posted at 07:40 PM | Comments (0)
Why is Olympic mascot "Athina" walking with a limp or something?
Answer below:
The beach volleybal dancers are joined by the Olympic mascot Athina as they entertain the crowd during the 2004 Olympic Games (news - web sites) at the Olympic Beach Volleyball Centre in Athens, Greece on Wednesday, Aug. 18, 2004. (AP Photo/Dave Martin)
Posted at 07:17 PM | Comments (0)
Investigating wacky practical jokes...
How's this for a practical joke: put a partially-full 2 liter of soda in the freezer for a few minutes until it's partially frozen. The tricky part is it can't be frozen all the way through, but it needs to be frozen enough so there's a plug of ice in the neck of the bottle. And, that ice plug has to be frozen enough so no liquid can get through.
Your thirsty victim will try to suck out some soda without luck. So, he'll try shaking the bottle a little bit, or maybe warming the neck of the bottle. None of that will work.
Then, the fun will start! While the victim continues trying to drink some soda, the ice plug will suddenly fly out of the bottle. Soda will go everywhere: over the refrigerator, on the counter top, all over the floor, even covering the walls several feet away. The stunned victim will momentarily wonder what happened before setting to work cleaning up the mess.
What fun!
Posted at 07:00 PM | Comments (0)
"Guess the mark"
What's that mark?
If you give up, click here.
I realize this is in the WackyHumor category, despite this story (or related stories) having some tragic elements. And, I don't want to minimize the lady's current condition. Nevertheless, I believe the lady in question will not only have an interesting conversation starter, she'll also be several thousands of dollars richer in the near future.
Posted at 03:15 PM | Comments (0)
Olympic officials: tourism to "Brasil" expected to increase
More Olympics coverage here, here (Virna Dias, also below), and here (Leila Barros, also here).
UPDATE: Yes, "Tourism to Brasil expected to spike" would have been a better title. Or, for something short and punchy, "Boom Boom!"
Also, I shouldn't need to remind you that I'm not the one out there taking these pictures, I just provide a powerful filtering service.
Continuing:
Rumania's Catalina Ponor has a pretty face and her form is quite impressive as well. Plus, she's 5'1" and 101 pounds, making her quite portable.
What about Argentinian field hockey, you say? This picture gets points for invoking images of Ivy League girls playing lacrosse, plus points for being Argentinian, and minus points for thighs being slightly too large. This picture offers an interesting view of two other players.
Wang Fei or Tian Jia, Tian Jia, and Wang Fei show their form, and Lu Wang shows her winning strategy and an even more impressive action shot.
Italy's Manuela Leggeri tenses every muscle in her body. I'll take the short one.
Virna Dias shows how she'd ride, er, a balance bar.
Greece's Effrosyni Sfyri has a bit of the Monica Seles to her.
In group action, stroke! and, while not from the Olympics itself, I don't really care.
ANOTHER UPDATE: I know I'd like to "sync" up with these lovely ladies from the Land of the Rising Sun.
FINAL UPDATE: Phwoar!
A COUPLE MORE NOTES: My math was off. It's not 5 days, it's 370 days.
Blondes are available here and here.
ANOTHER FINAL UPDATE: More photos here.
Posted at 02:18 PM | Comments (2)
"Wreckage of alien device reportedly discovered at Tunguska Meteor site"
Experts of the Tunguska Space Phenomenon public state fund in Siberia announced that they have discovered wreckage of an alien technical device in the place where the Tunguska meteor fell almost 100 years ago...
Researchers argue that they have discovered parts of an alien device which they believe crashed on June 30, 1908. They also found a rock weighing about 50 kilograms and sent it to Krasnoyarsk for analysis...
Holy moley. They found a 110 pound rock?
An expedition to Tunguska is described here, and there are several pictures here. And, here's an overview of the X-Files.
UPDATE: Surprisingly, Drudge picked up on this story. That has, naturally, lead to the MIBs and their lizardian helpers working overtime:
The latest claim was written up by news wires and was making the Internet rounds Thursday morning. [Dear reader: check the post time -- LW]
..."I'm afraid this is a rather stupid hoax," said Benny Peiser, a researcher at Liverpool John Moores University in the UK. "The Russian team stupidly stated long before they went to Siberia that the main intention of their expedition was to find the remnants of an 'alien spaceship!' And bingo! A week later, that's what they claim to have found."
Yeah, that's what all the lizards say.
Posted at 09:00 PM | Comments (1)
Gas prices...
Have you noticed that gas prices have been coming down a bit lately? What do my regular commentators think about this? Could it be part of Bush's reelection plans? If I were skeptical, I'd think that Bush's oil company buddies had raked in enough money and now, in a desperate attempt to get him elected, are lowering the prices.
Fellow blogger "Lonewacko" informs me that on his 'Blogging Across America' tour, he was almost ecstatic to pay $1.50 a gallon in Elkton, MD about 10 months back. But, then he got to western Virginia and he paid the lowest price he paid during the whole trip: $1.36 per gallon. Imagine that!
Lonewacko also informs me that the Arco station at Fletcher and Riverside - right off the 5 - is at $2.01*, and there are reportedly other L.A. area gas stations even a little lower. After paying almost $2.50, breaking the $2 mark is going to seem like a miracle.
Why, it's almost as if Bush planned it this way... What do you guys think?
P.S. I'll have a special, 194 page report on President Bush's ANG records tomorrow, and it'll be required reading!
*It comes at a price however. They used to have a soft serve ice cream machine and - whatever you want to call me that I am - I moved the tray that was under the nozzle and designed to catch dripping ice cream... Anyway, so there was this metal tray there and I slid it out so I could keep filling up the ice cream cone as high as it would go. They told me if I did that again they'd have to charge me extra. That caused a bit of bad blood.
Posted at 10:53 PM | Comments (2)
Let's play guess the state!
In the following news excerpt, you need to guess the mystery state:
[____]'s agriculture commissioner was arrested Thursday on charges of taking payoffs to protect a cockfighting ring...
Cockfighting is illegal in [____]...
Wayne Pacelle, president of the Humane Society of the United States, called cockfighting barbaric and called for [the commissioner's] resignation.
"In exchange for thousands of dollars, he has allegedly used his connections and his stature not only to enrich himself, but also to provide protection for an organized criminal network of cockfighters," Pacelle said...
Your answer is here.
Posted at 11:30 AM | Comments (2)
Sell Your Body to Science
Received via spam:
Easiest $20k You'll Ever Make.
Donate your body to science and profit while you are still alive. It's incredibly easy and perfectly legal.
Get your money immediately and enjoy life!
That's right. You can make $20,000 per year by donating your body to science while you are still alive. You make the money now and help advance science. It is good for mankind and great for your wallet.
Harvard educated instructor [name deleted --LW] ED.M shows you how. Tips and tricks and places to avoid, it is all included.
Be one of the first to capitalize on these secrets. It will never be this easy again after everybody knows how to do it.
If you don't agree this is the easiest money you have ever made, we will give you your money back.
Ha ha, that's funny. Let's see if their hosting company, webcrossing.com gets the joke too.
I did a search on this guy's name, and he has been mentioned in a few legit newspapers. But, not here.
IMPORTANT UPDATE, PLEASE READ: I will not email anyone any information on this program. If you're interested, please continue your google search, I'm sure you can find his site.
Posted at 11:40 AM | Comments (147)
Our artist made a mistake! Can you spot the error?
Help! We told our artist to draw an artist's conception of a car that can show feelings. But, our offshore artist made a mistake. Can you spot it?
In other Drudge-related news, Kevin Drum is trying to downplay Teresa's latest outburst (the "Shove it" remark).
Posted at 10:48 PM | Comments (4)
I'm one of the good humans
I would like to make it perfectly clear that I have supported Primate Rights for decades now. I have marched; I have written protest letters; I not only fully support the Monkey, Macaque, and Gorilla Agenda, I also support the Orangutan Movement in all its forms. I support your attempts to reconquer Africa, Asia, and parts of Europe. However, I believe it should be pointed out that the weather in Southern California is rather hot and dry. It is quite unlike the tropics or the jungle. You are, of course, welcome to come here. However, I don't think the weather would suit you very much.
Posted at 10:41 PM | Comments (3)
Officials concerned about dangers of "bathtub cheese"
From the San Diego Union-Tribune:
Health officials warned residents Thursday not to buy cheese and raw milk products sold on the streets and neighborhoods of San Diego County because they could contain harmful bacteria.
The illegal products, sometimes called "bathtub cheese," pose a health threat to consumers because unlicensed manufacturers use raw, unpasteurized milk that can promote bacteria growth, county health officials said.
