Oddly enough, my invite to the C-list-star-studded gala appears to have been lost in the mail. Thankfully, a cavalcade of press releases has alerted me to this impending event.

Those scheduled to appear include such minor, long-forgetten, laughable pseudo-stars as:

Pamela Anderson (co-host)
comedian Fred Willard (co-host)
Lady Heather Mills McCartney
Ravi Shankar
Alec Baldwin
Jamie Lee Curtis
Kelly and Sharon Osbourne
Alyssa Milano
Dennis Rodman

But, don't fear, as there will be palatable vegan food to keep the crowd happy. From this:

PETA scoured the country to assemble a world-class gourmet vegan catering team, and heading the list in the dessert category was San Francisco-based vegan ice cream maker extraordinaire MaggieMudd.

Oddly enough, this says:

PETA scoured the country to assemble a world-class gourmet vegan catering team, and heading the list in the dessert category was Ft. Lauderdale-based vegan dessert maker extraordinaire Sublime.

Wait, yet another press release says this:

PETA scoured the country to assemble a world-class gourmet vegan catering team, and heading the list was Glendale’s Devil Spice.

Even a whole slew of world-class restaurants are listed here, and cookies are offered here.

But, what of the awards, you say?

Runkle is undaunted by threats to his personal safety as he continues to conduct undercover investigations into cruel factory farms and abusive rodeos. He has organized countless vegetarian events and demonstrations, coordinated anti-circus and anti-fur campaigns all over Ohio, produced TV advertisements, and even raised the money to air them. Runkle is also the founder of the animal rights journal Outrage and publisher of his own vegetarian starter kit.

Now, I know it's unseemly for me to make fun of PETA press releases while chickens are having their beaks seared off and cows are forced to stand on their hind legs and beg for mercy. I'm willing to be converted, but only by Lisa Franzetta.