Olympics events (2008 Beijing)

Every two or four years, Americans cluster around their televisions and pretend to be interested in obscure sporting events like the pentathalon. Have you ever done a pentathalon? What exactly is it?

And, that time is again here as the 2008 Beijing Olympics kicked off over the weekend.

There are only two slightly interesting sports: archery and shooting. And, those are only interesting in the same way that their winter counterpart (the biathalon) and NASCAR are interesting: something might go wrong. With almost all the other "sports", it's hard to tell when something has gone right or wrong because only about 0.0001% of Americans have ever played them. They might as well add lacrosse for all the relevance most of the "sports" have to our daily lives.

By now you know the drill: after two weeks of soupy personal tales of the athletes' struggles, four or five stars will be selected to adorn our Cheerios boxes until such time as they've faded from public view and are forced to MC supermarket openings and such.

Here's a rundown of the events this year:

REAL TEAM SPORTS: These are Baseball, Basketball, and (perhaps) Soccer. None are, of course, Football. And, since no one knows anything about the non-U.S. teams, wagering is pointless.

FAKE TEAM SPORTS: Badminton? As for Beach Volleyball, there's only one reason for that. Ditto with its indoor cousin, albeit much less so. Field Hockey is included, and it's close enough to lacrosse to be completely irrelevant to most people. As for Softball, why?

CELEBRATIONS OF VIOLENCE: Boxing, Tae Kwon Do, and Judo. The last two are neither Greek nor American; why are they there?

ROADIE-CENTRICISM: Their idea of Cycling is roadies. While there will be some mountain biking and BMX, that won't be for another week and until that time we'll be forced to watch brightly spandex-clad roadies going around in circles.

MARK SPITZ: Diving and Swimming, who cares?

SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING: Enough said.

BARELY WATCHABLE: The problem with Gymnastics is that by the time they turn 18 they can barely walk.

WHY NOT SHUFFLEBOARD? Handball? The name alone should rule that out. Is Table Tennis even a real sport?

WHY NOT POLO? Seriously, unless you're a Harvard alum or you live in Alaska you've probably never been in either a Canoe or a Kayak. Equestrian? Raise your hand if you own a horse. Ditto with Sailing and Rowing. As for Fencing, why not just make it interesting and go for Dueling? While some from hoi polloi play Tennis, they're trying to keep them out.

TRACK MY BOREDOM: No one knows what the Modern Pentathalon or the Triathalon consist of, and no one cares. There's also a catchall "Track and Field" event for exciting things like watching people jump over hurdles, just like horses.

DO YOU LIKE GLADIATOR MOVIES TOO? I'll put Water Polo, Weight Lifting, and Wrestling in this category for no particular reason.

Comments

The government of Red China needs its good face on this Olympic, "BS", Just like Hitler needed has ideals in the 1936 olympics. The race hate people in the chinese government have said that "All Gold WILL GO TO CHINESE TEAM PLAYERS", Chinese people APPEAR TO HATE OUR SO CALLED NATION and the ideals of china are the same as Hitlers. so yes most things you see are Fake so whats new in a Nation that wants you dead?

Be careful what you say about the Chinese. I don't think that there has ever been a more nationalistic people in the history of the world. It's quite unique. They are racially homogenous and will stand together against any kind of criticism from the west. We should be so lucky in our hodge-podge multi-culti societies in Europe and North America. They have a unity we will never have again.