"We have found these illegal cheeses being sold from the back of cars or trucks, at swap meets and from door-to-door salespeople," said Gary Erbeck, director of the County Environmental Health Department...
This is not a joke.
This is not the first time cheese inspectors have hit the streets. See July 5, 2002's "State cracks down on illegal cheese".
And, it gets even weirder. Public relations agency Fleishman Hillard produced a campaign for the California Milk Advisory Board entitled "The Cheese Is Good When The Cheese is Safe". Fleishman Hillard is involved in some local billing scandal or other. And, their campaign featured Edward James Olmos, who hugged me once (in a macho, manly way).
And, as can be expected, the libertarian loonies downplay the dangers of bathtub cheese.
Posted at 10:41 PM | Comments (3)
New acronyms from The Lonewacko Blog
The Lonewacko Blog is trying to make the following acronyms part of the national discourse. Please do your part:
M.A.L.T.
"M0thers Against L0tsa Things"
- A swipe at MADD.
B.0.M.B. "Big-0n-Midget B0ndage"
- A subgenre of the gonzo porn genre
M.0.B.B. "Midget-0n-Big B0ndage"
- A similar subgenre, only even more disturbing
(Zeroes instead of Ohs used to avoid these coming up in searches and thus revealing these as plants)
Previous Bridget the Midget coverage starts here.
Posted at 08:37 AM | Comments (0)
I'm completely dry
I've stared and stared at this picture, and I just can't come up with one of my usual extremely funny captions. I mean, it is a funny picture, but I just can't come up with anything.
Something about teenagers? "Liberals?" Earth-firsters? A Kerry "family SUV" thing? I'm sorry, I'm just out of material.
Posted at 09:25 AM | Comments (1)
Ex-wives, sons of Mobuto Sese-Seko detained
News from Africa: several ex-wives and sons of Mobuto Sese-Seko have been detained. Others detained include former high-ranking oil ministry officials, U.N. officials, and former clerks, executives, and board members of African banks. Former top officials of the Federal Government Contract Review Panel have also been detained, as well as several non-Africans who were employed by various banks around the world.
African officials will charge the suspects as soon as they have obtained the 5% document transfer fees.
Posted at 10:24 PM | Comments (2)
No "Chuck E. Charges" were filed
"Angry Mom Flings Pizza At Chuck E. Cheese Character":
A teenager dressed as Chuck E. Cheese was pelted with pizza and threatened with a beating Sunday by an angry parent who said the restaurant mascot wasn't paying enough attention to her child.
Macon police reported that a 17-year-old girl was in costume as the pizzeria chain character -- a gray cartoonlike rodent with large front teeth. That's when the 31-year-old Macon woman threw a piece of pizza at her...
Posted at 01:42 PM | Comments (0)
"To catch a Michael Moore, you have to bait the trap."
Posted at 01:29 PM | Comments (0)
I too am looking for the "World's Highest Arches"
This request for models has nothing to do with this KOTH episode.
Posted at 11:53 AM | Comments (0)
"Escape from National Service. become a foreigner."
Via spam:
Subject: Escape from National Service. become a foreigner.
Do you need a new identity, a new citizenship or a new country to call home.
You are pre-qualified. 50 Countries Available.
That's OK, but I can suggest several prospective customers.
Posted at 01:48 PM | Comments (0)
They're here
Posted at 07:23 PM | Comments (0)
Japanese man invents special 'bukkake cloak'
That's what the headline to this article says. Here's Ananova's translated version.
And, here's the homepage of the scientist himself, and here's a page about his invention.
Posted at 01:04 PM | Comments (0)
Geneva man invents yellow cauliflower
It took him 30 years of hard work, but Geneva resident Michael Dickson's dream has finally paid off: his yellow cauliflower will be hitting store shelves later this year.
"It's another variant farmers can grow and at this point it will probably sell a little better because it's new and looks attractive," he said. "The color stays well after cooking too. I think it will be quite popular. We did test marketing several years ago and it was quite well received," Dickson told the Associated Press.
"We had hybrid cabbage, but cauliflower is a different kettle of fish," Dickson told the AP, who retired in 1995. "If you don't have the right parents, you don't necessarily get a nice color, you get a pale, pukey color."
After all that hard work, expect the yellow cauliflowers to be available at Food Barn and Joe's Ranch Market on Broadway later this year.
Posted at 12:36 PM | Comments (1)
Now that's disturbing!
I consider myself a grizzled web veteran. I've been around, seen a lot of sites. I've also posted hundreds of messages to Usenet, and read thousands of them.
But, some things are just beyond the pale. Some things are just too disturbing.
I've put this link in the 'MORE' section, so you still have a chance to just move on to the next entry.
IF YOU ARE A MINOR OR YOU HAVE A WEAK CONSTITUTION, MOVE ON. CLICK HERE INSTEAD.
IF YOU DARE, CLICK 'MORE' DIRECTLY BELOW.
I WARNED YOU. DO NOT READ FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO BE SHOCKED.
LAST WARNING!
OK, YOU ASKED FOR IT.
(Via the invitation-only Reynolds-l)
UPDATE: There is no such thing as the "invitation-only Reynolds-l." I just made that up.
Posted at 01:23 PM | Comments (0)
Sinkhole, mole people, space aliens, or?
Someone or some group - perhaps including the mole people or space aliens or - even - both groups working in concert - is draining the man-made lakes of the MidWest.
The latest lake to fall victim is Lake Chesterfield outside St. Louis:
"It's real creepy," said Donna Ripp, who lives near what had been Lake Chesterfield. "That lake was 23 acres -- no small lake. And to wake up one morning, drive by and it's gone?"
As can be expected, mainstream scientists associated with the Illuminati offer their explanation, but readers of the Lonewacko Blog know better. Stay tuned.
Posted at 01:07 PM | Comments (0)
Tonight on Barry Melrose, Hockey Professional
ABC: 8pm (7pm Central) - On tour in Rapid City, Barry helps a Zamboni operator with a "thorny" problem. Special guest: former U.S. Surgeon General Jocelyn Elders. (Repeat; Some Canadian Content)
Posted at 07:12 PM | Comments (0)
Before Drudge does it
Posted at 12:03 PM | Comments (0)
Did I mention that I know Ward Connerly?
Pluses: Cute in her own way. Slim, upper arms not big. But, has a tuchis. Looks a little outdoorsy, even though that's not a "real" daypack/backpack like the ones Lonewacko has. Has a 1.5L water bottle like Lonewacko uses.
Minuses: The Young Revolutionary sunglasses. A bit too "in your face." Might be a bit too broad-shouldered.
Possible things we could do: Endless discussion of how the White Devil Oppressor patriarchy is oppressing People of Color and institutionalized hatecrimes are anti-human and how evil AmeriKKKa is bad to oppress Berkeleyites and how coffee cups should not be styrofoam and how great Noam Chomsky is and why he's only appeared on the NewsHour one time and how Joe Lieberman is a traitor to the righteous cause. And, did I mention that I know Ward Connerly?
Posted at 10:52 PM | Comments (0)
And now, a message from our Spiritual Advisor
Via our giant antenna, we have received the following transmission from The Lonewacko Blog's Spiritual Advisor:
Perhaps al-Ani [see the previous post --LW] was paid by the Coalition to discredit those coming forward with horror stories. Just think about it. Hmmmm....
Posted at 10:34 PM | Comments (0)
A tribute to the women of Iran
Yeah, baby, raise those fists. Yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah baby, jam that crack.
Posted at 12:54 PM | Comments (0)
And now, a message to our Farsi-speaking readers
Isfalahan marit reishon, UFO-an jam i jam! Goreli, fristina jam, noo rooz revorba prelish. Dozher ghelen Art Bell!
Posted at 08:09 PM | Comments (0)
Vindication for Norm MacDonald
On some TV talk show a while back, TV funnyman Norm MacDonald was discussing how the Heaven's Gate cult members had been neutered: "I'd like to fly in a spaceship too, but..."
Now, NASA is considering making that real.
On a lighter note, the story does have encouraging news of what top scientists are now terming a possible "space DP:"
there were allegations that Russia claimed a space first in 1982 when Svetlana Savitskaya shared the Salyut 7 space station with two Russian male colleagues
Phwoar.
Posted at 06:06 PM | Comments (0)
Wacky comments! Wacky spam!
First, here's a letter from Liz Taylor:
IN A BRIEF INTRODUCTION,I AM MISS LIZ TAYLOR,SISTER OF THE FORMER PRESIDENT CHARLES TAYLOR OF LIBERIA,PRESENTLY SEEKING REFUGE IN NIGERIA., I WAS THE FORMER DIRECTOR OF MILITARY LOGISTICS,PLANNING/SUPPLY,TO THE GOVERNMENT OF PRESIDENT,CHARLES TAYLOR. BEFORE THIS INTENSIVE HIT FROM PRESIDENT BUSH,TO OUSTED US FROM OFFICE AND EVEN WITHIN LIBERIA,I AND A COLONEL,SERVING UNDER MINE JURIDICTION,SMUGGLED THIS SUM... CONSIDER TO RELEASE 30%OF THIS TOTAL SUM TO YOU,FOR ANYKIND OF ASSISTANCE YOU MAY BE TO US [etc. etc.]
Next up, let's look at recent comments. There are now two women who think I have Kiefer Sutherland's email address. Look, I just biked past a '24' shoot, I didn't "hang" with "Kief." The latest one even has an email of rosysutherland [AT] hotmail.com.
Last and not by any means least, Ms. Shavonde Johnson just left a 60k comment here. It includes her resume and a long screed about reparations. I'd say it was composed at a public library or homeless shelter in Oakland.
Posted at 11:36 PM | Comments (0)
Lonewacko "dream girl" announced
According to the "physical attration" test at match.com, this is my dream girl:
Just kidding!
Here's the real dream girl:
These were the runners-up:
I want to do them all!
(Via Right-Thinking)
Posted at 08:37 PM | Comments (0)
Missed show? See clip now
Missed show? See clip now. Nice clip. You like. You have lizard brain. We talk directly to it. Your lizard brain happy happy.
Posted at 10:52 AM | Comments (0)
"Take Your Guns to Work Day"
Remember, tomorrow April 22 is Take Your Guns to Work Day. Bring your collection to your cubicle and show them off to your friends and co-workers.
Posted at 08:45 PM | Comments (0)
All MulchGate, all the time
'Senator's Wife Charged With Assault'
Sources: Dispute Started With Garden Mulch
Full story here.
Even less serious coverage - with pictures - starts here.
Thanks to Brother Drudge for the link.
Posted at 07:17 PM | Comments (0)
'Smurf House' greenlighted
Now, over to our Little Persons reporter, Bridget the Midget:
When a local dry-cleaner and his wife finally move into their new four-story home, they'll have a convenient downtown location, a drop-dead view, and plenty of room to breathe � as long as they don't puff out their cheeks too much.Their entire spread will be built on a lot of 20 feet by 20 feet � an area about the size of a deluxe room at the Four Seasons Biltmore just down the highway.
Last week, the Santa Barbara City Council unanimously approved plans for the whimsical, Spanish-style tower. Neil Ablitt, owner of the pint-sized parcel, was jubilant about the council's action...
"It's an incredibly beautiful structure," Ablitt said. "It's a house of whimsy."
Meanwhile, a million more worthy stories happened while the L.A. Times was trying to compete with Reuter's Oddly Enough category.
Other coverage of this momentous event here.
If, like me, you'd rather think about Bridget the Midget, go here, here, here, or here.
Posted at 01:00 PM | Comments (0)
What the heck is eDoDo?
I have no idea. However, they do have a work-safe biography of porn [deleted]-gobbler Gina Ryder. Apparently it's a cartoon strip or something and she did a voice-over for an episode or something. I don't believe there was any [deleted] or [deleted] in the cartoon strip.
Her bio doesn't discuss how she likes to [deleted] [deleted] or how she enjoys [deleted], but it does contain information on her educational background:
I guess we will start with high school. As a freshman I was accepted to be part of the first classes at Business Careers High School. This was a big deal for me because this meant that getting good grades and being in advanced classes was finally going to pay off. I was chosen out of hundreds of applicants from throughout the city to be one of the select few to be given the opportunity.
While attending Business Careers I was part of the pep squad team. My junior year of high school I returned to my home school where I attended 4 classes my junior year and 3 classes my senior year. I did this because I was tired of school and I wanted to work. My only motivation at this point was that I was in DECA (An Association of Marketing Students). I served as the Vice-president for one year and President of my chapter for another year. Being part of this organization gave me many valuable working and leadership skills, along with the opportunity to meet a lot of interesting people while traveling to New Orleans, Houston, St. Louis, Corpus Christi, Detroit, and Canada.
I graduated from high school in 1995. I took almost a year off from school before I enrolled at UTSA for the spring semester of 1996. My courses included Macro-Economics, Political Science, and Algebra with Calculus for Business, I got a promotion into a salary position half way through the semester and I stopped attending my classes at UTSA. For some reason I felt that working and making money were more important than obtaining an education. As I mature I am coming to the conclusion that school is important and that I hope to gain the discipline to continue my education someday.
Plus, she can [deleted] a mean [deleted]. And I mean that with the utmost respect.
Posted at 10:34 PM | Comments (0)
I guess this means six more weeks of Winter
Posted at 02:24 PM | Comments (0)
Autoeroticism, Michael Jackson style
"Hello, is this movie director Kevin Smith?"
"Yes"
"Please hold, I have a call from Michael Jackson"
"What? The King of Pop?"
"Yes, the King of Pop himself has a movie idea for you. Please hold..."
"Hello, this is Michael Jackson, and I have a movie I'd like you to direct."
"Well, OK. What's it about."
"It's a fantasy about me and a special friend of mine. I had a dream about this, and I want to make it into a movie. In the movie, I change into a car, and I get driven around by my little friend."
"That sounds, well, creepy and Freudian."
"Is that a movie director?"
"Er, yes."
Posted at 02:21 PM | Comments (1)
Man tries to board plane with seal's head
From this:
The head was apparently checked in by a Colorado man in his 40s, officials said. His identity was not released.
The man, who bound for Denver [sic, I no write like that], told investigators that he is a biology professor and that he had found a dead seal on Revere Beach, officials said. He checked in the head because they didn't think it was appropriate as carrion...
Phwoar!
Posted at 09:32 PM | Comments (0)
re: derbyshire
You know how spammers use junk subject lines? Well, I gotta say that "re: derbyshire" is one of the strangest I've yet seen.
Posted at 12:30 AM | Comments (0)
ANIMAULED! Kangaroo pummels woman in kick frenzy
A kangaroo yesterday.
"He had so much hate in his eyes."
FLAYED
That's what 48-year-old Sylvia Aldren said after being pummeled and flayed by a kangaroo in the Australian state of Queensland.
BEADY EYES
"I can still see his big, beady eyes, like you see in a Martian video," she told the Brisbane Courier-Mail...
CULLING
"I always thought they were cute animals, [but] now I want them culled," Aldren said, according to the report.
PI ATTORNEYS
Ironically, she works for attorneys who specialize in personal-injury cases.
NEEDS AMERICAN LAWYER
"But what am I going to do?" Aldren asks. "Sue a kangaroo?"
Posted at 10:21 PM | Comments (0)
PETA member prepares for her swirly
Lisa Franzetta, clad in a fur coat, drinks from a toilet in New York's Times Square during a People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) protest, March 12, 2004. PETA has made a series of TV ads that show people in fur coats engaging in behaviors that animals may naturally do and the protest was a reenactment of the ads.
(Via PoliBlog)
UPDATE: I like this picture too:
Lisa Franzetta, campaign coordinator for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), wears the Tiger Lady costume to protest the wearing of furs.
(Via this)
Posted at 08:20 PM | Comments (0)
Synchronising newsreading and taking off all your clothes said to be "not easy"
It looks like those wacky Hong Kongers are going to get all the "nudes" it's fit to print:
HONG KONG - Hong Kong viewers will get the naked truth on a new TV news show presented by nude newsreaders.
The Fire/Ice News bulletins will be broadcast on Saturday and Sunday nights on one of the many new digital TV channels springing up in the territory, local media reported.
The first show, to be aired this weekend, features newsreader Chan Long, a willowy 18-year-old who strips through the five- minute bulletin until she is completely naked.
'It's not easy, synchronising newsreading and taking off all your clothes,' Miss Chan, a model who has just graduated from secondary school, told the South China Morning Post.
Show producer Jesse Au admitted that the station borrowed the idea from nude broadcasting pioneers in Russia and Canada...
Posted at 08:04 PM | Comments (0)
Incrsease your earoning poswer and gaerner profwessional resspect.
Get the Un1iversity Dewgree you have already earned. Baqchelors, Masfters, MBsA, or Docdtorate (Ph3D) offered. aNo reqsuired teqsts,cladsses or bosoks. Asll the bensefits of being a Univfersity Grafduate are within your reach. Degdree verificsation and official tracnscripts provided when requested by emplsoyers and otshers authsorized by the grdaduate.
Unfortunately, the term 'spamglish' appears to have already been coined. In any case, this is one of the better examples I've seen. If you aren't a fairly fluent English reader, I'd imagine this is a bit difficult to read. One needs to convert 'bosoks' into 'books' using both the context and the fact that a) there's no common English word spelled or sounding like 'bosok' and b) removing the 's' from 'bosoks' makes a common English word. Some might think it was meant to be BoSox, or some might spend time looking in the dictionary for possible words, or thinking it's slang.
I'd also venture that there's a good chance the perpetrator is right-handed. Assuming they used a mouse to click the insertion points of each word, they appear to have used their right hand to hold the mouse and their left hand to type in each inserted letter. The inserted letters are mostly from the left side of the keyboard, and most lefties hold the mouse in their left hand (I believe).
Posted at 11:23 PM | Comments (0)
New transmittal from Dean Headquarters!
Received via DeanFAX:
Keep the spirit alive, people! Let's convert those meetups into support groups! If you need someone to talk to, we have grief, depression and suicide counselors standing by at 1-800-555-DEAN.
DO NOT PURSUE THE END GAME!
I REPEAT, GOVERNOR DEAN PERSONALLY TELLS YOU NOT TO PURSUE THE END GAME!
This is not the end of the movement, and do not pursue the End Game! Call our counselors if you need to speak someone, or come out to one of our support groups to be announced on meetup.
Thank you for your support!
Posted at 10:28 AM | Comments (0)
AOL needs a proofreader
Posted at 04:57 PM | Comments (0)
"Entertainer looking for a job"
I received the following resume via email:
Sheila [rest of name deleted]AVAILABLE TO TRAVEL FROM: Brazil
POST APPLIED FOR: Entertainer
AGE: 23
NATIONALITY: Brazillian
RACE: Latin
GENDER: Feminine
HEIGHT: 1,68m
WEIGHT: 58kg
Posted at 10:26 PM | Comments (0)
Cops arrest sea lion in Fresno - for speeding!
Thankfully, they were able to subdue the beast using tasers and shotguns. Shortly before it expired, it was also charged with driving without a seatbelt, expired registration, and sudden lane changes.
It had apparently swum up the sewer mains which connect Fresno with the faraway sea.
Some of the meat will be donated to charity.
Posted at 11:13 AM | Comments (0)
New space-age toilet will help show our love
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Following up on comments made in his State of the Union address, President Bush has announced a new $12 billion plan to help prevent drug abuse by students. "This plan will help Ashley Pearson and millions of other youngsters throughout America. It will help stamp out abuse of marijuana, harder drugs, and even steroids," Bush stated.
The plan calls for space-age toilets to be installed in public and private schools nationwide. Each toilet will come equipped with facial scanning technology, so individual users can be identified. The toilets will automatically perform urinalysis on each user's effluent. Users who are found to have trace amounts of various drugs in their urine will be asked to submit to a more thorough test.
"Not only will this help prevent drug abuse in the schools, it will help us spot impending medical conditions." Bush continued. "It's technological advances likes this that make America great!"
New York city mayor Mike Bloomberg has been tabbed to lead the DHS committee who will do a study of the new toilet.
Premise slightly stolen from Hit & Run.
Posted at 12:01 PM | Comments (0)
I need to dumb-down my satires
On an infrequent visit to pandagon.net, I noticed they were complaining about how the winning MoveOn ad is "a bit too subtle for the TV crowd."
In response, I posted the following:
Most of the sheeple just won't get it. They're so dumb you practically need to lead them around by their nose rings. What MoveOn needs is an ad that lays it out on the line, explains all the big words for the dummies, and then includes a nifty graphic at the end, like "THINK."
I really wish they'd selected "Imagine." It even had a cavorting Orca!
No one commented on my comment. Maybe I'm just being ignored, or maybe it was a bit too subtle for the pandagon crowd.
Posted at 04:44 PM | Comments (1)
Saluting Brasil
More: calpundit.com/archives/003036.html
Posted at 04:36 PM | Comments (0)
When they come for the cat people, let's not do anything
If you can spare a 400k download, check out this movie.
I suggest we start requiring cats to be licensed, so we can conduct a roundup of their "parents" at an opportune time.
The video is from the makers of the CatSeat:
Man's product seeks to potty train cats
OKLAHOMA CITY - An invention by a man seeks to eliminate litter box odor by toilet training household cats. As head of Evolve Products, manufacturer of The Feline Evolution CatSeat, Kevin Rymer accepted an award Monday from a national trade magazine...
Rymer says the CatSeat attempts to wean cats off litter. Shaped like a regular toilet seat, it is attached to a box with retractable shelves that are textured to replace the feel of litter.
Eventually, the device can be mounted to the toilet, where a push of the button allows it to be used by people.
The company quotes doctors and veterinarians as saying there are no health risks associated with cats and people sharing the same toilet.
Posted at 12:47 AM | Comments (0)
"From the Director of Mrs. Doubtfire!"
[This is a Lonewacko special movie review of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. I hate movies, and I hope it shows. I realize of course that I'm a bit behind the times with this, but I recently saw it on cable.]
Harry Potter is an English schoolboy who wears trademarked and copyrighted glasses. He goes to school in a school of magic. Which is quite a change from the usual English school boy drama (viz. David Copperfield). Unfortunately, Harry has enough gruel. However, conflicts come about because Harry and his pals are the good kind of Satan-worshippers, and they fight against the bad kind of Satan-worshippers. Anyway, Harry lives in this castle where he goes to school with a large group of English character actors. Some of them wear fake beards or wigs.
There is also a delightful, new character named Dobby. Unfortunately, I have been unable to yet find a Dobby doll or drinking cup; perhaps he didn't test as well as Jar Jar Binks. Dobby is a CGI character, as are many of the other fine characters in the film. I was vaguely worried that Harry would be killed (or at least given a nasty electrical shock) when being chased by various of the CGI characters.
So, after being chased by the bad guy's snake through some chamber or other, Harry survives and becomes a Big Time Magician.
Posted at 12:17 PM | Comments (0)
Smart computers for smart people
A shot taken at the Apple Store at the Cherry Creek Mall in Denver last night. I used their WiFi connection to upload the pics for the previous post. The posters shown rotate and depict voice chat conversations.
As this picture shows, if someone is wearing Smart Glasses, they are no doubt a Mac user.
Posted at 08:09 AM | Comments (0)
That's not the kind of party I had in mind, Nanci
Older and bolder elder-cutie Nanci Pelosi wants to party on down with the Lonewacko. Maybe your daughter can come too, baby.
Yeah.
So, anyway, back to the real world. I was in the line at the drugstore just a bit ago. A late 30s Chinese lady was right behind me, real close like. She wasn't scowling, smiling, or showing much emotion beyond, let's say, quiet patience. I glanced her way, no reaction.
The line was moving slow, and I noticed that she was looking at a tabloid on a rack, featuring Laura Flynn Boyle in a bathing suit. The caption was something like "LFB is Wasting Away!" I glanced at it and said to the Chinese lady something like, "she's not so thin." Then, I picked up a copy of the tabloid, and said, "actually, she is thin." The Chinese lady just kept looking into space with the same patient expression, not acknoweldging me in the least. Then I said, "some creative Photoshopping there I guess" or similar. Same blank expression without acknowledging the presence of #1 Alpha Male Lonewacko.
Was she completely stoopid? Didn't speak a word of English? Shy? Scared of my Albert Goresque Alpha Maleness? Deaf? I mean, at the very least I would have expected a look of revulsion or something, right?
Posted at 04:12 PM | Comments (1)
Ted Bundy, still sizzling after all these years
Wouldn't it be instructive if someone put the above picture of mass murderer Ted Bundy on, say, pickthehottie.com? (Current score: 1 win, 0 losses.)
Wouldn't it also be instructive if someone had also put that same picture on hotornot.com a couple years back?
Quoting from this (pre-blog) USENET post:
After 303 votes, he got a 6.1 rating. It probably could have been higher because I changed to a better photo midway, but a) they kept the first photo's dimensions so it's scaled and b) they make the voting inactive after a certain number of votes.
Despite being shown handcuffed and in a prison jumpsuit, he got almost 50 votes of 7 or higher:
1: 55
2: 57
3: 60
4: 26
5: 37
6: 23
7: 22
8: 12
9: 9
10: 2
Like I said, ol' Ted is still sizzling away.
Posted at 11:28 PM | Comments (10)
I'm the one standing
In response to the event "Bare Witness" which took place in Great Britain this past June 29th where 30 demonstrators gathered fully naked to form the words: "No GM", more than 300 naked Raelians had gathered to form the words "I love GM" during their Annual Sensual Meditation Seminars. This demonstration took place on Monday July 14th at 2PM at UFOland - 1382 Rg 7 - VALCOURT.
Posted at 11:35 AM | Comments (0)
Mmmmmm.... Gina Ryder
Sorry, all we've got to offer here at The Lonewacko Blog is stick-figure porn.
Posted at 09:14 PM | Comments (1)
Try Canada!
O Canada! A land of constant free-flowing beer, sunshine 350 days a year, and fine liberal policies that will make many U.S. citizens want to - well - just move there!
For all they share economically and culturally, Canada and the United States are increasingly at odds on basic social policies to the point that at least a few discontented Americans are planning to move north and try their neighbors' way of life.
A husband and wife in Minnesota, a college student in Georgia, a young executive in New York. Though each has distinct motives for packing up, they agree the United States is growing too conservative and believe Canada offers a more inclusive, less selfish society...
Eh.
I took this idea from someone else, as I did the flag and the bottle. I drew the sun figure all by myself, and I put the picture together.
Posted at 02:17 PM | Comments (2)
"Lightning Strikes Preacher Who Asked For Sign"
From this:
FOREST, Ohio -- Damage to a church in Forest, Ohio, is estimated at $20,000 after a preacher asked God for a sign.
A member of the First Baptist Church said a guest evangelist was preaching repentance and seeking a sign from God when lightning struck the steeple...
Cheney said the lightning traveled through the microphone, blew out the sound system and enveloped the preacher, who wasn't hurt.
(Since no one was hurt, I'm not making this today's "Are you a sick, horrible person?" entry.)
Posted at 02:08 PM | Comments (0)
Holy fucking shit
This picture courtesy of John C. Dvorak. Yeah, the guy who goes to the conventions about those computer things.
It gets even worse. See Bob's pic here. In addition to partially and fully hydrogenated fats, I'm laying off all forms of soy and "canola."
Posted at 11:34 PM | Comments (2)
Marisleysis' older, down-and-out sister
What is it about me that attracts blonde, crazy, down-and-out-and-almost-street-people Latina-Americans? Why do they pick up on me? Is it a signal I send out? Some pheromine or something?
I will note that Val Zavala is neither crazy nor out of work.
Posted at 08:39 PM | Comments (0)
Wow, this frozen Coke is great!
Have you tried Frozen Coke yet? It's a great new drink, and I think I'm going to be drinking lots more of it in the future. I hear you can get it at BurgerKing:
The Frozen Coke promotion was conducted at Burger King outlets in Richmond, Va., in March 2000. An internal company document filed as part of the lawsuit said the tactic was to hire an outside consultant to spend up to $10,000 to buy value meals at Burger Kings in Richmond, boosting demand for Frozen Coke and other frozen drinks.
The suit says the Richmond promotion resulted in a $65 million Frozen Coke investment by Miami-based Burger King.
Posted at 05:22 PM | Comments (3)
Howard Dean can win!
Via this post comes this post which says:
After I attended the Howard Dean meetup this week... at The Metro, a gay bar in the Castro. I... signed up to volunteer... to do "outreach" activites, including, apparently, going to gay bars and talking to people about Dean. Well... a genuine excuse to [go] up to strange guys without having to worry about an opening line.
Good luck, but I don't think it's going to work unless someone is either crazy, drugged, or otherwise already fairly pro-Dean.
However, as my own form of outreach, I herewith present something that just might work:
"Hello, I'm Stacy, and welcome to Fry's!""Hi Stacy... say, can you tell me where the CDRs are?"
"They're on aisle 6A."
"Thanks. [Looks at Stacy's tan, chuckles.] Do they sell tanning beds here too?"
"No, that's a beach tan!"
"Really. What's your favorite beach, Stacy?"
"Oh, I like Trancas."
"Really. I bet you sometimes find yourself daydreaming about being at Trancas while you're working here at Fry's, don't you?"
"Well, yeah, sometimes."
"What would it be like if you were at the beach right now? Can you imagine walking along the shoreline, putting down your towel, and feeling the cool sand under you? You kick back and relax. Can you hear the waves gently crashing on the shore, Stacy?
There's a wave... there's another wave crashing...
You lie back, and completely relax. Feel a warm breeze gently waft over your body, Stacy... all your cares drift away on the breeze... feel your cares drift away... hear my voice blending with the rhythm of the waves... you relax more and more... you have no cares... you are completely and totally relaxed... clear your mind completely... the choice is clear... you are completely relaxed... vote for Dean... relax... no cares... vote for Dean..."
Since I don't go to the beach, I don't know where Trancas is, somewhere in Malibu or something.
Posted at 02:55 PM | Comments (0)
A personal message to Luna Nina
In this post, I linked to Luna Nina's site underneath the words "crappy daily journal blogs." In response, you sent me an email, and posted this entry which refers to me (at the end of the post):
Im not gonna link to the site cuz I dont wanna. But part of me is really entertained by the fact that someone who claims to ignore crappy daily blogs found enough time to link to me AND to leave me a bogus sappy comment...
First of all, I want to make it clear that it was just meant as a light-hearted joke, it's unfortunate that it was taken the wrong way. If I said your blog was great, the few people who visit this site, knowing me, would think I was being sarcastic. So, if I say your site is bad, they think it's good. I was, however, a bit upset that you don't have a picture of yourself at your site. If there is one, please let me know. As for the original comment, I'm sorry you found that "sappy." It wasn't meant that way...
It's just that, well, it's a bit difficult for me to express, but did you ever instantly know you were going to like and trust someone for a long, long time?
Maybe you only read their blog for a short while but it seemed that you had known them your whole life, as if there were a timeless connection between you.
As you read these words and remember those amazing feelings, it's good to know that sometimes life has a way of making us remember those things, right prior to discovering that we can experience those feelings again...
With me... in my experience, it's the kind of thing that can't be forced and no essay or words can create it. Words and appearances are only expressions, the vehicles that contain the essence that moves us. It can only happen naturally as the expression of an energy between two people, but when it does...it's just like that feeling of incredible bonding, when all the barriers melt and drop way, and two people come together, fused into one spiritual essence, the mingling of energies feeding one to the other, building and increasing and intensifying, mingling into an expression of aliveness that words can initiate but never capture fully.
It has instead to be indulged inside your own imagination...dwelled on, contemplated, experienced, deep, deep inside you. I do not know if you are the kind of person that can imagine enjoying that that kind connection, with someone wonderful who deeply moves you.
But if you could envision the possibility and feel it opening now before you, drawing you irresistibly forward, how powerfully could you feel that urge to learn more?
Posted at 04:02 PM | Comments (1)
"How do I swear in foreign languages?"
In compiling the links for the previous entry, I came across this site. Of course, it changes from an insult into a Monty Python routine if you don't even have the accent (as in emphasis, not to mention the other accent) right. Their Russian page doesn't indicate which syllable receives the emphasis, but, just FYI, "govno" is pronounced "gahv NOH" and, unlike in English, the "oh" sound isn't finished with a "w" sound. (I.e., if you can morph "blow" into "blowah," remember to just pronounce the "blo" and not the "wah".) However, they don't list "nekulturniy"/"nyekulturniy" which is a pretty effective insult, and more insulting than calling someone "uncultured" in English. "knee cool TOUR knee"
Posted at 02:40 PM | Comments (2)
I wish I could write like this
I entered this blog into the box at pornolize.com and then forgot about it. When I flipped back to the window it opened, boy was I shocked! I thought I had been hacked, or had Posted When Drunk (lord knows I've never done that). When I finally figured out what had happened, boy was I relieved!
Posted at 01:48 PM | Comments (0)
FReeping Neal Pollack
Neal gets a shellacing from my fellow FReepers here. It concerns this "satire" (and I use that word quite loosely) about Bob Hope.
Posted at 01:48 PM | Comments (0)
Is your "date" really a transsexual?
If you want to find out whether that "lady" you just picked up has a "secret," take this quiz.
Posted at 06:35 PM | Comments (0)
"Which This Old House character are you?"
I just created my first online quiz, and I'd like you to take it!
It's called "Which This Old House character are you?"
Here are the bios for the This Old House characters.
As for the quiz itself, I don't get enough hits to make suing me worthwhile.
Posted at 04:08 PM | Comments (0)
McDonald's new "Please don't sue us" menu
I recently tried one of McDonald's new McVeggie burgers. It wasn't so bad. It's loaded with non-hot spices, which are almost as addictive as their fries. Nutritionally, it seems OK as well, except for a large amount of sodium. It certainly has a fair amount of protein, about 21g if memory serves.
I was going to post about how this new menu and the accompaning display were designed to give their patrons a "choice." As in:
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, our restaurants clearly gave Joe Schlub a choice between our healthy menu and our ticking-time-bomb menu. He made his choice, and I'd suggest you keep that in mind when determining whether to award him the $23 billion he's asking for.
Unfortunately, the DailyTrojan beat me to this observation. Beaten out by a snot-nosed Spoiled Child.
Posted at 12:55 PM | Comments (0)
"Factions of American-Indian tribe fight for gaming rights in Los Angeles"
The DailyTrojan has details on the fight betweens bands of the Gabrieleno Indians.
However, that article fails to mention the Angelino Indians' plan to build a casino in the Silver Lake area of Los Angeles.
Posted at 12:49 PM | Comments (0)
No wonder he writes 5000-word posts
Somehow, I got to this photography site, which contains a link to his patent. His patent in turn links to the patent of the blogosphere's own Steven Den Beste. Small world, innit?
Posted at 11:27 PM | Comments (0)
Now that's a spinner
My Benazir Bhutto obsession has now been replaced with a Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo obsession. Don't get the operation, I like you just the way you are.
As linked to by Drudge, the shot is from a Formal State Dinner. While the regal pomp makes me a bit sick, Bush has only held three such dinners so far, a much smaller number than his predecessors. That's a good thing, even if it might be just a cheap ploy. And, it's probably a lot better than the state dinners under Bubba, what with the silverware-stealing and all.
Posted at 10:01 PM | Comments (1)
"How to Argue Like A Lefty in a Weblog Comments Board"
Posted at 02:35 PM | Comments (0)
A scam torn from today's headlines
Received via email:
Dear Sir,I have made this contact to you with the hope that you can help me out in this my dilemma / problem. I was the personal aide to the Iraqi minister of education and research. Dr Abd Al khaliq Gafar. That died in the war. Before the war, we had traveled to France to negotiate a contract payment deal on behalf of the Iraqi government on procurement and payment of educational materials and components for the ministry, which entailed him to pay off our customers by cash for onward delivery of the goods via Turkey...
Now that he is Dead and I was able to escape to Egypt for safety on political asylum... [I need you help to get the 28.5 MILLION AMERICAN DOLLARS that he purloined...]
...
I await you immediate response.
Remain Blessed.
Regards
El - Mustapha .
Posted at 10:35 PM | Comments (0)
Now you know how this blog got its name
This online personality test of your "Empathy Quotient" says that those with Asperger's syndrome score around 20; on average, men score 42 and women 47. I scored 14.
On the "Systemizing Quotient," on average women score 24 and men 30. I scored 59, also putting me in the Asperger's range.
Link via Moira Breen, whose scores are similar to mine. Got a pic, baby?
Posted at 12:11 PM | Comments (1)
More wacky signs
Here are three more entries for the wacky sign meme:
Posted at 11:24 AM | Comments (0)
Wacky signs
Here are my entries for the wacky sign meme:
(Buster Gonad is a character from Viz Comic. He has unfeasibly large testicles. Here's his real-life counterpart. [That last link is NOT work-safe and it might harm those with weak constitutions.])
Posted at 05:44 PM | Comments (0)
"The Colossal Colon is coming to Los Angeles, Calif.!"
The Colossal Colon Tour is free to the public!When
Wednesday, June 18, 2003 10:00 a.m. to 7:00 p.m.
Thursday, June 19, 2003 9:00 a.m. to 7:00 p.m.
Friday, June 20, 2003 9:00 a.m. to 7:00 p.m.
Saturday, June 21, 2003 9:00 a.m. to 7:00 p.m.Where
Kenneth Hahn BuildingVolunteer
Interested in volunteering for the Tour in Los Angeles individually or as an organization? Many volunteers are needed to make the Tour a success in Los Angeles and help is needed to spread the word that the Tour is on its way! Click here for more information.
(I guess they mean the "Kenneth Hahn Hall of Administration" at 500 W. Temple in downtown L.A. Link via this, which compares it to the Tunnels of Oppression touring college campuses.)
Posted at 02:02 PM | Comments (0)
The Seventh Level of Hell? There must be some mistake.
Is this the best I can do?
Posted at 10:26 PM | Comments (0)
Even I wouldn't try something like this
Through an exciting new project called America 24/7 - an all-digital event that will capture extraordinary pictures of an ordinary American week.Produced by Rick Smolan and David Elliot Cohen, creators of the most popular photography projects ever - including the New York Times #1 bestseller, A Day in the Life of America...
Until now, only top pros could participate in Smolan/Cohen projects - and 1,000 of the best will shoot for America 24/7. But America 24/7 also offers amateurs and pros across America the opportunity to take digital photos and easily submit them via this website.
Wow! But, wait:
Compensation?If America 24/7's editors select one or more of your images, you will receive prominent credit and the knowledge that your photos are good enough to be published alongside pictures by America's top pros. (Your chance to be discovered!) You will also receive more tangible compensation including Adobe Photoshop Elements, Photoshop Album software and a copy of the book where your photo appears- a $180 value. If your photo is selected as the front cover of one of our 53 books, you also get an Olympus Stylus 300 camera, a Lexar 512 Mb digital memory card and an Epson Stylus Photo printer- an additional $850 value.
Anytime someone uses the word "value," I get a quizzical look on my visage and remember the difference between "value," "price," "cost," and "worth."
While knowledge is good, I'd really like a little bit of cash, considering, after all, that we're dealing with the "creators of the most popular photography projects ever."
Even if you get on the cover, all you'll get is a cheapo Olympus camera (most of the people who fall for this will be shooting with a better camera anyway). I don't know how much the printer costs, but I can get the camera for $311 at pricegrabber.com, and the memory card is $130 or so.
Plus, they probably got these parting gifts for free in exchange for blurbs in the book, the website, the movie, the plastic drinking cups...
Not only that, but even if they publish 1000 of your photos, you only get one (1) compensation package. Wait, there's more. "You will participate in debriefings, and phone interviews during the course of the project." And, you aren't reimbursed for cab fare and the like getting to your "assignment."
I'll sign up as a student in a day or two; the theme of my first assignment will be to try to find someone who submitted photos for the last edition of America 24/7 and who is now trying to sell his single copy of the book he received in front of a Kragen Autoparts store in order to get food money.
Posted at 11:53 PM | Comments (0)
"What Is the Theater of the Oppressed?"
Find out here, you bourgois capitalist toady lackey oppressor.
Posted at 08:27 PM | Comments (0)
Beer is no protection against SARS
Damn! (link en francais) "while alcohol does kill the virus, drinking it doesn't..."
Posted at 09:59 PM | Comments (0)
I (heart) Rummy
As much as I don't like "peace" protesters (links to my coverage here), I feel uncomfortable with people who hold up "I (heart) Rummy" signs, as shown in this picture from a Berkeley protest organized by the California College Republicans. Let's not go overboard, OK?
I don't know what it says on the sign on the right, (something about Tom Ridge being bad?), but the holder is not only cute, she also appears to be a Republican of Color, thereby validating this protest and giving it street cred. Or, maybe she's just a sell-out. There are also at least two Protesters of Color in this picture. (Yes, I'm being sarcastic about everything in this paragraph, except for the cute part. I'm just trying to predict the race- and class-based response this protest will receive from the "liberals.")
The left-foreground sign holder here is also cute in her own two special ways. As Mayor Quimby would say...
Posted at 02:01 PM | Comments (0)
Was the "Moran" guy a prank?
Via a prank-related mailing list (from a liberal I know in meatspace):
Got this by e-mail... no source, can't find it on google. Don't know if it's been posted here before, but I remember the many DU threads on the "Morans" rally in Milwaukee. But the piece is quite convincing. Apparently this pro-war rally was a fake!
Mock Pro-War Rally in Milwaukee, Wisconsin
With the anti-war movement in Milwaukee lacking a significant and consistent showing, when the Milwaukee police department tickets motorists who drive by anti-war rally's and honk in support of the protesters, in a time when the war is televised like a sporting event, a small group of Milwaukee artists, musicians, and outcasts decided to stage a mock pro-war rally to subvert the right!
The street theater action was committed on April 4th in near blizzard
conditions when 20 "fanatical pro-war" supporters occupied the opposite side of the downtown street to rally in support of the war and oppose of the peace activists who gather every Friday for the weekly peace vigils.
The 20 "pro-war" supporters dressed in suits, waved American Flags, chanted slogans in fierce support of war, death, and killing. Rush hour traffic drove by and honked in approval to the flags and signs that read: "Freedom Is The Enemy", "Get A Brain Morans", "Iraq Out Of Iraq", "Draft My Child", "Send Our Infants", "Soccer Moms For Blood", "War Is Peace", "I'm Pro Life And Pro Death", "Stop Reporting The Facts", "Peace Is For Pussies", "Bush Is The Savior", "This Is No Time For Thinking", "Pro Bush Lesbian", and "Ask Me About My Baby Killing Honor Student" among other slogans.
Before the event the local media were called and told about the "Clear Channel" sponsored pro-war rally. The reporters failed to get an interview from the pro-war fanatics because every time they approached the demonstrators they chanted "Boycott The Liberal Media!". The riot cops were very confused by the heartfelt chants of "We Love The Police State!". And the anti-war protesters were perplexed by the "All We Are Saying Is Give Death A Chance" chorus.
A few on-lookers with their jaws dropped may indeed never visit Milwaukee
again, but all told the "Pro-War" reaction was a smashing success that demonstrates the kind of gung-ho patriotism that would make George W. proud.
UPDATE: As indicated in the first comment, this picture wasn't taken in a blizzard, even if his sign matches one of the ones described above. I also can't find mention of an April 4 peace protest here. The dates are also wrong; the Moran picture is from sometime before March 26. Of the two Moran signs, we know that one was fake, and I'd bet that the other one is as well. If it helps any, I think the "We support our troops when they shoot their officers" sign might have been a fake as well.
UPDATE 2: A reliable source informs me that a) there was no blizzard anywhere near April 4th, and b) that if something like this fake protest had happened, he would have known about it.
Posted at 08:02 PM | Comments (8)
Heywood Jablome. Again!
As previously reported here, a Charleston, SC newspaper printed the name of one of the anti-Burke Masters protesters: Heywood Jablome.
The perpetrator has been found. Those wacky morning shock zoo jocks!
UPDATE: The Charleston Post & Courier have updated their report and removed the name "Heywood Jablome," replacing it with "one man," and a link to this story from the reporter who fell for the gag:
Unfortunately, I never actually heard the protester's name pronounced, just caught him spelling it out for others and jotted it down in my notepad.
I wrote the story for Sunday's paper, tucked the quote down near the bottom, filed it to my editors in Charleston and blithely went about my life, unaware that this one name was about to make my own name known around the country...
However, I presciently took a screenshot of their page.
Posted at 11:11 PM | Comments (0)
The peace posters that could have won
I didn't enter the recent peace poster contest with a prank poster because I can't draw. But, I've included to the right four entries that I might have entered if I could draw a straight line.
See this, this, this, and this for links to the other prank posters which were entered.
From top to bottom:
1. A bombed out cityscape; caption would be "You call this an improvement?"
2. The triangle is an oil derrick/windmill, with a giant swastika as the sail. The round figures beneath ground are dead Iraqis. The red splotch is a drop of blood. Caption: "No more bodies for oil." (Extra credit: the hand of Uncle Sam or GWB holding out a cup to catch the drop of blood.)
3. The big thing in the center is a bomb which would have "USA" written on it. Below that is a daisy to the right and two bunny rabbits to the left of the daisy. Caption: "Collateral Damage."
4. The two boxes at the bottom of the picture are ballot boxes. The two irregularly shaped objects at the top of the picture are hands, and the hands are dropping ballots into the ballot boxes. The left ballot will say "Saddam" on it, and the right will say "Bush" on it. The left ballot box (with the Saddam ballot) will have "100%" written on it, and the right will have "45%" written on it. (Extra credit: the right hand will be white, and the left will be a Hand of Color.)
Not shown: A large picture of a dog with big eyes. Above him, a bomb is about to hit him. Caption: "Why?"
Posted at 12:58 PM | Comments (0)
"How to become an obnoxious internet cam whore in five easy steps."
Posted at 09:08 PM | Comments (1)
Heywood Jablome Howell Raines
This screenshot of a Charleston Post & Courier report on the Masters protest is real. Perhaps he pronounced it "yablohm," and spelled it to the reporter. I guess if you said it "yablohm" enough times, it might stick in the reporter's mind and they wouldn't bother trying to sound it out. Or, maybe the reporter or editor was having a bit of fun. (Yes, I got this from the Jimmy Kimmel Show.)
Posted at 11:29 PM | Comments (0)
"German Professors Declare War on English Terms"
From this:
A group of German university professors, angered by the U.S.-British war against Iraq, have launched a campaign to replace many popular English-language words used in Germany with French terms... the four professors declared war on borrowed English terms in German such as "okay," "T-shirt" and "party."
From their list, they seem to be replacing words of Germanic origin with words of French/Latin origin. In only one case (mannequin) have they chosen the Germanic word over the Fr/L word:
Key:
E=English
ME=Middle English
G=German
Fr=French
L=Latin
Gr=Greek
Gmc=proto-Germanic
--------
Bassin for Pool
pool is E/Gmc
Billett for Ticket
ticket is Fr from Gmc
Bonvivant for Playboy
play and boy are both E/Gmc (boy might be Fr, or it might be Dutch)
Chanson for Song
cf. G singen
Chauffeur for Driver
drive is E/Gmc
Chef for Boss
boss is Dutch
Communiqu for Briefing
brief is ME from Fr + E -ing (cf G -ung)
Confrencier for Showmaster (Scheinanglizismus)
cf G shauen und meister
Formidable for cool
cf G kuehl
Hautevolee for High Society
cf G hoch
Klassement for Ranking
rank is ME from Fr from Gmc
Mannequin for Model
mannequin is from Dutch mannekijn
Equipe for Team
team is ME from Gmc
Fte for Party
both Fr/L
Sofa for Couch
sofa is Turkish, couch is ME from Fr.
Rendezvous for Date
date is L
Revue for Show
see showmaster above
Souterrain for Basement
base is ME from Fr from L from Gr
Tantieme for Royalty
royal is Fr
Tournee for Tour
tour is Fr
Trikot for T-Shirt
shirt is ME from Gmc
Tristesse for Sadness
sad is ME from Gmc
--------
Posted at 07:25 PM | Comments (1)
"I am a nurse"
"I am a male nurse, but, I am not gay. Look how bearded and burly I am. But, despite being a male nurse, I'm really not gay."
-- my television
A couple years back, I posted a troll (note the comp.lang.java.advocacy cross-post) to Usenet entitled 'Verizon: Canadians?' in which I wondered whether, based on the funky-but-clean nature of the Verizon commercials of that time, whether they were shot in Canada or something.
Now, I wonder whether Verizon is holding James Earl Jones against his will.
You've got the one slice-of-life commercial Stay where you wanna go blah sugar blah blah and the other screeching hyper melodramatic one. Then, a brief silent pause. Then, JEJ comes in with "Make progress every day." What the hell is that supposed to mean? Has Verizon been taken over by the Moonies? Have they forced JEJ to wear black Nikes?
Posted at 08:49 PM | Comments (0)
Picture of the Day
From Drudge's front page:
Posted at 10:27 AM | Comments (0)
The evils of outlander words
With this push to rid the English tongue of outlander words, I would like to say we should get rid of all Norsemen/Outlander (in other words, Norman) words and other things. 1441 my ass. I say No On 1066.
(All of the words in this and the foregoing are of good, Anglo-Saxon or Teutonic origin. Oops.)
Posted at 05:13 PM | Comments (2)
Linda Chavez: naked?
I wish. Sure, she's a little on the tough side, and she needs to ditch the perm, and she's a bit of a prude, but, what do we get instead? Robert Reich.
Posted at 12:52 PM | Comments (4)
Married by the Blogosphere
Propose possible wives for me in the comments section. In a later post, I will allow you to vote on my new spouse. No Mick chicks please.
UPDATE: Jill from Married by America looks OK, for a career-orientated TV sport bimbo (no doubt a FOX station) from Long Guyland whose mom looks and talks like an old TS. Billie Jean has tons and tons of class. Jennifer is not a drunken ball-busting bitch.
CORRECTION: Jill is not a TV sports bimbo, she's actually the NY Islanders Arena Hostess/Announcer. Does Rupert own the Islanders?
UPDATE 2: Why are the contestants from either NY or Atlanta? Is Fox trying to get more ratings in those two areas? Or, were they on a budget and those are the only two areas they could fly into?
UPDATE 3: Here's some near-naked pics of Jill. Here's a story about her (they confuse "isle" with "aisle." Jaybus.) Here's Jill's site.
Here's a quote from Jill: "I'm saddened that I have to give up the [Miss Long Island] title because I don't think there's anything wrong with posing in Playboy."
Me neither.
Posted at 03:35 PM | Comments (0)
Real Girls Gotta Eat!
According to this site, "Real" girls are on the go, keeping energized with smart snacking!.
So, what do real girls eat?
Nacho Beef Dip
Beef on Bamboo
Beef Taco and Cheese Pockets
Easy Beef Chili
Cheeseburger Mac
Meatball & Veggie Platter
Pizza Pie with Mashed Potatoes
R.B.V. Wrap
Yeah, it is like something those ever-creative Simpson writers would come up with. Of course, it wouldn't take Lisa too long to figure out the site is from the National Council to Promote the Consumption of Beef.
(I got this from some blog I forget)
Posted at 08:30 PM | Comments (0)
Liberal Jeopardy
"I'll take Republicans Want To Pave Alaska for $1000, Alex."
"Republicans want to pave this national wildlife reserve to feed their SUVs... Natasha?"
"What is ANWR, Alex?"
"... Judges? Sorry, Natasha, we cannot accept that answer... MacDiva?"
"Why can't the Republicans ride their bikes everywhere like I do and instead they need to gas up their gas guzzling SUVs and destroy ANWR?"
"Correct, MacDiva! Remember Natasha, you need to state the answer not just in the form of a question, but also in the form of a whine."
Posted at 02:50 PM | Comments (0)
"I may have more to say later."
A comment from this post is perhaps one of the funniest blog comments I've yet read:
Before I forget, let me ride to the defense of Atrios. (Not nude or on a white horse, though.) Contrary to Nathan Zuckerman's putrid post, Eschaton appears to have the most diverse participants of the blogs. It attracts more ethnic/racial minorities than any other none ethnic oriented web log I've seen, and I've examined the top 25 or so that deal with politics and current affairs. Furthermore, Atrios has not had to put up a sign reading 'Colored People Welcome.' We seem to gravitate to this site, probably because he does not have the blind spot in regard to the impact of race and class on issues in our society that so many people do. Eschaton is a place where intelligent people of any race, age, gender, religion (or lack thereof) and sexual persuasion feel free to participate.Does that mean we always agree with each other about everything? Of course not. However, if there is a more diverse web log anywhere, do point it out, Nate.
Now, back to reading the rest of Comments. I may have more to say later.
Posted at 10:45 PM | Comments (0)
Does the LA Examiner truly represent L.A.?
Recently, former L.A. mayor Richard Riordan announced his latest venture, the Los Angeles Examiner newspaper. While I appreciate the upcoming introduction of the new paper, I find several details of this venture disturbing.
For one, it appears to be oriented to the Westside, and appears to short-change the rest of L.A. As this article points out: "Its imagined readership seems much like the Los Angeles that twice elected Riordan mayor -- more affluent, better educated, more conservative and, most of all, much whiter than the city as a whole. In fact, Latinos, Asian and African Americans -- unless they play basketball or a musical instrument -- are conspicuously absent from this prototype."
Even more disturbing is the news that this paper will not accept so-called "sex ads."
In an attempt to get to the bottom of this disturbing news, I decided to contact several such "sex advertisers," and get their opinion of this policy.
Armed with a copy of the LA Express (L.A.'s leading "personal ads" newspaper), I began calling ads at random, asking for interviews. Now, as I've pointed out before, I'm not the most talented interviewer around. In fact, despite stressing that, while I wasn't a client I wasn't selling anything either, most of them hung up on me.
A few, however, granted me interviews. "Roxy" was graciously willing to be interviewed. Unfortunately, she's a newcomer to L.A., and she not only had never heard of Richard Riordan, she was undecided on the LA Examiner's policy.
Another respondent, despite being based in Long Beach, was vaguely familiar with Mayor Riordan. She stated "who gives a fuck [what the LA Examiner thinks]?" and "he's an asshole if he's going to do that," referring to the former mayor.
Strong, strong words.
This leads me to think that the LA Examiner will not fully and faithfully reflect L.A.'s rich human mosaic. How do they expect to have a fully functional newspaper when they ignore the voices of all residents?
One advertiser - her voice strained and husky no doubt from excessive cigarette smoking as well as from her demanding occupation - stated that she's "not like the other women who advertise in LA Express." She suggested that "the [LA Examiner] editors should consider each ad on a case-by-case basis."
According to this article: The aimed-for readership, says publisher Jane Kahn, a veteran of New Times, Cond Nast, and Hearst Magazines, is "sophisticated, smart, funny, intelligent, affluent, politically connected people who care about the community and the issues affecting it."
One sexy and dusky-voiced commentator, when asked if that described her customers, simply said "Yes." While I cheer the LA Examiner's decision to print on paper that won't let the ink rub off on your hands, what good will it do if her target audience can't find her?
Some Victorian moralists might even object to me calling these advertisers "women," prefering instead that I call them "strumpets" or some other such name. Personally, I find that disgusting. These advertisers provide a valuable service, and they have their own place in society. Why shouldn't a newspaper that purports to represent Los Angeles include them?
Many of these women previously pursued other careers and had other lives. They have since re-invented themselves, and, no doubt even a few of them have undergone plastic surgery in order to further their careers. What could be more quintessentially Los Angeles?
I, for one, call on the LA Examiner to revise its policy, and include all the voices of Los Angeles.
Posted at 06:18 PM | Comments (0)
Want to join my hiking club?
From this page, I found out about a group called the Aetherius Society, which is a (so-called) religious cult with an interest in mountains. One of their holy mountains is L.A.'s own Mt. Baldy. I've been there a few times, and I've never had much of a revelation.
Posted at 02:12 PM | Comments (1)
The PRC hates American children
According to this article, a talking baby toy (made in China and sold by Wal*Mart) utters the subliminal message "I hate you."
Are they mistaken? Is it a hoax? A prank? An urban legend? Or, is it the truth? You decide.
Posted at 01:13 PM | Comments (0)
Buy my Xmas gift early
Don't all of you get me the sweatshirt, be original!
Posted at 08:07 PM | Comments (1)
The Nigerians are branching out
I get a lot of those Nigerian scam emails: "I worked for the Nigerian Ministry of Mines, I embezzled $32 Million, I need you to help me retrieve it, etc. etc."
Yesterday, DailyPundit had one with a new twist. But, I think mine's even better. It starts off:
FROM THE DESK OF:MR. WOO CHONG
CHINATRUST COMMERCIAL BANK.
NAN KAN BRANCH, TAIWAN
REPUBLIC OF CHINAI am Mr. Woo Chong, Bank Manager of Chinatrust Commercial Bank, Nan Kan
branch, Taiwan, R.O.C. I have urgent and very confidential business
proposition for you.
So, is this from a Nigerian posing as a Taiwanese, or has the RAM and motherboard business gone to hell?
Posted at 02:54 PM | Comments (1)
Merry New Year
UPDATE: If, like me, you're a big fan of Dr. Laura, you can celebrate her magic with the new Dr. Laura Action Figure (pictured below, available at Amazon). Approved by Doctor Laura Schlessinger herself, this talking doll says 23 phrases including "Now, go and do the right thing."
Posted at 11:42 AM | Comments (0)
I scored a 3
I don't like things like this (Warning: Shockwave), but it was moderately funny. Link from Volokh.
Posted at 11:05 PM | Comments (0)
"Cannibal Devours Berliner."
The dead man apparently replied to an ad posted on the Internet, prosecutors said. One newspaper said it read: "Seeking young, well-built 18- to 30-year-old for slaughter."
More here.
In other news, Bowling for Columbine was named the Top Documentary of All Time.
Barbara Trent, and just about anyone else with critical facilities, were reported to be prematurely spinning.
Posted at 10:44 PM | Comments (0)
How to impress Burger King managerettes
If you ever decide to pick up on a Burger King managerette - even if she's 40, has 4 kids and a slightly wide ass - whatever you do don't do so after having gone there and mainly ordered the cheap stuff. This might cause said managerette to utter, when first asked if she would like to engage in fun coeducational activies, "are you working?"
Splurge. Go for the higher priced items. Your Whopper will thank you.
Posted at 09:18 PM | Comments (0)
What's Jesus Driving?
Posted at 06:56 PM | Comments (0)
Next time I get to be Caligula
 You worked as Tiberius' You were portrayed by Patrick Stewart. |